Thinking Straight

thnkstrtIs it just me or is it really hard to think straight these days?

I don’t know about you but it has been a lot of years since I’ve been able to focus my brain on a single thought and follow it to a satisfactory end.  I wonder if it is the fluoride in the water or maybe the way the constant bombardment of media has trained our brain to take existence in tiny chunks then move on to the next thing.

There are so many thoughts that just stay unfinished in my brain.  I think it may have something to do with the lack of data.  Each thought usually ends up at a brick wall because I just don’t have the information needed to get to the conclusion.  I feel like I’m stuck in a tangled city of dead end streets and my GPS is busted.

What I need is some time.  Just some time to dedicate to finding that lost data in a one-at-a-time manner.  If time would just slow down and give me a chance to work on it.  The clock is spinning so fast that the hands are blurred except when I’m at work where they don’t seem to move at all.  Once 5:00 hits, the hands jump like horses out of the starting gate.  And the race is on!

Something is wrong and somebody needs to fix it.  Help us Donald Trump!  You’re our only hope.  This is not right.



Please help me

hlpmplzI am so depressed right now.

I know its only temporary but it would be so nice to have someone to talk to.  I’m sitting here alone at work waiting for time to pass.  I can’t concentrate on reading my book or doing anything.  I keep typing the words “Help me” into Google hoping that a miracle will happen.

Why is it so difficult to find people?  Where are they?

I just need to get home and get away from the world.  Some TV and Sleep is often the best medicine for depression.  There has to be a better way.


To try or not to try

dcsndcI’ve spent 40 some odd years being lonely and no matter how hard I try to get used to it, I just can’t let it go.

I wrote a nice Craigslist ad to see if I can find myself a good female friend.  I wrote a long description of myself, the things I like and what I am looking for.

I’m pretty sure that even if I post it, it is unlikely that I will get any realistic response here in San Antonio.  The people here just aren’t the right kind of people for me.  Either way, part of me wants to try but the other part says, “Don’t do it, Dumbass!”

First of all, All I want is a friend.  I’m not looking for a romantic situation.  A little sex, yes, but not love or marriage.  That’s not for me.

Second of all, I want to leave San Antonio eventually.  Maybe soon even.  Maybe never. I don’t know what the hell to plan for.  It’s kind of a limbo situation until my mom passes away which could be soon or over 10 years from now.  What am I supposed to do?

Logic tells me to try because having someone to make the world better could just change everything.  It also tells me that dabbling in social interaction never turns out in a good way.  I’ve always been sorry for trying.

I’m rather fond of being by myself.  Mostly because being around people who don’t share my interests hurts more than dental work.  ;

My ad is pretty specific about certain things that are sure to weed out commoners right away. That might be helpful in minimizing the pain of the attempt.

So right now I’m leaning toward giving it a shot.  My plan is to post it near the beginning of January to start the year off.  If I get no response then nothing lost nothing gained.  If I get a good response then I guess I’ll deal with it as things happen.

No Appointment Necessary

apptmtBack when I was a kid, when the world was perfect, getting together with others was far less difficult.  We would walk barefoot over to our friends houses and ask if they could play.  I don’t know if it is a just a change in our age or a change of the age we live in but you can’t seem do that anymore for some reason.

Nowadays, it seems, you have to make an appointment with others weeks in advance.  Nobody is available to have any spontaneous fun anymore.  If you ask someone to do something they always have a reason or excuse not to.  It makes me wonder whether they really have an excuse or just plain don’t want my company.  The latter is hard to believe because I’m such an awesome guy.

People are possibly struggling against the speeding up of time and trying to take care of their business in days that become shorter and shorter each year.

I don’t know.  I have nothing to do that is so important that I can’t spend time with good friends. You have to have priorities. Please feel free to come barefoot to my door anytime and ask if I can come out and play.  No appointment necessary.


Dreamblog – A walk in the park

I woke up shortly after going to bed and having a typical work or service-related dream and said out loud to myself, “Please let me have some kind of relaxing dream instead of work.”….

I was walking in a park with my sister.  We entered a canyon with a river flowing at the bottom.  We waded down the river.  Other canyons lead off to the sides like city streets.  It was beautiful and peaceful.  There were other people there but it wasn’t crowded like a park often is.  Ahead of us, a group of boys stripped down to their underwear and jumped into the water. I was wondering where we were so I could come back some time.

I was floating down the river on my back when my sister handed me a Tiffany style lamp.  The cord hung down into the water.  I asked what this was for.  She told me we would need it later.  I noticed it worked on both AC and had a built in battery.  A lady came up to me and started playing with the switches and asking about it.  I turned on the battery switch and the light came on.  She walked away with it.

As we went down the river, the canyon became a city street with a market.  We walked on and the street became a school hallway with lockers.  At the end of the hall was a room with dirty posters on the walls.  I was surprised they would allow that in a school. We went in.

It was some kind of sex and drug den.  The air hung thick with smoke.  In the center of the room was a large box that opened at the top.  My sister mentioned something about blood and got into the box with a guy.

