Lost my goal in life. Now what?

prpsFor the last 6 months or more I revived my life goal of moving to a small town in Colorado where the air is cool and fresh and the people are white like me.  I found that town a while back and visited a few times to look at land.  Each time I come home disappointed because I’m not rich enough to buy the kind of land I want.  Each time, after a few years pass, the filter of desire made me forget that and I once again get excited about it and life seems to have meaning and purpose again.  I feel happy and good with life in general.

I just got back from another land seeking trip and once again I come home as a lost soul.  I think I’ve learned my lesson this time.  But now what?  What am I supposed to do now?  Sure, I can keep looking in other places but I’ve been deceiving myself.  I can’t leave San Antonio as long as my 87 year old mom is still alive.  She needs me.  She may live another 10 years.  By that time I’ll be too old to achieve my dream.   But that’s not the point.

Is it even a valid life goal?  To build a house in a place with nice climate and beautiful scenery?  Technically, it is generally an easy goal to achieve. But then what?  Once it’s done then I again have no goal.  Therefore it’s not a Life Goal.  It’s just a stepping goal.  It’s not really a purpose either.  It’s just a means to an end.

I’m not sure what I’m even rambling incoherently about.  It’s not coming out right. I’ve written before about goals and purpose.  I’ll have to go find it and re-read it.  But before I do that I want to try a fresh approach.

So what if you don’t have a goal?  Do you need one?  Other people don’t appear to have them so what makes me think I have to have one?  Other people muddle through life taking whatever it has to give them.  Why do I keep feeling that there has to be more?  Why can’t I just let life happen without feeling the frustrated desire of making it mean something?  Is it good enough to just be a good person?  Is it good enough to just be like everyone else?  Do what everyone else does?  Have what everyone else has?

Life is relatively short and you could easily miss it.  It really does go by in the blink of an eye and soon you’ll be on your death-bed not having accomplished anything of real value.  Would it even matter?  After you’re dead it won’t matter.  Maybe, if you’re lucky, somebody will remember you once or twice a year as they muddle through their own pointless lives.  If you’re not.  You’ll never know anyway.

So what is the purpose of life?  Is it really to achieve material goals?  How can that be important?  I once said, in my youth, that the purpose of life is to have a good time.  I remember that now.  Strange how old memories come back to you.  I must have been in high school when I came to that conclusion.  I need to write that up and frame it on my wall.  I’m glad I wrote this blog entry.

Having a good time is the only plausible explanation.  You can’t take anything with you when you die.  A good life is one that ends with no regrets.  I’m going to ponder this concept a bit for the next few days.  I feel a little better now.  Writing can be very therapeutic.  You should try it.

Now I need to figure out how to have a good time.  It’s not something I do easily or well.  I need a teacher.  They say when a student is ready, the teacher will appear.  I need to make myself ready.

To be continued….hopefully.