>An old friend

>This morning I had a dream about and old childhood friend I haven’t seen in around 30 years. In my dream I was working in a metal shop (Cool!) and he came up behind me and hugged me. I turned around and couldn’t believe it was him. He was 8 feet tall! He then proceeded to run around with a camera taking pictures of his 20 kids

I woke up and decided to call him. I have been meaning to call him for so many years but was always afraid to. I opened the phone book and found his name. I called and left a message. It turned out to be his father who had the same name. He called David and gave him my phone number. I was so freaked out when he called me back this evening. It was difficult for me to even talk.

Turns out he is living in Dallas, is married and has a few kids. One of the reasons I was afraid to contact him was because I always had a vision of him in my head being single and lonely like me. That one day we would be close friends again. Of course I knew this was crazy but it gave me a little bit of hope in a sea of hopelessness. After we spoke I felt really weird. I was slipping into a mini depression. While taking a shower and crying I realized that I should be happy. Happy that he is happy and living a good life. I shouldn’t be so self absorbed and let myself feel good for others rather than feel so insanely jealous. That’s just not my destiny and I shouldn’t grasp for it. It’s out of my reach.

Congratulations David! I am seriously happy for you!

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>Gas price conundrum

>Today I bought gas for $2.19 a gallon. It’s way down from close to $4.00 just a few months ago. My theory is that it is being held low artificially for the upcoming election and will skyrocket again afterward. But what if it doesn’t?

The driving side of me wants the price to stay around $2.00. That seems to be a fair price. The other side of me wants the price to go up to $8.00. That side of me wants to see the change that will be good for the environment and our independence both foreign and domestic oil. This side also wants to see others who haven’t prepared like I have suffer. I have a simple life. I live close to work. I have a scooter and can even bicycle to work. I want others who are living extravagant lives living outside the city in mansions on their acres of land to suffer. People driving constantly all day on stupid pointless tasks. It’s all such a waste and it has to stop. Even just for my entertainment. I want to see others who have friends and family suffer. If I can’t have them then no one should. How did I get here? This entry was supposed to be about gas.

>A trip to the past.

>I was watching “Life on Mars” last night. It’s a show about a cop who is hit by a car and wakes up back in 1972. In this particular episode he remembered that his father took him to a baseball game that year so he went to the stadium and saw himself as a little kid walking with his father. I got chills when I saw this scene. My father died in 1977 when I was nine. I would give anything to go back in time and see him and hear his voice. I asked my Mom if there were any recordings of him just so I could hear what he sounded like. Of course video cameras were not common in the 70s. I was hoping that maybe some relative might have had one. Alas. All I have are pictures and vague memories.

>There are white children?

>I was watching the national news today and they did a story about mutton busting. (Children riding sheep). The children were white and it was weird for me to see white children. Living in San Antonio means 90% mexican. Now I’m white and I shouldn’t have been shocked but when you see nothing but mexicans all the time your own race becomes strange and weird. I wish I had a sheep right now.

>Why I’m so fucked up.

>For as long as I can remember I have been lonely. As a child I never fit in with my friends. Even now I am alone in a crowd. For the last ten years or more I was in a deep depression. Being unable to find satisfaction in being around the people I knew I became frustrated then angry.
I was stuck in a loop where I couldn’t meet anyone because I was afraid to be stuck with another friend who was useless to me. Stealing my time to fix their shit but having nothing I could use in return. I was angry at myself because I couldn’t figure out a way out of it. I was angry at others because they didn’t give me what I needed. I became angry at inanimate objects. A new traffic light appeared in an intersection on my way to work. I nearly blew a gasket. Gave myself a headache. I became so angry I could easily have killed myself or others. I didn’t even understand why I was so angry.

Last year after Googling words like anger, frustration and suicide I came across Buddhism. The basics of Buddhism say that anger is caused by frustration. Frustration is caused by inability to get what you desire. Suffering can be ended by controlling your desires. It finally made some sense to me. I desired friendship so much but was unable to attain it that it ate away at me until I nearly self destructed. My childhood friends were married and had no desire to be in touch with me. My school friends were far away and would not return my attempts to contact them. The people I work with have very little in common with me. The clubs I joined left me feeling lonely even as I was surrounded by people with similar interests.

Once I realized the cause of my frustration I learned to suppress my desires. I decided around September of last year that I would completely stop attempting and wishing for a friend until the end of the year just to see how it would work. For the first time ever I could feel that happiness was within my reach. My frustration and anger were at an all time low and life almost felt worth living. After the year ended I decided to make it permanent. I was able to find satisfaction through watching TV. The people on TV are like friends. I went back to working on projects and keeping to myself. It was working. I haven’t felt that good in so long. My desire for friendship and human interaction is pretty much gone now. It still comes back but I can fight it off. Humans are social beings so it is embedded deep in our minds that we must be around others. I can and must control it so that I don’t slip back.

Although I am no longer frustrated and angry, my new system has left me with a feeling of great emptiness. I look for projects and entertainment to keep my mind off of it. It’s not the best trade-off but it is all I have and it helps me stay alive. Fortunately I have not turned to alcohol or drugs. Even though I want to I am intelligent enough to know that they are not the answer and will cause more damage than good.

The extent of my interaction with old friends is through Facebook. I am considering dropping that because I am getting very little out of it. It just keeps reminding me of my problem. Overall I am doing relatively well now. As I refine my system I think things will only get better for me. I should probably see a psychologist but I’m afraid he will screw up what I have accomplished.