Out of Phase

All my life, I’ve felt out of phase with this planet.  Maybe not the planet itself but the humans that infest it.

I’m like a four dimensional being in a three dimensional world.  There’s something amazing right here but nobody can see it.  Thinking fourth-dimensionally is difficult so consider a three dimensional object in a two dimensional world.   If you could only see one face of a cube, you would see nothing but a square.  A blank face is all you can visualize while 99% of the object can never be seen.  That’s me.  The majority of me is beyond the comprehension of regular beings.  I can tell because whenever I try to share something awesome, they look at me like I’m something they’ve never seen before. You know that face they make? Like, “What?”

I’m a ghost.  If I try hard enough I can make myself visible, but without major effort, I walk the planet completely unseen.  Am I here or am I not?

Like a demon, people can summon me when they want something from me.  I’m not sure how they do it but I always seem to be there for them to work my magic and make it all better.  If they don’t need me then I cease to exist until called upon again.

What a wonderful existence.



Dangerous attitude settling in

I need an attitude adjustment and I need it very soon.  Like NOW!

I am falling down and need help getting back up.  I don’t have anyone to help me so I’m going to have to do it myself somehow.  Perhaps like they say, Just admitting that you have a problem means that you are not too far gone.

It’s only Monday and I spent it staring at my computer screen all day at work.  I tried to read to pass the time between a sparse number of help desk calls but reading was difficult.  My eyes would not lock onto the words in order.  They skipped around reading random words and making no sense.  My mind was preoccupied and there was no stopping it because the subject is of utmost importance.

I’m tired.  I’m deathly tired.  I don’t want to work any longer.  30 years of getting up early and spending the day doing nothing important to myself is more than anyone should have to bear.  Technically I have 11 more years before I reach the age of retirement.  There’s no way in hell I’m going to last 11 days much less 11 years.

I was ready to stop around two years ago when I took my 10 month sabbatical.  That was before my near heart attack.  I was immortal.  Now I’m mortal and need health insurance.  How can I stop working?  I’m trapped like all the other humans.  I am REALLY hoping Donald Trump can put together a health care system that I can afford without having to work my ass off.  I really wish we had universal health care like Canada and Britain.

I still have a plan to move out of the horrible city to a small town.  It is doable but I’m having a hell of a time finding land.  I know.  Patience you must have.  I have it but I’m running out quickly.

In the meantime I’m in a bad place mentally and I need to fix it right now.  I’ve successfully changed my attitude on a dime in the past so I’m hoping I can do it again tonight.  I’m going to go out and sit in the hot tub and see if I can work it out.  Wish me luck or pray for me.  I’ll take anything at this point.

You know.  If I had a proper friend who made me smile, things would be completely different.

A Little later…

It worked!  Thank you for your well wishes.  I’m sure that helped in some way.
I sat in the hot tub out in the darkness of the back yard and discussed it with myself.  Eventually I came to a conclusion that even though I am not getting what I need out of life in a timely manner, I can at least have one thing.  Hope.

I used to laugh at people who said they have “Hope” because I didn’t understand what it meant.  Yeah I know what the word means but what does Hope really represent?

Hope it what we have inside that says that things will work out eventually.  I still have time and the things I need are within reach.  I’ve already made the commitment to the idea now I just have to allow it to happen.  The things I need in life eventually come to me.  I just have to know how to recognize them when they present themselves.  Recognizing them is not always easy.  They often slip by and it isn’t until later that I realize that they got away from me.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to work with a good attitude and I’m going to continue studying to take my Windows 10 MCSA exam.   They are going to pay for me to also go to training for Microsoft Exchange sometime very soon.  I’m going to take advantage of it and get my Exchange certification.  With those two certifications and my 30 years of experience, when the time comes and I move to my happy place, I should have no problem getting the kind of job I need and want.

I feel much better now.  See. That’s how you change your attitude.  It’s really all in your head.  Remember the Hope.  Nobody can take it away from you.  Not even yourself.




Online Dating? Not.

I had the conversation with my therapist the other day on the subject of my social life.  It’s obviously zero because that’s the way I like it.  Still, it made me give it second thoughts.

I decided to give match.com a look today just to see what I was missing.  I filled out the basic questionnaire just basically wanting to see some search results.  Eventually I pressed search and was presented with a screen of 40-49 year old women.  I was immediately turned off.  But why?

