Heading down a bad path

bdpthI am heading down a bad path mentally.  It’s going to take a serious quantity of happy thinking to get me back on track.

I had better experience an act of kindness from a friend or stranger soon or I’m going to totally lose my faith in humanity and everything good.

My whole life has been spent giving to others and never receiving even the simple things that a person needs to survive.  I don’t want your thanks.  I don’t want your money. I don’t want lame gifts. I want you to nourish my soul and make my life worth living.

Right now I am on the verge of reaching the point of no return and I’m scared.  Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.  I do NOT want to spend any time with friends or family other than my mom.  I don’t want to talk to them.  I don’t want to see them.  I am seconds away from deleting Facebook from my phone and tablet.   Every single time that I have spent time or communicated with others I have regretted it in one way or another.  I leave the situation feeling like my soul has been sucked out leaving my desiccated corpse lying in the dirt.

I am happiest by myself doing fun projects and keeping it awesome.  I guess that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.  I like to be alone.  It’s the best.

Thinking happy thoughts really hard….

 

 

Dreamblog – Zoning Out

It was the first song in our community band concert and I had a big solo.  The director counted off Begin the Beguine and the song started.  Right after the intro there was a short vamp and I totally zoned out.  I heard the vamp before the solo going on and listened intently hoping they would keep it together and on time.  It went on a few times and I started to feel that something was missing.  Oh Shit.  I have a solo here. I looked up at the director who was frantically trying to get my attention.  I waited for it to come around again to start playing and woke up.

I seem to always wake up when things get real.  I guess that could be a good thing.  It protects me from dream harm both mental and physical.

I thought about it for a few minutes wondering whether the band would actually be waiting for me by playing the vamp over and over until I started or if it just went on for a while in the background and they would have continued counting the measures coming in as usual.  Probably the latter.  The former would take too much thought and sudden special attention.

 

Can I be contented

cntntmtSo we come back to this again.

My recent plan to get what I’ve always wanted came really close but no cigar.  The house I wanted to buy was just maybe too far gone to be realistic.  See previous post.

Once again I return to the bigger picture.  Would it not be OK to just be content with what I have?  Millions of people would consider my life accomplishments to be highly desirable.  Even people I know would kill to be in my shoes.  Yet still, somehow, it isn’t enough for me.  I have a dream and that dream demands to be satisfied no matter how unnecessary it may be.

My time is running out.  I’ll be 49 this year and due to hereditary heart disease, my days may be numbered.  I don’t know that for sure but you kind of have to plan for the worst case scenario.  I may not make it to the Social Security retirement age of 63.  Single people have a tendency to live shorter lives as well.  Loneliness makes life less worth striving for.  I think I may be lucky to have another 10 years left. 20 Maximum.

I don’t like living in the big city.  I don’t like working 8-5.  I don’t like paying $3000 property tax.  On the other hand, millions of other people are doing it so what makes me special?

Would it be possible to just be happy with the really nice house I have in a neighborhood full of other houses within arm’s reach of each other?  Is it good enough?  Everyone else here seems OK with it.  Why am I not OK with it?  Could I be OK with it?

Technically, I could just stay here and live out the rest of my life as is.  The backup plan is really to sit tight until my mom passes away.  At that point I would be free to move about the country at will.  She’s 86 now but in good health.  I certainly don’t want her to die and she may not for another 15 years.  That would put me dangerously close to my end of life.  If I make it that long I would not have much time left to experience life outside of San Antonio.

So should I be content now?    Surely that’s not impossible.  Rather than spending another two decades fighting reality, maybe I should welcome it and get as much as I can out of life as it is.  It’s really not all that bad considering the human condition.  It’s pretty much as good as it gets unless you win the lottery.  (Still buying tickets occasionally but it’s harder than it looks.)

I wish I wasn’t so intelligent.  Maybe I need beer.  Beer seems to do the trick for everyone else.  A little liquid mind control might be just the thing.  I hear there is legislation in the works for Texas to make marijuana legal.  That would content me out I think.  I won’t hold my breath for it though.  Texas is very conservative and uptight.

