>What’s love got to do with it?

>I’m 40. Going to be 41 this year.
Can you imagine 41 years of life without love?
I have only known parental love and for 32 of those years I’ve only known motherly love.
My life is half over yet I have probably another 40 years to look forward to a lonely loveless existence. Can you imagine? I don’t think you can.

I am fighting a battle that has been in stalemate for so long. It’s a cold war and I have no Reagan to help me. Nobody to tear down the wall. Nobody. Nobody at all.

I do not believe in Heaven or Hell. I can’t. Believing that there is life after death only prolongs my pain. I believe in the end of existance. The end of suffering. Not even eternal nothingness. I will cease to exist. There will be no soul experience. There will be no passage of time. No concianceness. No memories. No dreams. It will be like I never was.

Though I am no longer suicidal, I long for death. I do not fear it. I welcome it. All I live for now is my mom. Once she is gone I don’t know how I will survive. With nothing to hold me to life I wonder what will happen to me. I would wish to die before she does for selfish reasons but I would not want her to have to go through my death. Therfore I hold on to what life I have and suffer for as long as I can.

I control my depression with pure mental power. It drains me. I dont’ know how much longer I can fight. I used to seek people’s sympathy. I never got any. Even my mom either didn’t notice or doesn’t know how to help me. I think our family usually ignores problems hoping they will go away. I’ve tried that but it’s not working. I no longer seek sympathy from people I know. I seek it on the internet like this blog for example. The zero comments I am getting pretty much mirrors real life. It’s pointless but I have to get it off my chest…out of my brain so it stops swirling around stinging me like a thousand bees.

Please God. If you are out there let us have a nice nuclear war. Take me out now.

>Shorts in the winter?

>As I drive to work on a 40 degree morning I see people wearing shorts. I see them in restaurants and stores. It’s January!!! They wear a coat but shorts at the same time.
While my mind boggles I try to break it down..

Are they:

1. In denial? Do they think that by dressing for summer that it will make it summer?
2. Just plain stupid? There’s always this possiblity. We live very close to Mexico.
3. Making a rebellious fashion statement?
4. Completely Insane? i wonder what percentage of the population is actually insane.

Somebody must know. Please comment before my head explodes.

>What am I feeling?

>It seems that after I do something, even if I do something good and do it rather well, I get a feeling that I shouldn’t have done it. It’s almost like “Doer’s remorse”. That’s the best I can do to explain it. What is this feeling? Is it an emotion? What does it mean? Why do I feel this way? I feel that I should never do anything again. Just crawl back into my dark box and hide.

>Strive for Eccentricity

>Now that I no longer have to worry about what others think about me since I have no need to attract them, I think I will strive for Eccentricity. I’m already weird by common standards though it is not visible from the outside. I’ve been invisible all my life. Physicist Richard Feynman said, “What do you care what other people think.” I agree.

I’ve spent my whole life worrying about what other people think and it has gotten me nowhere. I became a lonely, uptight, self tortured sombitch. Time to leave that behind. I will now do as I please. This is going to be very tough to accomplish. Changing your whole outlook on life is not something you can do overnight. Hopefully I can pull it off.

Let me start by saying, “Pbbbbbbbbt!”

>Renunciation

>Inventor Nikola Tesla “Destroyed his sexuality at age 40.”
When I was in high school I destroyed mine. I had no interest in sex though it didn’t necessarily help me in my studies I didn’t live the High School life. It suited me well since I had my whole life ahead of me for such things. My sexuality was reborn in my late 20s and made my life a living hell for 20 years. Now that I recognize my opressor I once again renounce my sexuality for the rest of my life. Someone like me can never have sex except with a prostitute. I accept it and it will no longer control me. The Pope has had more sex than I have and now I’m fine with that. Begone evil demon. Find a victim elsewhere!

Tesla died alone and penniless. That is my destiny as well. I’m ok with that. Though I am alone I am no longer lonely. Penniless is fine with me too. I save now so that I can retire early and live simply. I have no ambitions for wealth. Only comfort.

>An Interesting Dream

>Last night I had a very interesting dream. I murdered someone. I don’t remember why but I do remember it happening. It was either by stabbing or by gun. There was a long police chase both on foot and by car. It was a really good car. Eventually I was caught. They took me directly in for execution. There was no court time or jail time. As they were getting ready to strap me in the electric chair I miraculously escaped and there was another chase. In the end I was playing basketball with the cops.

As I said before, my dreams are almost never pleasant but they are at least interesting. Even the unpleasant ones are better than real life for me. I like sleeping. I’m gong to take the day off tomorrow. I need some rest.

>Human Endeavor is bad

>To strive for meaning reveals pointlessness. One must coast through life, not looking for anything. The very act of seeking purpose exposes frustration. Out, Out damned spot!
I cast you out of my life. Away! and do not return. You are not welcome here.