Trapped!!

trpdcgeHelp!  I’m trapped in the cage of life!

I’m stuck in a meaningless existence waiting for someone to free me. I rattle the bars but nobody can hear me.  Nobody cares.  They like me to be in this cage where I can work for them and always be there for them.  They don’t want to see me free and happy.

I’m working a pointless, dead-end job again because I have nowhere else to go.  I would quit and just stay home all day but that’s not what I want either.  Not in my current suburban wasteland house anyway.

Until I can find some land in the country I remain in my cage.   Waiting… Waiting…  Wishing… Crying…

People who read this blog regularly know me as singing this same song over and over. Unfortunately it’s all I have to sing.  Now I know why the caged bird sings.  It sings of hope and freedom.  It sings of companionship and purpose. It sings of love and life.

Does anybody care?  Anyone at all?

 

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Smart Meter Installed. Booooooo!

I came home from work today to find that the dreaded Smart Meter has been installed.  I was kind of surprised to see that they hadn’t cut my power because they can now see that I have solar panels feeding power back into the grid.

Now it’s just a matter of time before I get a call or letter asking why they are detecting reverse current at my meter.   My choices will be to turn off the solar system that I spent a lot of time and money on or spend unknown mass quantities of money to have it made official.  Neither one will make me very happy.

I guess now we just wait and see what happens.  What is my punishment for going solar?  Stay tuned and we’ll see how this pans out.

 

 

A hawk gave me one of his feathers.

The other day I went out for my occasional walk around the neighborhood to get some exercise.  As I was coming up my street, a hawk swooped down in front of me.  He looked at me then flew away leaving behind a large feather.  I picked it up because you don’t say no to a gift from a hawk.  It was still warm from his body.

This is a special thing.  I’m a tiny part Native American so it is even more special to me.  I wish I knew more about it but there’s not a lot of specific info in our family history.  My ancestors lived up north around Michigan so I’m thinking maybe Blackfoot.

According to Native American culture, a feather from a hawk symbolizes guardianship, strength and farsightedness. When a feather falls to earth, the Native Americans believe it carries all of the energy of its former attachment on a bird to a living being. Feathers are perceived as gifts from the sky, the sea and the trees. Feathers arrive unexpectedly, but not without purpose.

I accept this gift from my Hawk Spirit Guardian.  I will feel it’s energy and keep it forever as a reminder that someone is watching out for me from above.  I will never walk alone again.

 

 

Ignoring the Creator

After work today I had to stop at Home Depot to pick up a some hinges and a latch to finish building the new door for the opening under my mom’s house.  The old one was falling apart.  Not bad though for lasting 70 years.

As I walked down the aisles I looked into the faces of the passers by who ignored me completely.  It made me wonder if they had any idea that they were walking right by the Dreamer of the universe that they live in.  Maybe it is best that they don’t know I am the Creator.  Can you imagine what a pain it would be if everyone knew?  I’d have to sign autographs everywhere I went.

Maybe it’s best to stay anonymous.

 

 

I am my own worst enemy

After spending the last two days wallowing in the mud pit of depression I went to bed having given up on everything.  This morning, as with most mornings, I awoke refreshed and feeling good.

If you are ever depressed or hurting in any way, I highly recommend a nice shower and sleep.  There’s something about a good shower that seems to wash away more than just dirt.  That, followed by a nice long night of sleep, helps you forget your pain.

It’s not new to me but I seem to keep forgetting that I am my own worst enemy.  If I could just leave myself alone I would be perfectly happy.  A long time ago,  I named my evil twin, Malus.  He’s a real bastard somebitch who’s entire being is to follow me around and insult me.  He tells me horrible things and I usually end up believing him because I have nobody else to tell me otherwise.  Every once in a while I can lose him but he knows where I live so it’s never a permanent solution.

This week I’m going to do my best to push him away and not let him get to me.  I really want to feel good about myself.  I really need it.  I hope it’s not too late.

 

Can I just give up?

I think I’m done.  I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore.  The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.

Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed.  The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.

That was straw the broke the camel’s back.  I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation.  I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying.  Not just looking for land but everything else.  How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy.  It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.

The struggling itself is overwhelming now.  I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying.  What if I just give up on having a friend.  Give up on retiring to the country.  Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for.  Other people have done it.  Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me.  Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed?  Is that good enough?  I’m going to have to learn to like beer.  I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need.  Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?

At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate.  If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen.  I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet.  I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.

I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland.  Beer and TV.  That’s all we need, right?  Then let it be so.  Fuck everything else.

 

Coming to a complete standstill

This evening was our Community Band Movie Night concert.  We play for about an hour before it gets dark enough to start the movie.  It has become a popular event.

I’ve been feeling down all day and even called in sick because I couldn’t stand another day at work this week.  I mostly sat around and watched TV and movies.  I really needed the rest, both physically and mentally.  The boss wasn’t happy but neither was I.

After the concert I stopped by the grocery store for a few things.  I was hoping the concert would pick me up but it didn’t help much.  I was still feeling depressed.  I don’t know exactly why.  I slowly trudged through the aisles in a partial fog trying to get the things I needed.  At one point I slowed down and came to a complete stop in the middle of an aisle.  I just stood there staring into nothingness.  I could have curled up into a ball on the floor and cried.  I could have spent hours standing there like a statue but didn’t want to freak people out so I forced myself back into motion.

I wish I knew exactly what my problem is.  I think it is a combination of many things that has, over the years, become a fog.  I can no longer pick out anything in particular that I can come up with a solution to.  I think it is a combination of the following solution-less issues:

  1. Loneliness
  2. Emptiness
  3. Pointlessness
  4. Futurelessness
  5. Tiredness

They are all things that I can do nothing about so I try to ignore them.  I know that bottling them up and putting them on the shelf in the back of the freezer is not a solution but it’s all I can do.  I wish somebody would help me.  I could really use a nice long hug right now.