Thinking is bad. Don’t do it!  It will only lead you down the path to unhappiness.  Be content.  Right?

 

House Update

mynwhseMajor bummer.  I was set to meet a realtor out at my potential future country home this weekend.  I thought it might be a good idea to check to see if it was still available.  Good thing I did.

According to Zillow, it is no longer for sale.  I sent an email to the realtor to double check.

I had taken a picture of the original For Sale by Owner sign that was laying on the porch.  It had a phone number to send a text to.  I sent one just in case maybe they gave up and took it off the market.  I’ll try calling voice if I don’t get a response.

I’m not holding my breath though.  It’s probably gone.

I’m disappointed but strangely not despondent…yet.  I’m surprised.  I spent the last two weeks braining about it and dreaming. My life was about to change for the better. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that someone else bought it.  I told you there were too many people on this planet.  I should have acted faster.  I had planned to get quick about it after meeting the realtor there this weekend.  I was ready to make an offer and buy.

The lazy side of me who is afraid of change is relieved.
The desperate side of me who wants to Live is disappointed.
Maybe the two cancel each other out.

Like I said before, this property was 80% like what I wanted.  Something like that doesn’t come along very often and I missed it.  I’ll keep on the lookout but I think I’m screwed for quite some time.

Maybe it hasn’t really sunk in yet.  I’ll probably cry later.

UPDATE:  I heard back from the owner.  The house is still available.  YAY!  Maybe it is meant to be.  If it has disappeared from the market but still available then that may limit the competition.

UPDATE2: I met a realtor there at the house today to get his thoughts.  He had a few for sure.  First… The house is a dump.  I knew that but my eyes were clouded.  His main concern was the foundation which still looks sturdy to me.  It is composed of cedar posts in cement.  They look and feel perfectly fine and they may be but if I was to turn the turd house into a diamond, it would still be on a questionable foundation should I ever sell it in the future.  I can see where he is coming from.

He recommended trying to get the property for the value of the land only and demolish the house then start fresh.  I like the property even though it is a few more acres than I need.  The place has been on the market for a long time and I can see why.  It is certainly not worth $100K.  The land only is valued at around $70K.   I’m at a loss as to what to do.

I think I’m going to put it on the back burner for a while and see what happens.  I’ll still consider seeing if I can get it for maybe 60-70K and still attempt a fix-up.  Maybe do the demolition and start new.  I don’t know.  I guess I don’t have to rush on this.  It is unlikely to be sold anytime soon.

The realtor knows what I am looking for and is going to see if he can find anything special for me.  In the meantime, I’ll let it go for now.  Sometimes if you let something go and it comes back then it was meant to be.  No rush I guess.

 

 

 

A new plane of existence

plnofxnc.jpgLately I have a feeling that I am different.  It’s almost like I’ve moved to new plane of existence.  I’m not sure it’s a good thing though.

Maybe it is good.  I guess it depends upon your point of view.  Perhaps it is just the winter chill-out I usually experience each year but I feel no desire or need to be around other people.  The desire for a friend has been the bane of my existence for many decades now and right now, it’s the last thing I want.

I feel satisfied to be alone with my plans and plots. So many fun things to do when you are not burdened by the demands of others.  I get a holiday next Monday for MLK and I sure hope nobody tries to spoil it by sending me the dreaded question, “What are you doing on Monday?”  Especially because what that question really means is, “Will you give up your holiday to fix some shit for me?”  Thank you.  No.

I really have no desire to be around people. They just have nothing at all to offer.  In fact the more I look at them, the more disgusted I become.  I’m not saying that I’m above them because I look at myself and the whole process of being human disgusts me just as much.  It’s much better if you don’t think about it.

