I went back and forth with myself on whether to write about this but I need to tell someone. It’s not good to keep things totally bottled up inside. Even if I don’t have anyone to talk to, it helps to blog it and let it out.
I had my three-year review today at work. I didn’t expect it to be good due to the recent bad-blood between my boss and I. We clashed a bit over the last few months as I was feeling overwhelmed and he just kept piling it on. We had a little chat last week and have pretty much ironed it out. It was too late for my review though. He had already submitted it last month.
I expected him to be somewhat vindictive and I wasn’t disappointed. He nitpicked everything and blew it all out of proportion. I did still get a raise due to the calculative manner of the review procedure. It was 2.5% which is not all that bad. I don’t really care about the money. Had I got no raise it would not have mattered much. I don’t need more money. What DID matter was the bruising of my ego and damage to my self-esteem.
I work my ass off every day. I go from one thing to the next and don’t even take a break. I feel guilty about going to lunch. At the end of the day, I’m completely worn out mentally and physically. It was painful to see that it was mostly in vain.
What hurts most is that I take pride in my work. I work efficiently. I work with the user’s needs in mind. When I am told that I’m not doing a good job it really bothers me because I know that I AM doing a good job. A better job than most people would do in my position. Being constantly overwhelmed makes doing the perfect job virtually impossible. I am doing the best anyone can do in this environment. It’s kind of the feeling you get when your dad is disappointed with you even though you’ve done the very best you can and thought you had succeeded. He only sees the failure.
The boss did indicate that he was sorry about what he had written and it was too late to make any changes. I understood and don’t hold it completely against him. It’s human nature. Still, there’s mental damage deep down. I’m sure I can overcome it with time. Time heals all wounds as they say. Such has been proven time and time again in my experience. Sleep can do wonders as well. I took a little ZZZQuil to help me drift off tonight. We’ll see how much better I feel in the morning. Each day is Groundhog Day anyway. I put my review at the bottom of a stack of papers in my computer room.
Self-Esteem has always been a problem issue with me. I should be used to it. A regular person might cry or go into deep depression or perhaps rage. Other than an annoying buzz of sadness, I don’t feel any outrageous reaction. I’m an adult now, technically, anyway.
So what am I to do next? I only have 10 months left before I semi-retire so switching jobs seems overkill. It’s not all that bad I guess. As always, it could be worse. I think I’ll just do my best to shrug it off and put on a happy face.
Like I said, I don’t hold it against my boss. I’m open to the fresh start we are already experiencing. I might work a little less hard and cut out the unnecessary duties. Take a break each day and reduce the stress a bit. I think a good plan would be to “Work smarter, not harder.” I’m not a Machiavellian planner. That takes too much energy and thought. I just want to do a good job and lean toward feeling positive about going to work each day. There’s not a lot of mental reward where I work. I’ve done my best to hand out compliments to those who deserve them. It’s better to give than receive anyway.
Boy I’m full of proverbs today. Strangely enough, they are apt.
I feel better. Thank you for letting me tell you about my petty, first-world problems. It really does help to let them out.