I was watching some old videos that I had digitized on my iPad. They were videos of myself as a child at various ages that became real. I saw my father taking me to ride a small train. I was having a great time as if it was the best thing in the world.
We were then at some kind of camp. There was a large spoon and little-me picked it up and pretended to launch a large spoonful of mashed potatoes at a crowd who screamed in anticipation of being hit by a huge wad of mush white goo.
I was sitting at a picnic table when toddler-me walked by. I said to him, “Hi Me.. Hi Me”. Toddler-me acknowledged my presence with a smile. I got up from the table and turned a corner into a building where my feeling of youthful playfulness melted away into real life. I woke from my dream with the call of work. I spoke aloud in the empty bedroom, “That was an awesome dream! Best dream ever!”
This dream made me think about my life. That boy in the dream was not me. Even as a boy my playfulness was stilted. I was always thought too much and was far too serious. I can attribute it mostly to my father’s death when I was 9. He was a playful man but I did not get a chance to learn it from him.
My attempts at humor became dark. Eventually I lost the ability to show playfulness on the outside. It only existed on the inside with no way of expressing itself. I didn’t learn the skills required for social life placing me deeper in exile.
Now I am a robot. I do what I am supposed to do while a little boy inside me cries. I wonder if there is any way to reverse the damage that is my existence. Can I ever learn to play again? I don’t even know how to begin. I will probably do some web searching and look for some books but I don’t expect I will find anything more than platitudes and shallow advice.
I feel that I need to address this issue because it may be the most important thing in the world. As I sit here remembering my wasted past, experiencing my pointless present, and dreading my empty future, I know what needs to be done. I just don’ t know how to do it and there is nobody out there who can help me. I am on my own and it is completely up to me to drag myself out of the hole I have dug for myself. I have great hope that I can do it but not a lot of expectation. Where is my angel?