Anyway.  I am home from work and in my Fortress of Solitude and I love it so much.  I never want to leave the house again.  It’s a beautiful feeling to be where you’re supposed to be and not be required to do anything for anyone or be something you don’t want to be.  Thank you very much.

This blog entry brought to you by the word, “Much.”  A word which the more you look at it, the funnier it gets.

 

What to do?

mynwhseI’ve been mulling the idea of buying the aforementioned house in the woods.  I’ve been both ways and back and fourth on the issue many times.  It’s still early and I plan to think on it more but here’s the brain-facts so far.

The price is good and I think I can get it even better.  They list it for 99K but mention “Bring all offers.”  I might try offering $75 due to it’s poor condition.  I shouldn’t wait too long though because special things tend to disappear if you don’t act quickly.  This seems special to me though not for everyone.

Assuming I sell my investment portfolio and buy it what would be the plan?

I wouldn’t move right away because that would mean quitting my well-paying job and losing my healthcare which I currently need.  I’m hoping to see what becomes of TrumpCare before I know for sure.  I would probably just hold on to it for 1-3 years before moving.  That would give me time to fix it up a bit and make it habitable.  Property taxes would cost me $2500 a year.  I would have a place to visit and enjoy away from the city that is MINE!  Once it is habitable, I could start looking for a new job in the area.  Something always comes up eventually if you wait.  There’s always something available for a special person like me.

Money spent on buying land or a house is never “lost”.  Just transformed.  If my retirement plan doesn’t go as expected, I can always sell it and get the money back plus more because it will be in better shape than when I bought it and property always goes up.  Even during the recent depression you did not find any property cheap as you would have expected.

I don’t really see how I could lose on this deal.  My investment portfolio wasn’t doing anything anyway.  Even in an up economy over the last few years I ended up down at least 10K.  That won’t happen with property.  I still have plenty left in my retirement portfolio and other investments that are doing rather well.  Even after all expenses, my net worth was up $36k last year.

I think I’ll think for a few more days and get more serious next week. I didn’t hear back from the realtor so I think I’ll find a different one who is more local to the area and see if I can meet him/her there for another look-see and get their impression on the deal.

Once the deal is done, There’s no rush to move or do anything. (After a new roof is installed to protect the remaining salvageable interior.)  I can take my time and have a feeling that my dream is actually within reach.  That would be a wonderful feeling indeed.  Certainly worth the price.  What do you think?

 

 

 

My Future House In The Woods?

mynwhse
Actual picture of the house.

This weekend I hit the road to look at some houses and land in a small town.  Something my broken heart yearns for. I had a number of potential candidates printed out so I spent the day on the road.

The first house I looked at was the best match with what I am looking for.  It is a partially dilapidated, home-built, country house located on 6.8 wooded acres of land about 15 miles away from my small town of choice.  I usually do my house shopping on my own first before contacting a realtor because I don’t want to waste his/her time with my window shopping.

Looking into an open window showed that the house was empty and surprisingly did not smell exceptionally horrible as I expected.  A little pet urine but nothing really nasty.  The front door was locked and had a sticker on it with words about tress-passers being shot.  A little scary but there was nobody there.  I walked around the outside to the back where I found a large step past a missing deck to the back screened patio door which was not so much a door as a piece of highly worn plywood.  The screened porch area contained a nasty washer and dryer.  I was surprised to find the back door not locked and hanging open.  “Come on in.”  it said.

The house is only 1000 square feet consisting of a large living room, good sized kitchen, big enough bathroom and a good sized bedroom with a strange office/2nd bedroom just of the first bedroom.  I would use it as an office.

The metal roof has been leaking in a few places and the ceiling had collapsed.  Not too bad though.  The structure looks good and a new roof and drywall work will fix it right up.  The floor is a mess.  A hodgepodge of mixed media from nasty carpet to bare sub-floor.  Not a big deal.  I can do flooring.  The hot water heater seems to have sprung a major leak at one time.  It was located in a small box in the bedroom closet.  Due to the leak, there is mold on the closet walls.  I can fix that.  The leak must have been large or went on for a while because some of the dirt under the house in that area had been eroded by the flow to about 6 inches deep.  It doesn’t seem to have compromised the pier foundations.  That’s good.

