The thought may be better than the real thing

For the last 40 years I’ve been pining for a good friend but I wonder if it is nothing more than a fantasy.  Each time I’ve tried I am always disappointed.

Today I placed an ad on Craigslist laying out my interests and asking for someone similar.  I got a nice response from a girl who was very literate and interested in many of the things I like.  A strange thing happened as I was reading her response.  I thought, “She sounds like a perfect friend.” but then I thought, “but I don’t need her.”  WTF?

I scrolled down and saw some pictures she had included.  She is a very pretty girl but I realized that I’m not attracted to humans.  I’m more attracted to my fantasy than actual reality.  Does that make any sense?   There’s no getting around the fact that humans gross me out no matter how good they look.  That’s pretty messed up, right?  I don’t know.

(This is not coming out as profoundly as it sounded in my head.)

To break it down, I’m trying to say that I don’t really want another person around me and I wonder if this is true or just something I’m telling myself in attempt to make it make sense.  Still not what I’m trying to say.

I’m trying to say that my desire is false and I need to let it go and stop beating myself up.  I am hereby setting myself free.  I think.

 

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