>I wonder if I’m going to have Alzheimers when I get older. I wonder if I have it now. I am having a really hard time remembering things. Even as I look back on my old posts here they seem like they were written by somebody else. I all like, “Wow. Did I write that?” I may even repeat blog entries because I forgot that I wrote about a certain subject already.
>It’s entirely possible that love is not meant for everyone. I am working on accepting the fact that I am not one of the regular people who are allowed to have such things. It’s not really that hard since I’ve never experienced it. You can’t really miss something you never had. To tell the truth, I’ve really never yearned for love. It was always friendship that I desired. I never went looking for love because I wanted a friend first. You can’t have friends when you have love. They just don’t work simultaneously. So it’s pretty easy to let go of love. I think it’s more of a movie prop anyway.
>For the last few days this mid-September the high temperatures have been only in the mid 90s here in San Antonio. It’s actually a real relief from the record 58 day over 100 degree summer. The atmosphere has a feeling of relieved stress. The mornings are ALMOST to the point where you can drive to work with the windows down and the air conditioner off. Lows in the upper 60s may sound good but the humidity is near 100 percenet ever morning. Weathermen are predicting an actual cool front this coming Tuesday. It may be the first real relief of the fall. Millions of people are looking forward to it with great expectation of ushering in a time where they can leave their air conditioned houses and enjoy the strangeness of the outdoors.
>I was watching TV tonight (Surprise!) and I heard the phrase, “Confidence is learned from your father.” Suddenly a lot of things made sense to me. My father died when I was a little boy. I’ve had no role model for confidence. So now what?
>What if I’m not actually lonely? What if I am just responding to society’s pressure to desire human contact? Is it maybe an external force? What about the desolate emptiness I am feeling? Is friendship really the answer? I’m not so sure. There must be something else. Maybe I can just let it go. Letting it go won’t fill the hole though. Hmmm. This is deceptively complex. I feel like the answer is in a dimension I can’t wrap my brain around. I’m pressed against the membrane but cannot reach through it. There has to be more.
>I just saw a story on the local news about people (especially women) should refrain from talking about being fat. Talking about it only makes it worse. Now you may be expecting me to talk about how stupid this is but I am not. This is something that I’ve felt for a long time. People are so self-conscious about their weight and body looks that they end up wearing long clothes in 100 degree weather. Now THIS is stupid. I like to see chubby women wearing tiny bikinis. Anyone who can not worry about how they look is in a good frame of mind. Many years ago I was staying at a condo on the beach with my family and there was a chubby boy, around middle school age, wearing a little green speedo. I thought that was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
>This morning I woke up wanting to go somewhere. The weather wasn’t so great but I just felt the desire to drive. I spent about an hour searching the internet for things to do in South Texas today. I scoured Google Maps looking for somewhere interesting to visit nearby. Unable to find anything that grabbed my attention I began feeling desparate and depressed. I gave up and went to Subway for lunch. I felt much better after lunch and spent the rest of the day at home doing stuff. I cleaned up the back patio and pressure washed all the mold off the cement. I finished authoring a few DVDs of movies I recorded off my DVR for saving. Cut the grass. Watched some TV. Overall it was a good enough way to spend Saturday by myself. Better than work, right?