>For as long as I can remember I have been lonely. As a child I never fit in with my friends. Even now I am alone in a crowd. For the last ten years or more I was in a deep depression. Being unable to find satisfaction in being around the people I knew I became frustrated then angry.
I was stuck in a loop where I couldn’t meet anyone because I was afraid to be stuck with another friend who was useless to me. Stealing my time to fix their shit but having nothing I could use in return. I was angry at myself because I couldn’t figure out a way out of it. I was angry at others because they didn’t give me what I needed. I became angry at inanimate objects. A new traffic light appeared in an intersection on my way to work. I nearly blew a gasket. Gave myself a headache. I became so angry I could easily have killed myself or others. I didn’t even understand why I was so angry.
Last year after Googling words like anger, frustration and suicide I came across Buddhism. The basics of Buddhism say that anger is caused by frustration. Frustration is caused by inability to get what you desire. Suffering can be ended by controlling your desires. It finally made some sense to me. I desired friendship so much but was unable to attain it that it ate away at me until I nearly self destructed. My childhood friends were married and had no desire to be in touch with me. My school friends were far away and would not return my attempts to contact them. The people I work with have very little in common with me. The clubs I joined left me feeling lonely even as I was surrounded by people with similar interests.
Once I realized the cause of my frustration I learned to suppress my desires. I decided around September of last year that I would completely stop attempting and wishing for a friend until the end of the year just to see how it would work. For the first time ever I could feel that happiness was within my reach. My frustration and anger were at an all time low and life almost felt worth living. After the year ended I decided to make it permanent. I was able to find satisfaction through watching TV. The people on TV are like friends. I went back to working on projects and keeping to myself. It was working. I haven’t felt that good in so long. My desire for friendship and human interaction is pretty much gone now. It still comes back but I can fight it off. Humans are social beings so it is embedded deep in our minds that we must be around others. I can and must control it so that I don’t slip back.
Although I am no longer frustrated and angry, my new system has left me with a feeling of great emptiness. I look for projects and entertainment to keep my mind off of it. It’s not the best trade-off but it is all I have and it helps me stay alive. Fortunately I have not turned to alcohol or drugs. Even though I want to I am intelligent enough to know that they are not the answer and will cause more damage than good.
The extent of my interaction with old friends is through Facebook. I am considering dropping that because I am getting very little out of it. It just keeps reminding me of my problem. Overall I am doing relatively well now. As I refine my system I think things will only get better for me. I should probably see a psychologist but I’m afraid he will screw up what I have accomplished.