I am falling down and need help getting back up. I don’t have anyone to help me so I’m going to have to do it myself somehow. Perhaps like they say, Just admitting that you have a problem means that you are not too far gone.
It’s only Monday and I spent it staring at my computer screen all day at work. I tried to read to pass the time between a sparse number of help desk calls but reading was difficult. My eyes would not lock onto the words in order. They skipped around reading random words and making no sense. My mind was preoccupied and there was no stopping it because the subject is of utmost importance.
I’m tired. I’m deathly tired. I don’t want to work any longer. 30 years of getting up early and spending the day doing nothing important to myself is more than anyone should have to bear. Technically I have 11 more years before I reach the age of retirement. There’s no way in hell I’m going to last 11 days much less 11 years.
I was ready to stop around two years ago when I took my 10 month sabbatical. That was before my near heart attack. I was immortal. Now I’m mortal and need health insurance. How can I stop working? I’m trapped like all the other humans. I am REALLY hoping Donald Trump can put together a health care system that I can afford without having to work my ass off. I really wish we had universal health care like Canada and Britain.
I still have a plan to move out of the horrible city to a small town. It is doable but I’m having a hell of a time finding land. I know. Patience you must have. I have it but I’m running out quickly.
In the meantime I’m in a bad place mentally and I need to fix it right now. I’ve successfully changed my attitude on a dime in the past so I’m hoping I can do it again tonight. I’m going to go out and sit in the hot tub and see if I can work it out. Wish me luck or pray for me. I’ll take anything at this point.
You know. If I had a proper friend who made me smile, things would be completely different.
A Little later…
It worked! Thank you for your well wishes. I’m sure that helped in some way.
I sat in the hot tub out in the darkness of the back yard and discussed it with myself. Eventually I came to a conclusion that even though I am not getting what I need out of life in a timely manner, I can at least have one thing. Hope.
I used to laugh at people who said they have “Hope” because I didn’t understand what it meant. Yeah I know what the word means but what does Hope really represent?
Hope it what we have inside that says that things will work out eventually. I still have time and the things I need are within reach. I’ve already made the commitment to the idea now I just have to allow it to happen. The things I need in life eventually come to me. I just have to know how to recognize them when they present themselves. Recognizing them is not always easy. They often slip by and it isn’t until later that I realize that they got away from me.
Tomorrow I’m going to go to work with a good attitude and I’m going to continue studying to take my Windows 10 MCSA exam. They are going to pay for me to also go to training for Microsoft Exchange sometime very soon. I’m going to take advantage of it and get my Exchange certification. With those two certifications and my 30 years of experience, when the time comes and I move to my happy place, I should have no problem getting the kind of job I need and want.
I feel much better now. See. That’s how you change your attitude. It’s really all in your head. Remember the Hope. Nobody can take it away from you. Not even yourself.