I think I’m done. I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore. The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.
Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed. The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.
That was straw the broke the camel’s back. I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation. I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying. Not just looking for land but everything else. How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy. It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.
The struggling itself is overwhelming now. I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying. What if I just give up on having a friend. Give up on retiring to the country. Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for. Other people have done it. Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me. Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed? Is that good enough? I’m going to have to learn to like beer. I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need. Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?
At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate. If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen. I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet. I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.
I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland. Beer and TV. That’s all we need, right? Then let it be so. Fuck everything else.