The bathroom was pretty messed up.  A large but fancy tub was rigged with an electric on-demand water heater sitting on the sink plumbed through a gaping hole in the drywall.  I guess the water heater was gone for a while, while people still lived there.  They tried to make do but were obviously not plumbers.  It looked bad but nothing I couldn’t fix.  I would replace the tub with a walk in shower and replace the sink and toilet and put down new tile.

The kitchen was also a mess.  The old cabinets would have to go.  I would get rid of the bar and move the sink from the wall to look out the window.   After a remodel it would make a nice sized kitchen that would suit me well.  There was the 4 foot square hole in the ceiling where the leak was.  Parts of the drywall was falling where the seams were.  I would replace it all anyway.

The living room is not in bad shape.  Replace the old carpet, remodel the fireplace wall a bit to remove some built in bookcases and paint would be sufficient.  A large sliding glass door leading out to the missing deck would be replaced with a nice french door and a new deck and stairs.

I was a little surprised to see that there was no air conditioning or heating system in the house.  I don’t know how anyone can live like that.  I would put in two high efficiency Mitsubishi split heat pump systems.  One in the living room and one in the bedroom.

The exterior is not high quality but in decent shape.  I would probably replace it with cement board siding anyway.

The house is set back maybe around 100 feet from the road and completely not visible from the outside except to passers by the driveway entrance.  The driveway leads through the brush offering nice privacy so I can run around naked at all times.  The tall pine trees are alien to me and were scary.  I like them though.  It’s one of the things I like about the area.

I braved a walk through the brush and fallen trees toward the back of the property which is the largest area.  About halfway I found a seasonal stream that would run when it rains.  On the other side, more forest.  I didn’t go any further.  Satellite images show that it is rather thick.  If I cleared out the underbrush in the middle it would be pretty cool.  I would build a bridge over the stream.

Back at the house I found a outdoor shower and a decent sided shed that would make a good workshop and tool storage building.  I might put in a larger one.  An old MG convertible car sat low on the ground.  I wonder if that is included.  It is probably not easily revive-able but I might give it a shot.

The place needs a LOT of work but it is actually around 80% what I am looking for.   The other land and houses I’ve looked at over the last few years have been in the 5% or less range so 80% might be a keeper.  I like the fact that it needs remodeling because that will give me something fun to do.

Now I have to decide whether I am man enough change my life like I want to.  I could easily move and take a year or two off to remodel then look for a job in the town.  Maybe I could get into something completely different than computers like house inspecting or real estate.  I wonder what is involved in getting started in that?  It would be nice to work on my own schedule for my remaining years.

I would only be 1.5 hours away from my mom so I would not feel so bad about leaving her like I would if I moved to Colorado.  Technically, this plan is a go.  Mentally…not sure yet.  I’m sleeping on the idea for a while before I do anything rash.

The asking price is $99,000.  More than I think it is worth in that condition but I might try to see if they will accept $75,000.  If they sell for 75-80 I would feel OK with the deal.  I have 89K in my extra money investment portfolio so I could pay cash for the house and skip the mortgage.

I could sell my current house for $140K or rent it out for a few years and make $1100 a month off of it.  Sell later.  Maybe.  It would be nice to have the income if I wasn’t working.  It would at least pay my Obamacare bill plus more.

I wrote to the realtor on the sign but he hasn’t responded.  If I don’t hear from him in a few days, I’ll try a different realtor.  He isn’t even local to the town for some reason. I would rather deal with a local anyway.

I’m taking it slowly.  In the shape that it is in, I don’t think there will be too many buyers right away.  It has been on the market for around 160 days as is.  Maybe that will help me get a good price.

The more I think about it, the more I like the whole idea.  We’ll see.