I need to ramble a little before going to bed so I might not ruminate on the subject all night.
I’ve covered this subject before, I’m sure. Unfortunately, a satisfactory answer has yet to show it’s head. Not having a viable solution, the problem recurs. I’m sure I am not the only person on the planet pondering such issues though it feels like it. There is no single answer to suit all instances. It is something that a person must either solve on his own or accept the standard solution.
What is my goal in life? What to I desire to achieve? I thought I had the answer but after quitting my job and suddenly being faced with my final solution I find that it was all a complete sham. It was something I convinced myself that I wanted even though it should have been obvious to me that it is not really suitable. Perhaps in part but the full goal was completely insane.
Faced with the cancellation of my goal, I find myself floating on a sea of indecision. What am I supposed to do now? Do I continue on a false path because that is all there is? It is not impossible. Just insane. The insanity is basically due to having to do it alone. I thought that was what I wanted. I believe I might have been wrong.
The Standard Purpose of life is to raise a family. There is no doubt that such a purpose is completely valid and proven over centuries. I rejected that purpose in search of a better one yet have been unable to find it. Now my time is past and I have become so deeply ingrained in my thinking that I cannot even comprehend taking part in the Standard Purpose. What does that mean for my future?
Without purpose, life has little meaning. I find myself greatly desiring to just withdraw from life completely. Another virtually impossible task. If I could borrow Stewie’s time machine, I would go back and prevent my mother and father from ever meeting. I could fade out of existence. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
The obvious solution is to man-up, take life and make it my bitch. I just plain don’t have the energy for that. A lifetime of indecision and going with the flow makes such a radical change in behavior highly unlikely. I would rather fade out.
I’m not really depressed about it. I’m just mostly concerned and confused.
Going with the flow has served me well for 46 years. Yes, I have adjusted the rudder on occasion but the river of time takes me where it wishes. Perhaps that is the best thing for me. Worrying about stuff tends to be a waste of time and energy because the future cannot be guessed or planned for. Things happen and life changes when you least expect it. If I am meant to have company in my declining years then it will be provided. If not, then does it really matter?
I guess I’ll go to bed now. The healing power of sleep is a wonderful thing.