It seems contrary to what you might expect. We all struggle to reach our goals in life but is the dream we strive for really the right thing? Buddhism teaches us to be satisfied with things as they are. Maybe there is something to that after all.
A few days ago I was really down at the bottom of my frustration well as I came to the realization that my dream is unattainable at this time. If the goal I had worked for over the last 20 years suddenly became impossible then what was I to live for? It’s a good thing I don’t own a gun.
If I really think about it, my dream is based on escape from myself. Something that I don’t think I am capable of achieving in the manner I had planned. I am also trying to escape from other things but myself is the main thing. I wanted to move away from my home, work and family and start fresh hoping that a new beginning will bring me the change that I desperately need. Maybe it would work but there is a better chance that it wouldn’t. The old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.” may be inescapable.
The actual act of planning my escape was causing more stress on me that the problem itself. What if I try a different approach. I can still move away from my personal hell but I could put it off for another ten years. That looks like an eternity at this point.
My main reason for staying is to support my mom who is 82. She is doing very well by herself but needs moral support and help with the manly work around the house. I don’t mind this at all except for the fact that it is 102 degreesin San Antonio for 6 months out of the year. The oppressive heat and humidity is my arch-enemy. If summer highs were in the 80s and lows in the 50s then I could be 90% satisfied with my life as it is. I can’t leave my mom at this point. There’s just no way. I must suffer it out because she is all I have and she needs me. If my father hadn’t died of a heart attack in 1977 my world would be completely different.
Maybe I don’t have to suffer as much as I make myself endure. By waiting another 10-15 years I will have a much better retirement savings anyway. Unfortunately I will be 55-57 years old. That is not much of an early retirement. I’ll be probably too old to do the things I want to do which are physical labor based. 57 is not super-old though. Maybe I can manage.
If I am to make it another 15 years in my current life, changes are going to have to be made. I can’t spend another decade and a half wallowing in self-pity. Somehow I need to meet people and do things. I need to step up the value of my life. I’m not sure how to do this but I’m going to have to figure it out and try harder.
For the last five years I’ve been winding down in preparation for my move. Saving as much money as possible, cleaning out my extraneous junk, not making any plans or starting any big projects and avoiding any relationships. All these things would hold me back. Now that my move is pretty much cancelled, I’m going to have to re-learn how to live. (Not that I was very good at it in the first place).
I’m going to need moral support. I hope I can find some. I may seriously plan on seeing a psychologist. I think I need professional help to get my life kick-started. It is obvious that I can’t do it on my own.
I don’t know if this plan is real or it is just the 5-htp working. I’m going to go with this mental attitude for a while and see where it takes me. Maybe I’ve hit the proverbial rock-bottom and am ready to climb out of my pit. Cross your fingers for me.