Lonely or Horny?

lnlyhrnyIt’s another weekend where I have time to rest and think about how empty my life is.  I’m not saying that work makes my life better but it certainly helps take my mind of the other mundanities of life.

I usually spend the weekend at home alone because I have nowhere else to go and nobody to spend any time with.  My thoughts drift to wondering if there is anyone out there for me.  I can sometime spend hours rehashing my thoughts and trying to make sense of my loneliness.  You might think it was simple but it is rather complex.  Maybe it’s simple for normal people but I’m far from normal.

If I really boil it down until the only the essence is left, I think it is just plain hornyness.  What happens to the brain of a 49 year old man who is still a virgin?   You can bet it’s pretty screwed up in a literal sense.   In the end, all I want is someone to touch me.  It doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it?  What kind of world is this where touching is so prohibited.

Finally, after hours of mental anguish, I end up masturbating and then all is well with the world.  I think I should probably do that early in the morning and cut out the wasted time but being horny is kind of fun on it’s own.  It’s just the lack of an outlet that makes it suck so much.   If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I sure hope it is on a planet where sex and the human body is not such a taboo.

 

Are all neighbors crazy?

I’m pretty sure that all neighbors are crazy.  I’ve watched them all my life and there’s no doubt that they are all insane.

I am currently surrounded by crazy people.  The house across the street has a family of black people who have 5 cars and come and go constantly.  Every time I go out into my yard I see them either pull up, drive away or just sit in the car with the engine running for an hour or more.  So how many times to they come and go when I’m not looking? Do they buy their potato chips one chip at a time?  Where the hell are they going all the time?

My neighbors right next door are renters.  They pretty much ignore me completely.  If I’m lucky I might make some small talk but otherwise I might not exist.  Have they no idea what awesomeness lives right next door?

I can go on and on but I’ll keep it short.  Having a crazy President doesn’t help.

I think, perhaps, people are crazy all over.  When I was young, I came to the conclusion that people are dumb because they think they are smart.  This theory may still have some value.   As closed-minded as we have become these days, our ideas are all we have and therefore must be the Truth.  (Capital T in truth because when we decide for ourselves that something is true then there can be no other truth no matter what.)

Maybe people are crazy because they are just trying to cope with pointless existence.  They are doing the best they can to avoid the monotony of a dreary daily life with nothing to look forward to.

Maybe the observers are the crazy ones.  We might think that others are crazy because they don’t conform to the standards of our own truth.

Craziness has exploded in recent years.  I think it started around the year 2000.  It was at that time when everything special had already been done and oppressive mundanity forced us to go to extremes to make life livable.  The internet became a major medium allowing crazy extremism to spread like wildfire until we were all infected.  So far, no antidote seems to be available and there’s no doubt that craziness is exponential.  I wonder what it will be like in just another ten years.  If the aliens don’t come soon then we are sure to destroy ourselves.

I guess I’m not one to lodge complaints about crazy people.  My attempts to cope with life has left me as crazy as a soup sandwich.  I’m sure my neighbors think I’ve completely lost it.  Here’s a guy who runs around naked, showers in his backyard, keeps his house and yard nice, builds TARDISes in his garage, is still a virgin at 49, has no friends, lives alone with a cat, wears short shorts and speedos, drives a Prius and has a lot of money.

Boobity boobity boo!  I’m probably crazier than you!

 

 

Let go of my past?

PHOTORITED

For most of my adult life I’ve been haunted by the wonderful memories of being a kid and having friends to play with.   The fact that I no longer have any of that hurt me deeply and permanently.  I spent so many years wishing back for the good times that were past.

I just realized the other day that I think I am finally over that.  I think it helps that I’ve let go of Facebook where I was constantly reminded of the existence of my old friends who no longer want me in their lives.  I feel that I have let go of my past life and I am finally living only in the present and future.   I no longer wish for those things I had.

