Psychological Breakthrough! Though I’ve known it for years, I didn’t realize it was really a “thing”. While surfing the web this evening I came across a forums website for people who are asexual and aromantic.
For those of you not familiar with the scientific terminology asexual basically means (in this case) non-sexual. Consequently aromantic means non-romantic. Or not really attracted to anyone in a romantic way.
I have NEVER been attracted to anyone. I thought for a long time that I was gay because I wasn’t attracted to women. The fact that I was not attracted to men either only made things more confusing. Today I think I understand what is going on and that I am not the only person on this god-forsaken planet that feels the way I do.
To make matters worse, I am not completely asexual. I do have desires for sex but on this planet sex is difficult to come by without the romance part. There is prostitution but that is illegal and dangerous. Perhaps that is why I thought I might be gay. You can not get sex without attraction and romance from women but gay men will do it at the drop of a hat. Being grossed out by other men makes that difficult as well. So I’m not gay. That’s good because I don’t want to be gay. It doesn’t bother me too much that I am still a virgin at 44. Sex, although nice, really isn’t everything. I really don’t care if I die a virgin. I kind of like the idea of asexuality. Like I’ve said before, Sheldon Cooper is my idol.
I don’t know what family and friends think of me. They haven’t made any indication either way. I guess that’s good. Either they accept me as I am or don’t give a damn. I’m thinking the latter is the case.
So what am I to do now that I’ve discovered that I am not alone? Well, if nothing else, I feel relieved. For so long I’ve felt broken but had no idea what to fix. Now I’m thinking that being broken isn’t really a bad thing. Marriage is just the first step towards divorce anyway. Who needs all that?
In the end, I think I like myself just the way I am. I even have to admit that not having to deal with dating and love and sex and all that gives me a feeling of superiority over the common animal-folk that surround me.
I think I’ll meditate on this for a while and see where it takes me. I feel better just for knowing such a thing exists.