Running away from myself

As I said before, I have been thinking a lot lately since my retirement stunt began.  I continue to scare myself with some of the conclusions I have come up with lately.  I had a life-long dream of building a small house out in the country away from everyone to basically live as a hermit.  Suddenly that dream has become a nightmare.

I knew all the time that I was trying to get away from people.  All the things that make me uncomfortable.  I didn’t realize that those ideas were deeper than I thought.  Now that the time of reckoning has arrived, it seems that all I am doing is trying to run away from myself.   Thinking that avoiding others would make me a happier person may have been one of the largest mistakes of my life.

My entire life to this point has been spent on a dangerously flawed plan.  Convincing myself that human contact is the last thing I would ever want has dug me into a seriously deep hole.   I contribute this thinking mostly the fact that spending so much time at school and then work made me just want to rest at the end of the day.  The last thing I wanted after a hard day was someone to waste my downtime.   Now that I am faced with infinite downtime, that way of thinking just no longer applies.

I am still in my house in the city and I fear the loneliness will be deafening.  What would happen if I further secluded myself from the people I know or have the potential of meeting.   I can’t grow old alone.  That is not good for anybody.  Already thoughts of suicide are flirting with me.  What would stop them out there?

Even though at this point I do not expect to stay retired, it will totally be the best thing that ever happened because it has already giving me the opportunity to consider the things I have done wrong and might give me a chance to correct them before it is too late.  How I will do that? Well, that’s another story because I have no idea.  The important thing is that I might WANT to change.  This would NEVER have happened had I stayed in a comfort zone that kept me blissfully ignorant of what is really important.

And this is only my first day after leaving work.  It’s probably just the fear talking but I think it might be making a valid and logical point.