Quick Movie Review – The Hunger Games

There was a lot of hype about both the book and movie “The Hunger Games” but I fail to see why they are so popular.  It is the story of a girl from a slum district in the future who is selected to fight in a Running Man style televised reality game in which she has to fight to the death in order to win.

The end was pretty much predictable.  I found both the book and the movie to be tedious and I was glad when it was over.  Perhaps it is more popular with teenage girls.  Otherwise I don’t see the reason for the hype.  I rate this movie: Meh.


Are you OK?

The mental anguish I have been experiencing over the last few days must be visible on my face.  Two people have asked me if I am OK.  I really appreciate that people might notice that I am in pain but I really don’t know what to tell them so I tell them I am OK.  Not fine, but OK.

I’m really NOT OK but I don’t know how to even begin to tell them about my problems.  I know they don’t really want to know anyway, they are just being nice.  I don’t even know for sure myself what my problem is.  It may be much deeper than I think or perhaps really shallow.  I just don’t know.

Thanks for caring enough to notice though.  I really appreciate it.


Family Time Therapy

After discussing my misery with my mom the other day I didn’t really feel much better.  I still don’t want to leave her on her own at 84 while I try to make myself less miserable.

I took Monday off and spent the whole day in bed.  I didn’t want to think or talk to people or even see the sun. (I hate the sun).
I took a Tylenol PM every six hours to help me sleep the day away.   I enjoyed that very much.  The window in my bedroom is boarded up to keep the sun out so it was midnight dark all day.  A/C cranked down to 67 and ceiling fan on high, I pretended it was winter and got out my winter blanket.  I might do this more often.

Tuesday is my sister’s birthday so I took another day off.  I picked up my mom and drove to Seguin to my sister’s house where my aunt met us.  We went out for lunch and I spent the afternoon installing the reverse osmosis system we bought for her birthday.  It was nice to be around people who love me.  It is something I so seldom experience that the love drains away and all I have left is anger and frustration.  If there is a down side to living alone, this is it.

In the end I feel much better.  I’m going to try not to think about my future for a little while.   It is good to take a brain holiday sometimes.

Letting it out

I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom about my misery and need to move away.  We both cried.  I’ve been avoiding this for so many years because I didn’t want to upset her.  I’ve tried everything I can possibly think of to make living here in hell bearable but eventually you reach the limit.

As I was hoping she seemed to understand.  I don’t want to leave her here alone.  The best thing for me that could happen would be for her to move with me.  I also don’t want to make her do something she doesn’t want to do just for my happiness. God, I can’t tell you how much this sucks to have to even be in this situation.

It feels partially better to know that she would give me her blessing to leave her all alone but somehow it doesn’t really console me a whole lot.

The only alternative to moving to a better place would be to go completely brain-dead.  I’m not sure I can do this though I feel I am halfway there.  Even if I could pull it off, staying brain-dead for ten or fifteen years would be incredibly difficult.  I doubt that there has ever been a case of successful voluntary brain-death for such a long-term.

We are both going to keep an open mind about this and hope that something can be worked out.  In the meantime I might give brain-death a try.


I wish I had a tractor

I recently discovered that I am able to get the RFD-TV channel on DirecTv.  It is basically a Rural network for farmers.  I have been enjoying this channel even though I am mired deeply in the suburban wasteland of San Antonio.

I set my DVR to record the bi-weekly Farm Report which covers weather and crop status along with farming tips and news.  Some Saturdays I just leave it on this channel and watch whatever is on.  I’m not a farmer but I think in an alternate timeline I would be a great farmer.  I appreciate rural life and hope that one day I may be a part of it.  I wish I had a tractor.  That would mean I lived in the country.  Sigh…

Is love real or just an excuse for sex?

As I was having lunch today in one of the numerous Subway sandwich shops in my neighborhood, I listened to the radio that was blaring loudly throughout the restaurant.  It seemed to be on a love song station.  Of course I’m willing to bet that the majority of songs are based on love.

It made me think about love itself.  What is it?  It is actually a thing or is it just a construct we use on the path to sex?  I’ve never experienced love myself so I find it difficult to comprehend.  Personally I desire sex but not love.  As a logical being I see love as a tool rather than the machine.

When I see people kissing and hugging in public I try to make sense of it and all I can come up with is they are just pretending so that they will stay together and have sex later.  Do they ACTUALLY love each other?

I’ll never understand love.  I’ll never experience it.  I have no love inside me at all that I can detect.  I can only guess that through the 44 lonely years of my life, the ever-increasing hate I have cultivated for my fellow human beings has slowly calcified my ability to love or feel affection.  I wonder if it is possible to change and what it would take.  I can’t imagine.