>The Wind in the Walls

>There is a wind blowing in the walls of my house.  I’ve done the best I can to seal it in but if you ever open the wall for some light construction like adding an outlet the wind blows out though the hole.  It doesn’t even have to be windy outside.  I think there may be a black hole somewhere in my house.  Maybe it is a doorway to another dimension.  There are a few rooms I don’t go into very often.  Perhaps one of the walls in one of those rooms is false.  I’m going to go around the rooms feeling the walls to see if my hand slips through somewhere.

>Activity Chart

>

I like to make charts and diagrams to help myself understand what is going on and how life works.
Today I’m trying to make sense of why I never do anything fun. I decided to make a small spreadsheet to analyze my friend’s ability to do things I like. Here’s what I came up with. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. N means No. Y means yes but very difficult to organize. M means maybe but not likely.

>External Validation

>It is helpful to the psyche to occasionally have someone tell you how you are doing.  Whether you are doing things right or wrong.  Having grown up without a father I got little coaching in how to do things.  I can only hope that I am on the right path.  My boss DOES occasionally thank me for doing a good job.  He’s not very good at it and I have always taken it wrong.  I need to understand that he is doing the best he can and I should take it as it is intended.  Having received little external validation in my past I am not very good at understanding it.

I have felt lately that I need to know how I am doing.  During my community band practice I keep hoping the director will tell me whether or not I am doing a good job.  Unfortunately I am not getting anything.  I can only assume that I am awesome.  Either that or I suck so bad I am not worth the trouble.  Being the only Oboe player  that makes me valuable.  Maybe he is just putting up with me in order to keep the part covered.
You see.  I just don’t know.  My high school band director was the same way.  I really had no clue as to whether I was doing it right.
I think I will stick with the understanding that I am awesome until proven not-awesome.  It’s best for the ego.

>What matters?

>While pondering the question, “What matters?” I discovered a kind of a cloud or mind block.  While some people might say their spouse, children, friends or job.  I find myself unable to answer in a meaningful way.  I could say my house or my TV shows but what value do those things really have?  To really think about what matters to me brings up a fog that I am unable to see through.  So what really matters to me?  How can I answer this question?  Is it significant that I am unable to answer?  I wonder if anyone else out there has this problem.

So how do you define what matters?  Perhaps things that matter are things that you could not replace if they were lost?  Things that you would have a hard time living without.  In that case material things like a house or TV, which are easily replaceable, do not matter.  Only people could fit that category.  I would totally miss my Mother.  I already miss my Father as you may know.  As my mother is still alive I would certainly say that she matters.  I have a brother and a sister.  I’m not sure I can classify them as mattering though.  If they were gone I would miss them a little but I could live without them.  I am currently living without them so there would be little change from the present.  The rest of my relatives are pretty much the same as my brother and sister.  My acquaintances also fall into the same category. 

Would it be “sad” to say that my mother is all that matters to me?  Maybe.  But only by society’s “Standards”.  I am not to be bound by society’s standards.  So unless I can come up with another definition of “what matters” then I guess Mom is it for me.  Could there be something more in the future?  Of course.  I hope I live long enough to find out but not long enough to never know.

>Space is boring

>I am watching a space documentary on PBS.
Why are these shows on space so boring? They never say anything new. It’s all Big Bang, Red Shift, etc.. It has all been said before. Why make the same show over and over?

Space is also boring to me because of my age. When I was young, space was awesome and one day I would be exploring it in my personal space ship. Now that I’m 42 that possibility is nonexistent so who gives a fuck about space anymore.

You would think by now that man would at least have decent probes and real telescopes. Hubble is good but not good enough. Space science is too slow to develop. We don’t really know that much more than we did back in the days of Copernicus. Screw it. I’ll be dead in 40 years or less so don’t waste the time and money on space exploration.

My only hope is that aliens come and give us the technology we need or at least pick me up and take me with them.

>Vacation Dilema

>I would like to take a short vacation.  Just a few days.
I’m thinking of going camping at a state park in SW Texas.  It’s far enough from the light pollution of the cities but not a million miles away.  Sounds good you say?  Sounds great in theory.

My problem is do I go alone or invite someone?

1. Going alone.
Pros: If I go alone I could enjoy the peace and quiet.  The nature.  I could spend as much time as I want enjoying any little thing that grabs my interest.
Cons: Usually when I go somewhere alone I get bored and lonely and the whole trip feels pointless.

2. Inviting someone.
Pros:  Might not feel lonely.
Cons: The person I invite will not have any money.  Will not be able to get off of work.  Will talk all the time. Will not want to do what I want to.  


Hmm.  Going alone looks better now.  I guess that’s the answer.
Thank you.  You’ve been helpful.

>Where is everyone?

>It’s Monday, April 12th.  The streets were strangely empty during rush hours today.  Half the people at my community band practice were not there.

Where is everyone today?  Am I missing something important?  Some kind of secret holiday?  Is it Ferris Bueller’s day off?  The Feast of Maximum Occupancy?  Festivus?

No fair.  I had to go to work.