>I’m 40. Going to be 41 this year.
Can you imagine 41 years of life without love?
I have only known parental love and for 32 of those years I’ve only known motherly love.
My life is half over yet I have probably another 40 years to look forward to a lonely loveless existence. Can you imagine? I don’t think you can.
I am fighting a battle that has been in stalemate for so long. It’s a cold war and I have no Reagan to help me. Nobody to tear down the wall. Nobody. Nobody at all.
I do not believe in Heaven or Hell. I can’t. Believing that there is life after death only prolongs my pain. I believe in the end of existance. The end of suffering. Not even eternal nothingness. I will cease to exist. There will be no soul experience. There will be no passage of time. No concianceness. No memories. No dreams. It will be like I never was.
Though I am no longer suicidal, I long for death. I do not fear it. I welcome it. All I live for now is my mom. Once she is gone I don’t know how I will survive. With nothing to hold me to life I wonder what will happen to me. I would wish to die before she does for selfish reasons but I would not want her to have to go through my death. Therfore I hold on to what life I have and suffer for as long as I can.
I control my depression with pure mental power. It drains me. I dont’ know how much longer I can fight. I used to seek people’s sympathy. I never got any. Even my mom either didn’t notice or doesn’t know how to help me. I think our family usually ignores problems hoping they will go away. I’ve tried that but it’s not working. I no longer seek sympathy from people I know. I seek it on the internet like this blog for example. The zero comments I am getting pretty much mirrors real life. It’s pointless but I have to get it off my chest…out of my brain so it stops swirling around stinging me like a thousand bees.
Please God. If you are out there let us have a nice nuclear war. Take me out now.