What is your future?

thfutrI would be lying if I said my recent brush with death didn’t make me think.  It wasn’t an actual heart attack but I was definitely in the danger zone to have one very soon.  It was what they call Angina.  Pain caused by the lack of blood supply to the heart muscle.  The next step is heart-attack.

So basically, I caught it in time before permanent muscle damage was done to my heart.  I knew that my Father died from a heart attack when he was 48 but I didn’t know that it was as common in his side of the family.  His brothers and his father also died the same way at approximately the same time in their lives.  Talk about a time bomb!  I had no idea it was that serious.

Other than serious heart disease, I’m a rather healthy person who ate relatively well, got some exercise, was not overweight, did not drink or smoke.  This is very hereditary.

With improved, strict, eating habits and medical attention, I will outlive my unfortunate ancestors but probably not by as long as I expected.  My life-expectation was to live to at least 80 in good health not really wanting to go any further than that.  I planned my future accordingly.  Now I think I should not plan for more than 60 at the most.

So, then.  What do I really want out of whatever is left in my life?  One of the ultimate questions I’ve been asking myself for so many decades.  I thought I had it figured out but age and recent incidents may have changed it completely.

Let’s review my life goals.  However stupid they may be.

  1. Sex.  Yes.  I’m a virgin at 48.  Possibly the oldest virgin who ever existed on planet earth.  The pope has had more sex than I have.  The Dalai Lama has had more sex than I have.  I guess it’s not really an important goal.  It’s not like sex is something special that not billions of people have experienced before.  Sure I could go to a prostitute but I don’t think that is really sex.  If I died without ever having experienced sex, I would regret it but I don’t feel that would really be that important.
  2. Love. Obviously, as a 48 year old virgin, I’ve never experienced love either.  I’m not sure I’m capable of love.  I just don’t feel like I have it in me.  Love is also something not unusual since billions of other people have experienced it.  Would the planet be any better for me to have ever loved or to have been loved? I would regret not experiencing love but again, I don’t feel that it would have been that important.
  3. Having children.  More of the same.  You can’t have 3 without 1 and 2. Billions and billions, etc.  I think I would regret not having children mostly for the love and experience of it all.   Many people think that having children “carries on your name”, extends your bloodline, etc.  That’s just stupid.  Why would that matter?  I think it’s the love and experience.  I guess I regret it now because my time for that is passed already.  Technically, it could still happen, but realistically…. No.  So there is no doubt that I will die without having children.  Sucks, but on my deathbed as my heart stops and I slip away into oblivion, it won’t really be important.
  4. A house in the country in a cool climate. Material, but it has been my dream for 30 years.  Every time I pursue this dream my hopes are dashed.  I wanted to build my own house.  I wanted privacy to run around the property naked and happy.  I can still make this happen but now I’m not sure I want it anymore.  I do, but I don’t, but I don’t know.  I’m not counting this out for now but I’m going to back-burner it for a while again until I figure shit out.  It’s not like I don’t have a house now.  It would just be different. It’s that really a big deal?
  5. Early retirement.  Like billions of others, I’ve spent the majority of my life, in school and work.  By the time retirement comes around, you’ve wasted your life and have only a few years left to pack in a little enjoyment before the end comes.  I really don’t want to die while still a slave to society.  I want to be a free man for at least 10 years.   If I can’t expect to live to be more than 60 then I’d better figure out how to escape very soon.   Financially, I could do it right now if it wasn’t for the cost of health-care. Especially now that I am diagnosed with heart disease.  All my hard-earned savings will be quickly depleted on health insurance rather than the good life.  I’m really hoping that Hillary can put together some kind of socialized health care very soon.  Either that or some kind of actually affordable health care that costs less than $200 a month.  I think that’s fair and affordable.  Should that suddenly happen, I’ll be suddenly retired.  If I died without having experienced life without work, then I will be devastated.  (For a minute or two).

I guess that pretty much covers what I wanted out of life.  It’s pretty basic. I don’t want power or money except the money I need to live a basic but comfortable existence.  I don’t want fame.   I don’t want fancy cars or a big house.  I don’t want a super-model wife.  I really just want some time to myself to experience life.  Maybe do a little traveling or try some love and sex.  I just want to live free for a little while.  Is that too much to ask?

So if you live in a house in the country in a place where the summer highs seldom go above 93 and in the winter you spend your evenings in front of the fireplace with your family while the snow falls gently outside the window and you get to have sex with your wife before you go to bed…..you are THE happiest man in the world.  I hope you appreciate it.

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