A girlfriend for Max?

shfiI have one more day left at work.  Nothing to do there but my exit interview.  I’m lying here on the couch watching last week’s Greys Anatomy when a weird thought struck me.

I’m pretty sure my retirement is only going to be temporary.  I still have 15 years of worktime left before the official age of retirement according to my retirement portfolio of 59 1/2.  Let’s call it 60.   I can tell you now that I would not have been able to spend another 15 years at my current job.  I would have died.  I’m not necessarily going to miss it other than the convenience of its 6 mile away location easy work and good pay.  Hmmm.

It is too early to really know because I haven’t even started my long vacation yet and it is possibly just the fear of the future talking but I worry now that if I did retire permanently, how lonely would I be?  At least having people at work to talk to and a great everyday lunch buddy it wasn’t so bad.  But to be at home alone 5-6 days a week could be really hard even for a dedicated loner like myself.  What would be my reason to live?  I could face a grizzly death.  I could spend time with my mom but she possibly won’t live longer than 5-10 years.  After that I would probably have to kill myself.

My mind suddenly opened a bit.  I’ve spent my entire life,  Seriously!  Since I was a little kid!  convincing myself that I did NOT want to deal with girlfriends and all the crap that comes along with it.  I was possibly right to do so during the first half of my life.  Girls are positively insane at younger ages.  I could never deal with that.  Older women of my age (46) might be a bit more grounded and may be desperate enough to consider an ogre like myself.

Suddenly, being faced with real-life aloneness, the thought of sharing my life with someone became not so stomach turning.  Almost life-sustaining.  It might be worth dealing with the crap.  The crap is maybe what makes life interesting.   In the end, it could be all worth it.  Suddenly, a kiss, which used to gross me out at the thought, doesn’t sound quite so nasty to a 46 year old virgin.  Hmmm.

I’m not going to rush into anything right now.  Now is not a good time to be making any decisions.  I’m still dealing with serious work-leaving anxiety.  My thoughts are running totally wild trying out various future scenarios and worrying about them.  I am going to leave this particular scenario on the table.   This thought might deserve a bit more attention coming up.



2 thoughts on “A girlfriend for Max?

  1. Gary Pete

    ever seen a happy marriage ? – OK, it could happen, but I would suggest some casual dating before doing anything ‘serious’

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