There are always those moments after you do something big and bold when you ask yourself, “Oh God. What have I done?”
I was out at my new property Saturday after mowing all day. I built a small campfire before spending the night in my RV. I sat in a folding lawn chair as I listened to the din of a million crickets and looked up at the stars. I stared at the fire and thought to myself, “What have I done?”
I’ve bitten off the biggest chunk a person can bite off. Or one of the biggest, I think, next to marriage. I bought land in the country and started building a house all by myself. I’m throwing away 50 years of lifebuilding to start a whole new life. All by myself. There’s something about sitting in total darkness in an empty field with nothing but a small fire to keep you company to make you feel alone.
Loneliness is not something new to me. I’ve spent at least 30 of my 50 years in dire loneliness. Most of it at crippling levels. Before that I was a child so being lonely is pretty much all I’ve ever known. Never had a close friend. Never had a girlfriend. Just me. Only me. Ok. I’ve had two cats and some fish over the years. I don’t think that counts.
Of course, moving out to the country won’t make me more or less lonely. I was lonely in the city, I’ll be lonely in the country. No point worrying about that being different.
My concern may be that doing something as major as this all by yourself is an exercise in craziness. It’s not like I have any options though. My life goal has been to live in the country. I almost died of heart disease a few years ago without reaching that goal. I had best get my ass in gear if I expect it to ever happen.
I don’t really feel like what I am doing is wrong. Perhaps it is just the fact that it is so radical. Change is always a scary thing. People move all the time. 20 years in the same house is certainly long enough, right? I’m not doing anything that people haven’t been doing since the dawn of time.
Maybe the scariest part is quitting my job. I have to quit if I’m going to have time to build a house. There’s no way a person can work full time and still have any to spare in order to build a house. I have to concentrate on it with all my attention in order to get at least the framing and exterior complete by the summer meltdown.
Financially, I don’t need to work full time anymore. My savings afford me a life of basic leisure which I may just take advantage of. I do have that strange feeling that, even though I hate working with a purple passion, work defines you. It’s a stupid notion that may either be a standard due to the way life works or maybe some kind of government mind control caused by fluoride in the water. I know it is stupid but there it is. Some people retire and shortly thereafter, die of boredom. Boredom has never been an issue for me. I can always find something awesome to do.
I still have at least 10 years of work-life in me since most people don’t actually retire until they are like 63. Still, that doesn’t sound right to me either. The thought of working for 13 more years is more like a death sentence.
I think that maybe after 1-2 years of building and resting, I may want to re-enter the job market. Part time. 20 hours a week would be more than adequate for some extra spending money without monopolizing my remaining life. I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities for an amazing guy who can do anything. Something fun and non-stressful.
I might try working for myself as a Country Computer Doctor. I’ll make house calls. Get me an old doctor bag and a stethoscope. (You really can use that on a computer to listen for strange sounds from the hard drive or fans.)
I would enjoy being an electricians helper. An electrician usually works alone but an electrician’s helper will always have an electrician to keep him company. I like that.
My first job was in an office supply store. I still have dreams about it. I could go back to that. Work in the computer repair area or the print shop. They have part time positions.
I might like to work in a small computer repair shop. Always thought that would be neat.
Maybe the local golf course needs a groundskeeper.
The possibilities are endless. I shouldn’t worry about that. Later. It will take me plenty of time to get my house and land in order. I might do something different every year.
I might finally have the time to meet someone. It would be wonderful to have someone to visit me at my new place. Someone to hot tub with on a cold night. Someone to cook with, watch movies and go traveling. Who knows. Perhaps the primary reason I’ve chosen a solitary life is to be able to afford an early retirement in a self-built house out in the country. Now that that is actually happening, maybe I can look into what I’ve missed out on.
Wouldn’t that be wonderful? I’m hoping that people who live in small towns are more friendly than those in the big city. Maybe I won’t be invisible anymore. Maybe someone will be able to see me and say, “Wow. Check out that single guy over there!”
Let’s not over do it. Invisibility is a powerful thing. I sure hope the spell will be broken. The witch who cursed me when I was a child didn’t say if there was a way to break it. We’ll see.
So. I feel better now. It was good to get it all out again. Much of this may be a repeat but the mind is repetitive. It’s good to dump it out once in a while to keep it from overflowing.