A hawk gave me one of his feathers.

The other day I went out for my occasional walk around the neighborhood to get some exercise.  As I was coming up my street, a hawk swooped down in front of me.  He looked at me then flew away leaving behind a large feather.  I picked it up because you don’t say no to a gift from a hawk.  It was still warm from his body.

This is a special thing.  I’m a tiny part Native American so it is even more special to me.  I wish I knew more about it but there’s not a lot of specific info in our family history.  My ancestors lived up north around Michigan so I’m thinking maybe Blackfoot.

According to Native American culture, a feather from a hawk symbolizes guardianship, strength and farsightedness. When a feather falls to earth, the Native Americans believe it carries all of the energy of its former attachment on a bird to a living being. Feathers are perceived as gifts from the sky, the sea and the trees. Feathers arrive unexpectedly, but not without purpose.

I accept this gift from my Hawk Spirit Guardian.  I will feel it’s energy and keep it forever as a reminder that someone is watching out for me from above.  I will never walk alone again.

 

 

Ignoring the Creator

After work today I had to stop at Home Depot to pick up a some hinges and a latch to finish building the new door for the opening under my mom’s house.  The old one was falling apart.  Not bad though for lasting 70 years.

As I walked down the aisles I looked into the faces of the passers by who ignored me completely.  It made me wonder if they had any idea that they were walking right by the Dreamer of the universe that they live in.  Maybe it is best that they don’t know I am the Creator.  Can you imagine what a pain it would be if everyone knew?  I’d have to sign autographs everywhere I went.

Maybe it’s best to stay anonymous.

 

 

I am my own worst enemy

After spending the last two days wallowing in the mud pit of depression I went to bed having given up on everything.  This morning, as with most mornings, I awoke refreshed and feeling good.

If you are ever depressed or hurting in any way, I highly recommend a nice shower and sleep.  There’s something about a good shower that seems to wash away more than just dirt.  That, followed by a nice long night of sleep, helps you forget your pain.

It’s not new to me but I seem to keep forgetting that I am my own worst enemy.  If I could just leave myself alone I would be perfectly happy.  A long time ago,  I named my evil twin, Malus.  He’s a real bastard somebitch who’s entire being is to follow me around and insult me.  He tells me horrible things and I usually end up believing him because I have nobody else to tell me otherwise.  Every once in a while I can lose him but he knows where I live so it’s never a permanent solution.

This week I’m going to do my best to push him away and not let him get to me.  I really want to feel good about myself.  I really need it.  I hope it’s not too late.

 

Can I just give up?

I think I’m done.  I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore.  The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.

Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed.  The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.

That was straw the broke the camel’s back.  I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation.  I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying.  Not just looking for land but everything else.  How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy.  It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.

The struggling itself is overwhelming now.  I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying.  What if I just give up on having a friend.  Give up on retiring to the country.  Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for.  Other people have done it.  Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me.  Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed?  Is that good enough?  I’m going to have to learn to like beer.  I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need.  Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?

At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate.  If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen.  I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet.  I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.

I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland.  Beer and TV.  That’s all we need, right?  Then let it be so.  Fuck everything else.

 

Coming to a complete standstill

This evening was our Community Band Movie Night concert.  We play for about an hour before it gets dark enough to start the movie.  It has become a popular event.

I’ve been feeling down all day and even called in sick because I couldn’t stand another day at work this week.  I mostly sat around and watched TV and movies.  I really needed the rest, both physically and mentally.  The boss wasn’t happy but neither was I.

After the concert I stopped by the grocery store for a few things.  I was hoping the concert would pick me up but it didn’t help much.  I was still feeling depressed.  I don’t know exactly why.  I slowly trudged through the aisles in a partial fog trying to get the things I needed.  At one point I slowed down and came to a complete stop in the middle of an aisle.  I just stood there staring into nothingness.  I could have curled up into a ball on the floor and cried.  I could have spent hours standing there like a statue but didn’t want to freak people out so I forced myself back into motion.

I wish I knew exactly what my problem is.  I think it is a combination of many things that has, over the years, become a fog.  I can no longer pick out anything in particular that I can come up with a solution to.  I think it is a combination of the following solution-less issues:

  1. Loneliness
  2. Emptiness
  3. Pointlessness
  4. Futurelessness
  5. Tiredness

They are all things that I can do nothing about so I try to ignore them.  I know that bottling them up and putting them on the shelf in the back of the freezer is not a solution but it’s all I can do.  I wish somebody would help me.  I could really use a nice long hug right now.

 

Quick Book Review – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

hpssWell, hardly a review since Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone is a book that needs no review.  Anyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows Harry Potter.  Strange, though, how many rock dwellers I’ve met.  People who haven’t seen the movies or read the books perplex me on how they could exist without having partaken of the world of Harry Potter.  I weep for them but am also jealous because they get to read/watch it for the first time.  How exciting!

I guess I haven’t read the book since it was first published in 1997 (Has it really been that long?) because now that I am reading it I almost don’t remember all the extra stuff that wasn’t covered in the movie.   It’s kind of like reading it for the first time.

I also decided to read it again because I just can’t seem to find any books that can keep my interest long enough to enjoy and finish them.  The HP series is always an incredible page turner.  I look forward to reading it rather then wishing it was over.  After all, it was the book that taught the world to read again.  The world sure could use another one of those right now.

Surely you don’t need me to tell you the premise about a boy who finds out he is a wizard and is swept away from his abusive aunt and uncle to a world of wonder where he battles ultimate evil with the help of his friends.  It should strike a nerve for all of us who are doomed to live a mundane life in our mundane jobs and mundane houses with no friends or future.  It’s the ultimate escape if nothing else.

I’ve you’ve never read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, then get out from under your rock and do it now.  Seriously!  What’s wrong with you?

 

National Rest Week

rstI don’t know about you but I’m tired.  REALLY tired.

What do you say we declare the third week in June to be National Rest Week?  All stores, restaurants and businesses of any kind must remain closed all week long so people can just stay home and get some desperately deserved rest.