Someone to talk to

lstnerYou know what I am most missing in my life?  Someone to talk to.  I mean really talk to.  Like a BFF with whom I can share my deepest secrets and darkest thoughts.

I have a few friends.  I have difficulty using the word Friend to describe them though.  More like good acquaintances.  I don’t feel I can open up to them though.  I know they will not understand.  I know they may react poorly to what I want to share.  I guess that’s why I can’t really call them “friends”.

I had a friend once, about 15 years ago.  He once told me openly that he was really glad that he had someone (me) with whom he could talk to.  I was unable to return the sentiment.  There was no way I could talk to him in that manner.  It was shortly after that we never saw each other again.  It was a good thing.

I am a great listener and am never openly judgmental about what someone may tell me.   I have an open mind and am great at keeping secrets for other people.  People can tell me anything and I will still love them.

I have a brother who is five years younger than me.  I cannot talk to him at all.  He is the dictionary definition of judgmental.   His closed mind is a brick wall with spikes.

I have sister who is 15 years older than me.  Geologically separated all my life I failed to develop a relationship to her.  She is very open-minded and intelligent but I could never feel comfortable talking to her.  In the event of an emergency, I believe she will be my only comfort.  It would have to be an emergency though.

My mom is a wonderful person.  I could possibly talk to her about a few things but I can’t stand the idea of her knowing the poor state of my mental health.  I don’t want to hurt her in any way or make her cry for me.

I have mulled around the idea of speaking to a psychologist.  A few times I came close to doing it.  I’m not sure that is really a good idea.  There are things that I would need to say that shouldn’t be said to anyone who has rules to follow.  Who knows what kind of future repercussions can follow from doing something so official.

The things I need to share can only be done with someone who is close.  A closeness that can only come from many years of great friendship.  That is not going to happen any time in the foreseeable future.  My best option right now is repression.  Keep my thoughts buried deep inside where they can fester as a mental illness.  Yes.  That’s that way it must be.  Get used to it and try not to think about it.