Could I have a family?

While having some lunch at a nearby restaurant, I noticed a number of families come in to eat.  As usual, it made me think…

I’m 44 years old now.  As I child I never looked to have a family.  My goal was always to retire early and girlfriends, wives and children make such a thing impossible for the common man.  It was always logical that since I don’t want to work my life away, there was no way I could afford a family.  Therefore I have none.

Yes, the loneliness is crushing even though I am on the verge of my early retirement goal.  Did I chose poorly?  I think, perhaps, yes.

Who am I to deny the human nature of making children?  It is what we are programmed to do.  I’ve always thought to myself that if everyone is doing it then it is too common.  I’ve always thought I was the smart one for avoiding the pain and suffering of relationships and family strife.

There is much to be said for living the family life.  To have a house full of people who love you no matter how poor your are might be the secret of life itself.

Still, it sounds so crass.  To struggle financially against unnecessary odds to raise an unnecessary family.  Gross!  Why would anybody want that voluntarily?

In the end my life will be relaxed and work-free but at what cost?   My fate is to die alone in a little one bedroom house to be eaten by my cat.  Maybe I lose after all.  Life is what you make of it and I think I made it wrong.

In another universe I can see myself with a family.  It is a strange vision, indeed.  My other self is happy and that makes me sad.

I don’t think I can change the outcome of this life though.  My thinking is far too engraved to modify.  I can’t see myself in love with anyone.  I can’t see myself having a family.  Not here.  Not now.  Not ever.

If I worked at it hard enough I might make it happen but it would be far easier to kill myself and get it over with quickly.  If I had to work that hard to do it how real could it be?  So many marriages end in divorce that I can’t afford the time to even give it a chance.  If I lost half my savings in a divorce then my life’s work is ruined.

I don’t know.  I’m leaning towards just giving up on caring about it.  That’s hard too.  Death looks better all the time.