I’m not really sure what more to say about it other than just wanting to say something to mark the occasion of my transcendence to the next level.   I feel good.  Better for sure.

Level Up!

 

 

Trapped!!

trpdcgeHelp!  I’m trapped in the cage of life!

I’m stuck in a meaningless existence waiting for someone to free me. I rattle the bars but nobody can hear me.  Nobody cares.  They like me to be in this cage where I can work for them and always be there for them.  They don’t want to see me free and happy.

I’m working a pointless, dead-end job again because I have nowhere else to go.  I would quit and just stay home all day but that’s not what I want either.  Not in my current suburban wasteland house anyway.

Until I can find some land in the country I remain in my cage.   Waiting… Waiting…  Wishing… Crying…

People who read this blog regularly know me as singing this same song over and over. Unfortunately it’s all I have to sing.  Now I know why the caged bird sings.  It sings of hope and freedom.  It sings of companionship and purpose. It sings of love and life.

Does anybody care?  Anyone at all?

 

I am my own worst enemy

After spending the last two days wallowing in the mud pit of depression I went to bed having given up on everything.  This morning, as with most mornings, I awoke refreshed and feeling good.

If you are ever depressed or hurting in any way, I highly recommend a nice shower and sleep.  There’s something about a good shower that seems to wash away more than just dirt.  That, followed by a nice long night of sleep, helps you forget your pain.

It’s not new to me but I seem to keep forgetting that I am my own worst enemy.  If I could just leave myself alone I would be perfectly happy.  A long time ago,  I named my evil twin, Malus.  He’s a real bastard somebitch who’s entire being is to follow me around and insult me.  He tells me horrible things and I usually end up believing him because I have nobody else to tell me otherwise.  Every once in a while I can lose him but he knows where I live so it’s never a permanent solution.

This week I’m going to do my best to push him away and not let him get to me.  I really want to feel good about myself.  I really need it.  I hope it’s not too late.

 

Can I just give up?

I think I’m done.  I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore.  The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.

Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed.  The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.

That was straw the broke the camel’s back.  I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation.  I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying.  Not just looking for land but everything else.  How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy.  It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.

The struggling itself is overwhelming now.  I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying.  What if I just give up on having a friend.  Give up on retiring to the country.  Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for.  Other people have done it.  Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me.  Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed?  Is that good enough?  I’m going to have to learn to like beer.  I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need.  Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?

At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate.  If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen.  I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet.  I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.

I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland.  Beer and TV.  That’s all we need, right?  Then let it be so.  Fuck everything else.

 

Coming to a complete standstill

This evening was our Community Band Movie Night concert.  We play for about an hour before it gets dark enough to start the movie.  It has become a popular event.

I’ve been feeling down all day and even called in sick because I couldn’t stand another day at work this week.  I mostly sat around and watched TV and movies.  I really needed the rest, both physically and mentally.  The boss wasn’t happy but neither was I.

After the concert I stopped by the grocery store for a few things.  I was hoping the concert would pick me up but it didn’t help much.  I was still feeling depressed.  I don’t know exactly why.  I slowly trudged through the aisles in a partial fog trying to get the things I needed.  At one point I slowed down and came to a complete stop in the middle of an aisle.  I just stood there staring into nothingness.  I could have curled up into a ball on the floor and cried.  I could have spent hours standing there like a statue but didn’t want to freak people out so I forced myself back into motion.

I wish I knew exactly what my problem is.  I think it is a combination of many things that has, over the years, become a fog.  I can no longer pick out anything in particular that I can come up with a solution to.  I think it is a combination of the following solution-less issues:

  1. Loneliness
  2. Emptiness
  3. Pointlessness
  4. Futurelessness
  5. Tiredness

They are all things that I can do nothing about so I try to ignore them.  I know that bottling them up and putting them on the shelf in the back of the freezer is not a solution but it’s all I can do.  I wish somebody would help me.  I could really use a nice long hug right now.