Coming to terms with my loneliness has been a long and bumpy road. I started out by trying to convince myself that I was not lonely but I never believed it. Lately I have begun to believe. I’ll never get over it completely but I finally feel that I prefer to be alone for the most part. It could be because I’ve just never met the person who makes me want to not be alone. I’ll never give up on that possibility but I don’t want to be frustrated about it. It may never happen and right now I’m OK with that.
Fighting the feeling that life is slipping away and I’m not doing anything worthwhile with the time I have left is weighing heavily on me right now. Sitting here, locked in sprawling suburbia in a town where all there is to do is go drink doesn’t help. I don’t drink so what am I supposed to do? I want to move to a cooler climate but I can’t because I don’t want to leave my mom all alone. Frustration!
I’m doing my best to fight it by just not thinking about it. It is incredibly difficult. My favorite thing in life is to watch TV. It bothers me greatly that it is a wasteful pastime because I am capable of so much more. As time goes by my capabilities will wane. It is a race with time spent sitting on the couch. I can avoid thinking about it for now but how long can it go on? Can I just sit there like common people who have no aspirations? Why not? Who do I think I am? Someone special?
I don’t know. What am I supposed to do? I guess for now attempted ignorance will have to suffice. I’m OK for now.