Maybe it’s the fact that they are old.  More likely, it’s the fact that they are actual women who want commitment and love.  Something I can’t provide.  I just don’t see myself in that kind of role.  I don’t have it in me.   I’m not looking for love in the first place.  Sex, yes.  Love, no.

What I really need is not Match.com.  I need Justfirends.com.  Curiously, I typed it into the URL bar of my browser but no such site exists.  There’s a server there but it’s just something screwed up.

Oh well.  At least I know that online dating is not for me.  Whatever.



Life Goes On

There have been three deaths in my community band over the last few months.  Just last week one of our clarinet players passed away walking out to her car after rehearsal.  At least she died among friends instead of alone in an empty house.

Despite the three deaths and my near-death last year, I find myself not feeling a lot.  I wonder if it is just me or that’s the way it is.  Life comes and goes and there’s little you can do about it.  Other than these people’s close relatives, I don’t see a lot of lasting impact on others either.  The band played on just the same.  I’m guessing that it isn’t just me who has a lack of ability to care for more than a few minutes.   They all continue to go to work the next day as if nothing happened.  As if a lifetime of experiences that is suddenly lost to eternity mean absolutely nothing.

When you die, life goes on.  You will be forgotten and the world continues to turn.

It kind of makes me wonder why we struggle so hard.  We spend a third of our life in school.  We spend another third or more working 8-5 at a pointless job so we can buy pointless crap.  If we have a few years left at the end, we live out our pointless life, generally without any money left to enjoy it.  The next thing you know it’s over and you have nothing to show for it.  You can’t take any of it with you anyway.

Those who knew you will say, “Meh.” and head off to work the next morning as if nothing happened to continue the cycle until they die as well.

Dark thoughts but can you say it’s not true?


NO! I don’t want to fix your shit!

whtheMotherfucker!  I don’t want to fix your computer, your car or your house!

Today is Saturday.  I have precious few hours to take care of all the things I can’t do during weekdays and maybe work in some R&R. Yet again I get the dreaded text, “Are you busy today?”

“No sombitch.  I have absolutely NOTHING to do but sit here and stare at the walls.  Yes!  I’m fucking busy!”

It’s an acquaintance who wants me to “help” him fix his car.  That means he stands there while I fix it.  Sorry…  Not sorry.

I’m not totally self absorbed.  If he wanted to go do something fun like a road trip, the beach, volleyball, etc. I would make time.   If you expect me to work for you on my weekend then, No!  Fuck off!

Come on people.  Who do you think I am?  I’m not a robot here for your convenience.  Either give me some respect or give me a blow job.  Your choice.


My First Therapist

thrpstA few weeks ago I got a call from someone who likely got my name off of some Cardiac Patient registry.  It is basically a combination of Psychological help and Sociological.  Something I’ve needed for a long time anyway so I went along with it.  Apparently my insurance pays most or all of it.

I’ve had two phone sessions with a therapist so far.  It has mostly been a get-to-know-you thing so far but whatever it is, it feels good to have someone to talk to.  A blog is nice but one really needs some human touch.

I’m still not entirely sure what is going on with this service but it seems legit so far.  I really don’t think anyone can help me so I am dubious.  I’m hoping to be able to get something out of it at least.  I’m not like regular people with regular mundane problems.  So far, other than just having someone to talk to, I really haven’t learned anything I don’t already know.

Hoping for the best.

Heading down a bad path

bdpthI am heading down a bad path mentally.  It’s going to take a serious quantity of happy thinking to get me back on track.

I had better experience an act of kindness from a friend or stranger soon or I’m going to totally lose my faith in humanity and everything good.

My whole life has been spent giving to others and never receiving even the simple things that a person needs to survive.  I don’t want your thanks.  I don’t want your money. I don’t want lame gifts. I want you to nourish my soul and make my life worth living.

Right now I am on the verge of reaching the point of no return and I’m scared.  Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.  I do NOT want to spend any time with friends or family other than my mom.  I don’t want to talk to them.  I don’t want to see them.  I am seconds away from deleting Facebook from my phone and tablet.   Every single time that I have spent time or communicated with others I have regretted it in one way or another.  I leave the situation feeling like my soul has been sucked out leaving my desiccated corpse lying in the dirt.

I am happiest by myself doing fun projects and keeping it awesome.  I guess that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.  I like to be alone.  It’s the best.

Thinking happy thoughts really hard….