An old desire resurfaces

dsreI have but one lifetime goal.  I want to retire early and move to a small town in Colorado where the weather is cold and dry.  I have it picked out but I’m not telling you where because I want it to stay a small town.

I have no common-man desire for a wife and children.  I don’t want a big mansion and a fancy car.  I don’t want a lot of extra money.

I just want to not have to go to work every day and I want to be comfortable.  I’ve worked my life away already for 27 years and I’m tired. I’m ready for the rest one gets when he doesn’t have to work for a living.  A few days, a week, a month, a year off is just not enough.  I took 10 months off between jobs and it was nice but it only lasted a few days.

My current job requires that I take a whole week off at one time.  I don’t have anywhere I wanted to go.  I asked an acquaintance to go on a cruise with me but she is currently locked in a bad situation.  Cruises are not for single people or you have to pay double the price.  Who’s idea was that?

I came up with the idea of going to visit my Colorado town again and look at land.  I’ve seen a number of lots that look good on Zillow and it stirred the old desire up to the surface again.

I had recently come up with the plan to chuck the job and everything in 2020 when I hit my 5 year mark and get all the retirement money the company contributes to my account.  Before then I only get what I put in.  Even 4 years from now is really far off when you consider going to work every day.

Financially, I could pull it off.  Retiring at 51 is early for most folk.  But I have planned for it all my life.  When I was a little kid I promised myself I would retire at 50 and technically, I could do it.

I have one big problem.  Mom.  In 2020 she will be 90 years old.  Still spry but needing my assistance around the house for upkeep.  Can I tell her that I’m leaving the state??  Who does that?   Yeah, people do that to their parents all the time but they are immoral bastards.  The world is full of them.  That’s why it sucks so much.

What happens if she lives to be 100?  She is healthy enough to do it.  I’ll be 61.  Still relatively young but older than I want to be for starting a new life.  What if my health fails.  My back already makes it difficult to do some things.  How am I supposed to build my dream house if I am virtually crippled?  Maybe I’ll be OK if I take it easy for the next 5-10 years.

What happens if I have to live in San Antonio for 15 more years.  I can’t see how that could happen without something dreadful happening to myself.  It would take an amazing amount of mental control and denial.  If you’re not Mexican, living in San Antonio is worse than Hell.   If you are Mexican, then it is the top tier of Heaven.

I could move to a nearby small town in Texas but it is still unbearably hot.  I would still have to move to Colorado later so is it worth it to move twice?  If I am going to live in hell I might as well work and make maximum money until the time comes.

What if I just gave it up?  Suppose I just destroy my only goal in life.  What is the point of living then?  Can I just allow myself to merely exist and blow like dust in the wind?  I guess there are a lot of people who live that way.  What makes me so special?  Just because I am the creator of the known universe doesn’t give me any special rights does it?

What if I chose the Dust in the Wind option?   I’ve pretty much been doing that all my life as it is.  I never set out with any other goal anyway.  Eventually I will achieve it, just not on my own terms.  This is insanely frustrating.  Breathe….Breathe…..  Think of nothing.  Nothingness is good.  Nothingness is calm and everlasting.