Dangerous attitude settling in

I need an attitude adjustment and I need it very soon.  Like NOW!

I am falling down and need help getting back up.  I don’t have anyone to help me so I’m going to have to do it myself somehow.  Perhaps like they say, Just admitting that you have a problem means that you are not too far gone.

It’s only Monday and I spent it staring at my computer screen all day at work.  I tried to read to pass the time between a sparse number of help desk calls but reading was difficult.  My eyes would not lock onto the words in order.  They skipped around reading random words and making no sense.  My mind was preoccupied and there was no stopping it because the subject is of utmost importance.

I’m tired.  I’m deathly tired.  I don’t want to work any longer.  30 years of getting up early and spending the day doing nothing important to myself is more than anyone should have to bear.  Technically I have 11 more years before I reach the age of retirement.  There’s no way in hell I’m going to last 11 days much less 11 years.

I was ready to stop around two years ago when I took my 10 month sabbatical.  That was before my near heart attack.  I was immortal.  Now I’m mortal and need health insurance.  How can I stop working?  I’m trapped like all the other humans.  I am REALLY hoping Donald Trump can put together a health care system that I can afford without having to work my ass off.  I really wish we had universal health care like Canada and Britain.

I still have a plan to move out of the horrible city to a small town.  It is doable but I’m having a hell of a time finding land.  I know.  Patience you must have.  I have it but I’m running out quickly.

In the meantime I’m in a bad place mentally and I need to fix it right now.  I’ve successfully changed my attitude on a dime in the past so I’m hoping I can do it again tonight.  I’m going to go out and sit in the hot tub and see if I can work it out.  Wish me luck or pray for me.  I’ll take anything at this point.

You know.  If I had a proper friend who made me smile, things would be completely different.

A Little later…

It worked!  Thank you for your well wishes.  I’m sure that helped in some way.
I sat in the hot tub out in the darkness of the back yard and discussed it with myself.  Eventually I came to a conclusion that even though I am not getting what I need out of life in a timely manner, I can at least have one thing.  Hope.

I used to laugh at people who said they have “Hope” because I didn’t understand what it meant.  Yeah I know what the word means but what does Hope really represent?

Hope it what we have inside that says that things will work out eventually.  I still have time and the things I need are within reach.  I’ve already made the commitment to the idea now I just have to allow it to happen.  The things I need in life eventually come to me.  I just have to know how to recognize them when they present themselves.  Recognizing them is not always easy.  They often slip by and it isn’t until later that I realize that they got away from me.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to work with a good attitude and I’m going to continue studying to take my Windows 10 MCSA exam.   They are going to pay for me to also go to training for Microsoft Exchange sometime very soon.  I’m going to take advantage of it and get my Exchange certification.  With those two certifications and my 30 years of experience, when the time comes and I move to my happy place, I should have no problem getting the kind of job I need and want.

I feel much better now.  See. That’s how you change your attitude.  It’s really all in your head.  Remember the Hope.  Nobody can take it away from you.  Not even yourself.




Please help me

hlpmplzI am so depressed right now.

I know its only temporary but it would be so nice to have someone to talk to.  I’m sitting here alone at work waiting for time to pass.  I can’t concentrate on reading my book or doing anything.  I keep typing the words “Help me” into Google hoping that a miracle will happen.

Why is it so difficult to find people?  Where are they?

I just need to get home and get away from the world.  Some TV and Sleep is often the best medicine for depression.  There has to be a better way.


To try or not to try

dcsndcI’ve spent 40 some odd years being lonely and no matter how hard I try to get used to it, I just can’t let it go.

I wrote a nice Craigslist ad to see if I can find myself a good female friend.  I wrote a long description of myself, the things I like and what I am looking for.

I’m pretty sure that even if I post it, it is unlikely that I will get any realistic response here in San Antonio.  The people here just aren’t the right kind of people for me.  Either way, part of me wants to try but the other part says, “Don’t do it, Dumbass!”

First of all, All I want is a friend.  I’m not looking for a romantic situation.  A little sex, yes, but not love or marriage.  That’s not for me.

Second of all, I want to leave San Antonio eventually.  Maybe soon even.  Maybe never. I don’t know what the hell to plan for.  It’s kind of a limbo situation until my mom passes away which could be soon or over 10 years from now.  What am I supposed to do?

Logic tells me to try because having someone to make the world better could just change everything.  It also tells me that dabbling in social interaction never turns out in a good way.  I’ve always been sorry for trying.

I’m rather fond of being by myself.  Mostly because being around people who don’t share my interests hurts more than dental work.  ;

My ad is pretty specific about certain things that are sure to weed out commoners right away. That might be helpful in minimizing the pain of the attempt.

So right now I’m leaning toward giving it a shot.  My plan is to post it near the beginning of January to start the year off.  If I get no response then nothing lost nothing gained.  If I get a good response then I guess I’ll deal with it as things happen.

Not Doing Weekends Right

hrnyI keep doing the same thing every weekend.  I spend all week looking forward to getting some rest and taking care of stuff.  Instead I spend the whole weekend being horny and struggling with loneliness anxiety.  I often end up searching Craigslist personals in vain. Everyone on Craigslist is crazy. Finally I look at porn until I rub one out. By then a whole day is wasted.

