I’m pretty sure my retirement is only going to be temporary. I still have 15 years of worktime left before the official age of retirement according to my retirement portfolio of 59 1/2. Let’s call it 60. I can tell you now that I would not have been able to spend another 15 years at my current job. I would have died. I’m not necessarily going to miss it other than the convenience of its 6 mile away location easy work and good pay. Hmmm.
It is too early to really know because I haven’t even started my long vacation yet and it is possibly just the fear of the future talking but I worry now that if I did retire permanently, how lonely would I be? At least having people at work to talk to and a great everyday lunch buddy it wasn’t so bad. But to be at home alone 5-6 days a week could be really hard even for a dedicated loner like myself. What would be my reason to live? I could face a grizzly death. I could spend time with my mom but she possibly won’t live longer than 5-10 years. After that I would probably have to kill myself.
My mind suddenly opened a bit. I’ve spent my entire life, Seriously! Since I was a little kid! convincing myself that I did NOT want to deal with girlfriends and all the crap that comes along with it. I was possibly right to do so during the first half of my life. Girls are positively insane at younger ages. I could never deal with that. Older women of my age (46) might be a bit more grounded and may be desperate enough to consider an ogre like myself.
Suddenly, being faced with real-life aloneness, the thought of sharing my life with someone became not so stomach turning. Almost life-sustaining. It might be worth dealing with the crap. The crap is maybe what makes life interesting. In the end, it could be all worth it. Suddenly, a kiss, which used to gross me out at the thought, doesn’t sound quite so nasty to a 46 year old virgin. Hmmm.
I’m not going to rush into anything right now. Now is not a good time to be making any decisions. I’m still dealing with serious work-leaving anxiety. My thoughts are running totally wild trying out various future scenarios and worrying about them. I am going to leave this particular scenario on the table. This thought might deserve a bit more attention coming up.