On the side of the room were some couches, benches and tables.  I went over and sat on a couch next to a few other people.  The drug smoke must have been affecting me because I was very sleepy.  I sat there an began to doze off.  A large policeman walked up to me.  I thought I was in serious trouble.  He told me to get out of the way.  He wanted to sit on the couch with the girl next to me.

I was in a daze so I stood up and slowly made my way toward the door wondering where I should wait for my sister.  As I started to walk through the automatic sliding door, I felt a tap on my right shoulder.  I turned to my left as one does when feeling a tap on the right shoulder in a crowded room.  It was some guy telling me there was room at the table.

He lead me to a large restaurant-style booth where some people were sitting and playing cards.  I sat down as the dealer dealt me in.  I guessed they were playing poker.  I wanted to both fall asleep and play cards.  I tried my best to focus and reached for my cards…

I woke up thinking, “Well. That was different.”

Read more of my dreams.

The Dream Resurfaces Again

hitwI know from past experiences that whenever my dream of living in a house in the country outside a small town pushes up from the depths of my repressed desires, there’s going to be disappointment ahead.

I can’t count how many times I’ve chased my dream only to have it dashed to pieces like a wineglass on the tile floor.  Still… The heart wants what it wants.

I’ve had to lower my expectations once again from a small town in the mountains of Colorado to a small town in Texas.  Not what I had in mind but we must make compromises.  Life isn’t as grand as you would expect.

When selecting a small town the following requirements must be met.

1. Must be small and not too close to the virus that is San Antonio.
2. Must have a Lowes, Home Depot or equivalent hardware store.
3. Must have a good quality Grocery Store.
4. Must have a community band.
5. Must have a river.
6. Must be majority White Population.

I’ve found a place that I will leave unnamed because the fewer people who know about it, the smaller it stays.  Suffice it to say, it meets the requirements well.  The only bad part is that it still in Texas where it is hot hot and more hot.  Fortunately the fact that it is not a large city reduces the heat-island effect so evenings have a better chance of being cooler.  We’ve had a recent cold snap in Texas this December and I’ve having second thoughts about wanting to live where it is cold all the time.  Maybe hot isn’t so bad.   If all goes well I will end up with enough privacy that I can be naked all the time anyway and it won’t be as unpleasant.

I’ve also let go of the requirement of building my own house.  It’s still not out of the question. I’m getting older now and it may not be physically possible.  That time may have passed.  I am settling for buying an existing house.  I have been pleasantly surprised to find on Zillow that a few fixer-uppers exist there in my price range of $150K that appear to be nestled on at least an acre of land.  That would work nicely.  I would much prefer a fixer-upper anyway.  The price is lower and I’ll have fun stuff to work on.  I could sell my current house for $150K and easily move to the new place without getting a mortgage.

Now the big question is, When?

I guess, technically, any moment.

A. I’ve been at my current job for almost two years now upon which time I will get my full retirement benefits. (If I make it to retirement age.)

B. I’m still close enough to my mom that I can feel not so bad about moving out of town.  I’ll only be about 2 hours away.

C. I don’t need to have a full time job to exist.  I can work part time or for a lesser salary if necessary in a small town.  Working full time sucks anyway.  I can do with more free time to work on the house.

I’ve spent a lot of time making my current house awesome.

B. The whole moving process is a pain in the ass.

C. I’m afraid of change even if it is something I want so badly.

Before I make any permanent plans, I need to spend more time in that town and get to know the area better.  I’ll use the upcoming spring and summer to learn more about the town and sit in on one of the community orchestra concerts to see if they are any good. I enjoy being the the band now and it would be one of the things I would miss the most when I leave.

It’s kind of nice to have hope again.  When hope is gone then your whole existence is pointless. I hope that this doesn’t evolve into another obsession leading up to disappointment.  You know it will.  At least this time it is more realistic.

Let’s see what happens.




The Amazing World We Live In

amzndt  Does anyone else ever stop and notice what an amazing technological world we now live in?  Socially and Morally we are still pretty messed up but we have the tech! Today’s people take it for granted but just stop and think for a minute.

You can go hop in your car and drive for hundreds of miles in air conditioned comfort in just a few hours.  Something that would have taken weeks just 100 years go.

You can microwave a burrito so hot that Jesus himself could not eat it in only a minute or so.

You can pull a device out of your pocket and video chat with someone across the planet.

You can talk to your Amazon Dot or Google Home and order a pizza without budging from your couch while you watch The Bachelor on your 80 inch flat screen TV upon which you can watch any movie or show streamed over the internet on demand.

In just a short time you will be able to order a self-driving car to pick you up and take you to the mall.

You can put on a Virtual Reality headset and play a game that is better than real life.

You can keep in touch with your “friends”,  see pictures of their amazing escapades and know just what they think about stupid things all day long.

Our grandparents did it the hard way.  We had it pretty easy.  Today’s kids.. Oy vey.  They have no clue.  They don’t even know what it is to live without the Internet or cell phones.

I wonder what the future holds for the humans.  Fat, lazy blobs floating around in chairs while machines do everything?  You know it’s coming…