Today I got a response from what sounds like someone who might be nicely compatible with myself but I am unable to get myself to write back. I’ve been lonely for SO long that I may be afraid to change my life even if it is for the better.
Even though I say I’m lonely I’m not sure that I am. In fact I’ve admitted a number of times that I prefer my life this way even as part of me is dying inside. I literally don’t know what to do. I am still at war with myself. Yes, it is partially shyness and fear of meeting new people as well as the fear of change. I have a life planned around my loneliness. I’ve spent 44 years building my castle of sadness and I might be happy in it. Can being sad make you happy? That’s doesn’t sound good at all.
In the end, I don’t want to meet new people. I want the people I know to be what I need but that’s impossible. How messed up is that? Send some men over to take me away because I think I may be totally insane.