The thought may be better than the real thing

For the last 40 years I’ve been pining for a good friend but I wonder if it is nothing more than a fantasy.  Each time I’ve tried I am always disappointed.

Today I placed an ad on Craigslist laying out my interests and asking for someone similar.  I got a nice response from a girl who was very literate and interested in many of the things I like.  A strange thing happened as I was reading her response.  I thought, “She sounds like a perfect friend.” but then I thought, “but I don’t need her.”  WTF?

I scrolled down and saw some pictures she had included.  She is a very pretty girl but I realized that I’m not attracted to humans.  I’m more attracted to my fantasy than actual reality.  Does that make any sense?   There’s no getting around the fact that humans gross me out no matter how good they look.  That’s pretty messed up, right?  I don’t know.

(This is not coming out as profoundly as it sounded in my head.)

To break it down, I’m trying to say that I don’t really want another person around me and I wonder if this is true or just something I’m telling myself in attempt to make it make sense.  Still not what I’m trying to say.

I’m trying to say that my desire is false and I need to let it go and stop beating myself up.  I am hereby setting myself free.  I think.

 

Geocaching

Geocaching is something I’ve been curious about for many years.  An acquaintance emailed me last week and asked if I would like to give it a try.  I was GO for that.  Today she came and picked me up in her electric car and we went to visit some of the caches in my neighborhood.   We couldn’t find the first one.  Maybe this is harder than I thought.  After scouring the area and giving up we went on to the next one which we found easily.

For those of you who live under a rock, geocaching is where you go to locations marked on a map and try to find a small container hidden by other people.  Sometimes the container has trinkets in it of which you can take and replace with one of your own.  They almost all have a tiny scroll of paper where you can sign your name and the date on it.

We searched and found 5 or 6 of them.  A few containing trinkets but most were just logs.  Most were easy to find but a few were very difficult.  One was so tiny it looked not much larger than the cap on the air valve of a tire.  Inside was a very tiny scroll to sign.

Well.  It was interesting but not really captivating.  There’s room for improvement here somewhere.  Still it was a good way to spend a few hours of a Saturday with someone rather than sitting at home alone.

We were hungry afterwards so we had lunch at Chili’s where as usual she told me all about her life problems.  I listened because she needed someone to listen to her.  I’m good at that.  I’m here for you whether you’re there for me or not.

 

Net Worth = Half a Million!

mnyvltI just finished doing my monthly budget update where I enter all the money I’ve spent for the month and add up all the money in various investment accounts etc.

My Net Worth just hit a Half Million!! What now bitches who don’t want to be my friend!

My early retirement is coming up and a life of leisure is on the horizon.  Just this month even after losing $2000 day-trading on the stock market, my net worth went up $5700.   Sweetness!

Suck it you evil bastards who won’t even look at me!

 

Dangerous attitude settling in

I need an attitude adjustment and I need it very soon.  Like NOW!

I am falling down and need help getting back up.  I don’t have anyone to help me so I’m going to have to do it myself somehow.  Perhaps like they say, Just admitting that you have a problem means that you are not too far gone.

It’s only Monday and I spent it staring at my computer screen all day at work.  I tried to read to pass the time between a sparse number of help desk calls but reading was difficult.  My eyes would not lock onto the words in order.  They skipped around reading random words and making no sense.  My mind was preoccupied and there was no stopping it because the subject is of utmost importance.

I’m tired.  I’m deathly tired.  I don’t want to work any longer.  30 years of getting up early and spending the day doing nothing important to myself is more than anyone should have to bear.  Technically I have 11 more years before I reach the age of retirement.  There’s no way in hell I’m going to last 11 days much less 11 years.

I was ready to stop around two years ago when I took my 10 month sabbatical.  That was before my near heart attack.  I was immortal.  Now I’m mortal and need health insurance.  How can I stop working?  I’m trapped like all the other humans.  I am REALLY hoping Donald Trump can put together a health care system that I can afford without having to work my ass off.  I really wish we had universal health care like Canada and Britain.

I still have a plan to move out of the horrible city to a small town.  It is doable but I’m having a hell of a time finding land.  I know.  Patience you must have.  I have it but I’m running out quickly.

In the meantime I’m in a bad place mentally and I need to fix it right now.  I’ve successfully changed my attitude on a dime in the past so I’m hoping I can do it again tonight.  I’m going to go out and sit in the hot tub and see if I can work it out.  Wish me luck or pray for me.  I’ll take anything at this point.

You know.  If I had a proper friend who made me smile, things would be completely different.

A Little later…

It worked!  Thank you for your well wishes.  I’m sure that helped in some way.
I sat in the hot tub out in the darkness of the back yard and discussed it with myself.  Eventually I came to a conclusion that even though I am not getting what I need out of life in a timely manner, I can at least have one thing.  Hope.

I used to laugh at people who said they have “Hope” because I didn’t understand what it meant.  Yeah I know what the word means but what does Hope really represent?

Hope it what we have inside that says that things will work out eventually.  I still have time and the things I need are within reach.  I’ve already made the commitment to the idea now I just have to allow it to happen.  The things I need in life eventually come to me.  I just have to know how to recognize them when they present themselves.  Recognizing them is not always easy.  They often slip by and it isn’t until later that I realize that they got away from me.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to work with a good attitude and I’m going to continue studying to take my Windows 10 MCSA exam.   They are going to pay for me to also go to training for Microsoft Exchange sometime very soon.  I’m going to take advantage of it and get my Exchange certification.  With those two certifications and my 30 years of experience, when the time comes and I move to my happy place, I should have no problem getting the kind of job I need and want.

I feel much better now.  See. That’s how you change your attitude.  It’s really all in your head.  Remember the Hope.  Nobody can take it away from you.  Not even yourself.

 

 

 

Please help me

hlpmplzI am so depressed right now.

I know its only temporary but it would be so nice to have someone to talk to.  I’m sitting here alone at work waiting for time to pass.  I can’t concentrate on reading my book or doing anything.  I keep typing the words “Help me” into Google hoping that a miracle will happen.

Why is it so difficult to find people?  Where are they?

I just need to get home and get away from the world.  Some TV and Sleep is often the best medicine for depression.  There has to be a better way.

 

To try or not to try

dcsndcI’ve spent 40 some odd years being lonely and no matter how hard I try to get used to it, I just can’t let it go.

I wrote a nice Craigslist ad to see if I can find myself a good female friend.  I wrote a long description of myself, the things I like and what I am looking for.

I’m pretty sure that even if I post it, it is unlikely that I will get any realistic response here in San Antonio.  The people here just aren’t the right kind of people for me.  Either way, part of me wants to try but the other part says, “Don’t do it, Dumbass!”

First of all, All I want is a friend.  I’m not looking for a romantic situation.  A little sex, yes, but not love or marriage.  That’s not for me.

Second of all, I want to leave San Antonio eventually.  Maybe soon even.  Maybe never. I don’t know what the hell to plan for.  It’s kind of a limbo situation until my mom passes away which could be soon or over 10 years from now.  What am I supposed to do?

Logic tells me to try because having someone to make the world better could just change everything.  It also tells me that dabbling in social interaction never turns out in a good way.  I’ve always been sorry for trying.

I’m rather fond of being by myself.  Mostly because being around people who don’t share my interests hurts more than dental work.  ;

My ad is pretty specific about certain things that are sure to weed out commoners right away. That might be helpful in minimizing the pain of the attempt.

So right now I’m leaning toward giving it a shot.  My plan is to post it near the beginning of January to start the year off.  If I get no response then nothing lost nothing gained.  If I get a good response then I guess I’ll deal with it as things happen.