I am my own worst enemy

After spending the last two days wallowing in the mud pit of depression I went to bed having given up on everything.  This morning, as with most mornings, I awoke refreshed and feeling good.

If you are ever depressed or hurting in any way, I highly recommend a nice shower and sleep.  There’s something about a good shower that seems to wash away more than just dirt.  That, followed by a nice long night of sleep, helps you forget your pain.

It’s not new to me but I seem to keep forgetting that I am my own worst enemy.  If I could just leave myself alone I would be perfectly happy.  A long time ago,  I named my evil twin, Malus.  He’s a real bastard somebitch who’s entire being is to follow me around and insult me.  He tells me horrible things and I usually end up believing him because I have nobody else to tell me otherwise.  Every once in a while I can lose him but he knows where I live so it’s never a permanent solution.

This week I’m going to do my best to push him away and not let him get to me.  I really want to feel good about myself.  I really need it.  I hope it’s not too late.

 

Can I just give up?

I think I’m done.  I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore.  The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.

Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed.  The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.

That was straw the broke the camel’s back.  I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation.  I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying.  Not just looking for land but everything else.  How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy.  It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.

The struggling itself is overwhelming now.  I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying.  What if I just give up on having a friend.  Give up on retiring to the country.  Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for.  Other people have done it.  Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me.  Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed?  Is that good enough?  I’m going to have to learn to like beer.  I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need.  Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?

At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate.  If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen.  I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet.  I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.

I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland.  Beer and TV.  That’s all we need, right?  Then let it be so.  Fuck everything else.

 

Coming to a complete standstill

This evening was our Community Band Movie Night concert.  We play for about an hour before it gets dark enough to start the movie.  It has become a popular event.

I’ve been feeling down all day and even called in sick because I couldn’t stand another day at work this week.  I mostly sat around and watched TV and movies.  I really needed the rest, both physically and mentally.  The boss wasn’t happy but neither was I.

After the concert I stopped by the grocery store for a few things.  I was hoping the concert would pick me up but it didn’t help much.  I was still feeling depressed.  I don’t know exactly why.  I slowly trudged through the aisles in a partial fog trying to get the things I needed.  At one point I slowed down and came to a complete stop in the middle of an aisle.  I just stood there staring into nothingness.  I could have curled up into a ball on the floor and cried.  I could have spent hours standing there like a statue but didn’t want to freak people out so I forced myself back into motion.

I wish I knew exactly what my problem is.  I think it is a combination of many things that has, over the years, become a fog.  I can no longer pick out anything in particular that I can come up with a solution to.  I think it is a combination of the following solution-less issues:

  1. Loneliness
  2. Emptiness
  3. Pointlessness
  4. Futurelessness
  5. Tiredness

They are all things that I can do nothing about so I try to ignore them.  I know that bottling them up and putting them on the shelf in the back of the freezer is not a solution but it’s all I can do.  I wish somebody would help me.  I could really use a nice long hug right now.

 

National Rest Week

rstI don’t know about you but I’m tired.  REALLY tired.

What do you say we declare the third week in June to be National Rest Week?  All stores, restaurants and businesses of any kind must remain closed all week long so people can just stay home and get some desperately deserved rest.

Sadness Pangs?

Lately I’ve been experiencing what seem to be pangs of sadness.  It’s kind of like a pinprick in my brain right between my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling and hard to describe.  It’s like my eyes want to cry.  It comes randomly and then disappears immediately.

I can only guess that it is 40 years worth of repressed sadness, frustration, emptiness trying to escape.  I wonder if I have reached my capacity for storing it all up.  How much room is left?  What happens when I’m completely full?  I expect one would need to cry to let it out but I seem to be incapable.  The last time I came close to crying it took major effort to sustain it for less than a minute.  Still it felt fake and was completely ineffective.

Is there something other than crying to relieve the pressure?

Sucks.

 

 

Stop looking at me like that!!

I swear I’m not going to talk to anyone anymore.  I’m tired of getting that, “Are you an alien?” face from you.

The other day I stopped by a modular home lot to see what the houses looked like.  Before I could see anything I had to go through the sales spiel and answer a lot of questions. I can’t count the number of times I answered simple questions and got the alien face.

  1. Do you rent an apartment?  No.  I have a house.  Face.
  2. How much do you pay for your mortgage?  I paid it off 10 years ago. Face.
  3. Do you have any pets?  No.  I might get a dog.  Face.
  4. Do you live on the south side?  No.  I’m on the Northwest side.  Face.
  5. How long have you lived in San Antonio?  All my life.  Face.
  6. What is your income?  $54,000. Face.
  7. What kind of financing will you be needing?  None.  I’ll pay cash.  Face.
  8. Do you want a 3 or 4 bedroom house?  Just one bedroom please.  Face.

I was ready to slap the face right off this guy.

It’s not just him either.  I see it all the time from friends and family.  Is there anyone I can talk to who is normal?  You’re all insane and I hate you.

 

The thought may be better than the real thing

For the last 40 years I’ve been pining for a good friend but I wonder if it is nothing more than a fantasy.  Each time I’ve tried I am always disappointed.

Today I placed an ad on Craigslist laying out my interests and asking for someone similar.  I got a nice response from a girl who was very literate and interested in many of the things I like.  A strange thing happened as I was reading her response.  I thought, “She sounds like a perfect friend.” but then I thought, “but I don’t need her.”  WTF?

I scrolled down and saw some pictures she had included.  She is a very pretty girl but I realized that I’m not attracted to humans.  I’m more attracted to my fantasy than actual reality.  Does that make any sense?   There’s no getting around the fact that humans gross me out no matter how good they look.  That’s pretty messed up, right?  I don’t know.

(This is not coming out as profoundly as it sounded in my head.)

To break it down, I’m trying to say that I don’t really want another person around me and I wonder if this is true or just something I’m telling myself in attempt to make it make sense.  Still not what I’m trying to say.

I’m trying to say that my desire is false and I need to let it go and stop beating myself up.  I am hereby setting myself free.  I think.