Back from the brink

clffShutting down your life is more difficult than you might think.  Maybe just for me.  It takes a great effort to not think about the things that you most desire.

For the last week, I have disabled my Facebook account, turned off all notifications from this blog and unsubscribed to various lists I have been on showing me places to hike or go on vacation.  I did my best to cut myself off from the outside world in hopes of learning something about myself.

I boarded up my windows against the unrelenting Texas summer sun, cranked down the air conditioner and began a marathon of Northern Exposure.  I had recorded it off of TV and made myself DVDs a few years ago.  My plan was to watch it all once I moved to Colorado.  Since that is currently out of the question, I decided to do it anyway.  I enjoy Northern Exposure because it depicts life in a tiny Alaskan town where people are friendly and life is simple.  I enjoy the Indian culture as well.  It means something in a world where culture is lacking.  Watching it helps take my mind off my own world.

I had not planned on doing any more blogging for a while but found that I missed the therapeutic value I get from sharing my thoughts and getting them out of my head so they won’t just swirl around up there.  You don’t want to have too much pressure in your head. It’s bad for you.  I would hate to have to drill a hole to let it out.  Too much blood might get out as well.

I am not done with my removal from life.  Just letting it out a little.  There is much left to learn.  I am leaving Facebook disabled as well as the comments on this blog.  I’m doing my best to control my thoughts about making my life better.  It just causes too much frustration.  It is very difficult to do because it is human nature to want a better life.  You can’t fight human nature but I must try.  I will be making a list of things that I should not think about.

Overall, I am feeling a little better.  Time heals all wounds.  Even those that are self-inflicted.