By the end of the weekend I’m more tired than a day at work.  Desperately pining about stupid things really takes a lot of energy.  Really sucks.  I wonder what the trick is to make it go away.  Maybe an early morning masturbation session will do the trick.  I think I will try that out next Saturday.

Heart Stent

stntI told you something was wrong and I was right on target with my amateur diagnosis.  I was feeling like a heart attack was in my near future so I decided to drive to the hospital.  As I drove just a few blocks I started feeling really unpleasant.  I pulled into the neighborhood fire station and went in feeling like I was having an heart attack.  They checked me out and drove me to the hospital.  Siren and everything.

They wheeled me into the emergency room and directly to the Cath Lab.  I guess this is a regular thing around there.  I watched live on the monitors as they fed a catheter up a small incision in my groinal region up the artery to my heart where they inject some dye and look for blocked arteries with an x-ray machine.  There was one that was pretty bad so they did the balloon angioplasty followed by three stents to prop open a long section of a cardiac artery.  It went smoothly and they even discharged me directly from the ICU rather than keeping me a second day.  Other than a rather sore groinal region, I feel pretty much fine.

I could totally have died had I not gone in.  It’s not uncommon in my family do die at age 48.  My father did and so did his father.  Apparently it is a hereditary condition making it easy tor plaque to build up on my arteries.  My brother better be careful.

So now I’m home resting and waiting for the soreness to abate.  I am lucky to have neighbors who helped me get my prescriptions and check in on me.  Otherwise I would be completely alone.  Sucks to be sick when you’re lonely.

I have an appointment with my cardiologist in two weeks for a follow-up.  He mentioned that I need to go on a vegetarian diet and get control of my cholesterol and blood pressure.  I’ve already been leaning toward a healthier diet so it shouldn’t be too difficult to take it a few steps further.  I think the main cause is my genes.

So how am I handling my brush with morality?   So far, I’m not too freaked out about it.  Dying wouldn’t have bothered me too much except for the fact that I’ve wasted my life working and planning for a retirement future that may not have ever come.  That would have been the major shame not to have enjoyed the fruits of your labor however material they may have been.  But then that’s the point of living isn’t it?  The meaning of life is to have a good time.  Perhaps I should use this incident as an excuse to make sure I DO have a good time with whatever time is left for me.  I still don’t know how though.  Wouldn’t it be lovely to have someone to spend that time with to make it more meaningful?


Where is everybody?

evrbdySo where is everybody?

I drive to work every morning through mind-numbing traffic.  I answer calls from people all day.  I drive home though the same traffic.  I watch the news full of idiots.

I’m surrounded by billions of people but where are they?  Where are the people?  I sit here in the darkness every night watching TV until I go to bed.  Alone.  Where is everyone?  What are they doing?  Where are they going?  Are these figments of my imagination real or just figments?   They’re everywhere but nowhere.  I walk the neighborhood in the evening and see nobody.  Where are they?

Where is everyone?


Return to Personal Isolationism?

solconfYou know, the outside world is a rather unpleasant place.

I live in a world of virtual solitary confinement.  I go out to work, eat in restaurants, occasionally see friends, but I still end up in self-imposed isolation.

Every once in a while I work up the courage to reach out and always get rewarded with a slap upside my head.  You would think my Pavlovic experiences would teach me my lesson but I have always had a tiny seed of faith that one day I would be successful in getting what I need.

The other day I decided to try again.  I placed an ad on Craigslist describing who I am and what I’m looking for.  In response I get hatemail.   Yeah, It’s Craigslist and that’s where the evil people hang out but what alternative is there?  It was a very unpleasant experience and even though I was able to shrug it off, it still affects a person.

I once again feel that I really need to let go of my dreams and sink into a life of zombie-like indifference.   That doesn’t sound all that bad.  I only need to last another 40 years maximum and I’ll be dead.

I would say that the Universe is against me having what I need but I think it is just the Earth.  I’m sure there are other planets out there where creatures like me exist and instead of calling me names they would welcome my pursuit of happiness.  I would probably be their God.  Unfortunately, unless I can somehow get a message to them to come pick me up, it’s not looking good for me.

I’ve done the Zombie thing before but not to the full extent of it’s possibility.  Do you think that if I embraced zombieism that my unfulfillable wants and desires will eventually fade? I am enticed to find out.  Since I love experiments, I might do a time-limited test with an option for extension.

There’s not really a lot involved in going zombie.   You just basically stop doing everything that is not absolutely necessary.  That’s difficult for me because I like doing things.  I could go half-zombie but I don’t think it will really be effective.  I’ve tried that before and it wasn’t.  You have to go 100% zombie or not at all.

It would be easier if I lived somewhere the weather was so bad that you really couldn’t do anything.  Deep snow for a month would help.  Not going to happen in San Antonio.  The more I think about it, the more I want to do it.  I wonder how long it would take to successfully fade out your desires.  I’m thinking just a short period of months would not be enough.  You would have to go years to have any effect.  Maybe it’s pointless to try but it might be fun just to see what happens.

I’m going to think about the experiment.  Maybe not now.  We’ll play it by ear.  If I stop posting for a while, consider me zombified.