Not handling early retirement well so far

I don’t seem to be handling my early retirement as well as I expected.  My thoughts continually drift to matters of finances, loneliness, pointlessness and how I am supposed to handle the many years ahead of me in such a manner.

Now I was lonely and pointless before my retirement so there is not a lot of change there.  My finances are quite good and I should not be worried yet there it is.

Assuming no interest or large unexpected expenses, I can manage for around 12 years without working.  I only need to last 13 years before I can get my hands on my retirement portfolio.  I think I can get some out of it before then but there will be tax penalties.  I’ll need to look into that because it may help put some of my fears to rest.  Winning the lottery is not working out for some reason. 

If I was to get a low paying job or temporary work then I can last that long easily.  If I got a high paying job, then there is no question.  However, I still cringe at the thought of going to work again.  Therein lies the rub.   I feel like I need to work yet I don’t want to.  This argument won’t leave me alone and is harshing my chill.  My thoughts keep turning to what would happen if I don’t have enough money.  What happens if I am too old to get a good job if I wait too long. 

I am also not getting the most out of my time off because I fear spending money on anything due to the uncertain future.  One side of me says I should go on a spending spree and experience life now and work later.  The other side says don’t waste a dime because you might need it just to live.  It’s a nasty catch-22.

It is too early for me to be doing this to myself yet I can’t help it.   I know I can get a job if I need money.  Hell, I can work for myself.  I am a master computer guru yet I fear the need for gurus is on the wane due to the prevalence of tablets and central management capabilities for workstations in corporate environments.  There’s always the home user plagued by malware.  For now. 

The only thing keeping me from starting my own business is the business itself.  I don’t want people calling me.  That’s not good.  WTF? 

I like the stability of going to work every day and coming home on schedule yet hate having to get up in the morning.  I guess I can manage if I have to.

Working for myself sounds good because I can get my beauty sleep most often. It is logical that I should try that first.  Maybe.  Sleep is important to me because I can’t stand that tired eyes feeling.  It’s horrible!

Overall, like I said, it is still early.  I don’t have to do any of that. I just have to convince myself to shut the hell up and leave me alone about it for a while.

The other problem I have is that I am still in San Antonio.  Hate it!

I would really like to get a manual labor kind of job maybe electrician or plumber, carpenter or even more fun working for a company that restores and sells RVs.  There is no way in hell I can do that in San Antonio.  It is far to damn hot to be outside in the extremely long summer months.  Just can’t do it.   I like working with my hands but heat-stroke is not acceptable.  If I could only move to Colorado, I could really live a good life. 

As long as my mom lives, I must stay.  She has at least another 10 years.  I certainly don’t want her to die but my life is in jeopardy in the meantime.  I envy Robin Williams.  If we are lucky, the ebola will come for us soon.  I give up on the EMP, nuclear war and the asteroid.

So here I am stuck between a big ass rock and a seriously hard place.

Whatever.  I feel better now for getting all of that out.  That’s what this blog is for anyway.  A place for me to let out my thoughts.