Indifference to death?

I’m dictating this Because my broken wrist prevents me from typing. please forgive Errors. I don’t want to have to go back and fix everything.

The other day my mom told me that my aunt Katherine passed away. A normal person might react but I felt absolutely nothing. When I was a very young kid she was one of my favorite people. She wasn’t a direct relation but married to my Uncle Darwin. I like him but I liked her even more. I always looked forward to spending time with her.

At one time there was some kind of Argument among the adults And we didn’t see  her anymore. When I was in high school I wrote her a letter telling her how much I missed her. I don’t recall her ever writing back

I saw her again briefly once 30 years later.  She was now very old and feeble. Another 10 years passed and now she’s gone. I feel nothing. I really don’t even care. What concerns me more is wondering whether I should feel this way or not. How would a normal person feel in this situation? Is my lack of empathy Normal or am I As screwed up mentally as I think?

I don’t know. whatever. I guess it is as it is.


I’m too far ahead of my time

Nicola Tesla and I have something in common.  We are both way ahead of our time.

I’ve noticed that sharing awesomeness with others is extremely difficult.  There have been so many times I’ve come up with amazing and innovative ideas and thoughts that could change life for the better for those around me but my discoveries fall on deaf ears.

I just don’t understand.  How can you not appreciate something so special?  It boggles my mind.  Don’t you get it?  Why are you so closed minded?  Is there anybody inside that thick empty head of yours?  I’m offering you gold here!  Platinum!  Unobtanium!  Wake up!!

It’s come to the point where, like Tesla, it’s time to just give up and wait for death.  One day in the future, after I’m gone, the world will catch up and I will be a posthumous God.  I think I’ll go sit in the park now and feed the pigeons.


Anthony Bourdain Suicide

antybrdnNooooooo!   I just found out Anthony Bourdain is dead from suicide.  I can’t believe it.  Well maybe I can but I am really sad about it.  I looked forward to his show, “Parts Unknown” every week.  I’m a person who will never go places and do things so I lived vicariously through Anthony’s travels.  I especially enjoyed his foreign country visits.

He kind of always had an inflection in his voice that signaled depression.  I am very familiar with being depressed.  He had a history of drugs and a poor childhood.  I don’t know what sent him over the edge but I often thought, “Damn!  This guy is living the best life there is.”  How many people get paid to travel the world, meet people and eat great food?  He lived a hard and fast life.

I hope they can divulge more information about why he did it because there are a lot of people out there who could be helped.  Depression is an illness that nobody cares to help you with.   You’re on your own to cure it and if you are unable to help yourself then there’s only one solution.

I’m really going to miss Anthony.  This is the worst thing ever.


Strange feeling

For quite some time now I’ve been leaving Monday night band practice with a strange feeling.  I’m not really sure what it is.  I can best describe it as Disappointment.  I’m not sure what I’m disappointed with though.  Is it the rehearsal?  Is it myself?  Maybe it’s not even disappointment. I don’t know.

I just feel like getting out of there right away without talking to anyone when it ends.  I then wish I had never gone.  It doesn’t make sense because I enjoy playing music.  I enjoy playing with a group of people.  It’s a special experience musically.

I hate to bring up the idea, but maybe it is the shallowness of the social experience.  I get little to no feedback from the director so I don’t even know where I stand.  I’m either a crappy oboe player or a musical genius.   I feel like a hack and I probably am.  Fortunately most of us in a community band are but you kind of want to feel like you are someone special who matters.  I’ve considered just not showing up to see if anyone cares.  Maybe it’s a good thing because I’ll have to give it up when I move out of town.  It might be easier to let go if I’m not satisfied.

I also still have a problem with being social.  Forever an issue, I spend the break standing alone drinking some water and wishing for rehearsal to resume.   Sometimes I’ll speak with someone but small talk is not very fulfilling.

I don’t know.  It’s just the world I live in.  It is as it is.   Let it be.

I guess as long as they aren’t telling me to get the fuck out then I’m contributing well enough.  We’ll go with no news is good news.  Yeah.  Let’s go with that.

I think he could see me

I’ve been spending the memorial day weekend working on painting the garage.  Yeah, maybe not an optimal use of a three day weekend but I can’t think of anywhere I would rather be.

I had a weird experience the other day at Home Depot.  I went up to the paint counter after picking out the color I wanted.  An older man asked if he could help me.  I handed him the sample and told him what I wanted.  He gave me a very strange look.  I gave my standard smile to show that I was alive and friendly.  He went to work on mixing the paint.  A few more times he looked at me strangely before handing me my gallon of Antique White.  He didn’t smile.  It was more of freaked out glance.  He barely spoke.

It was like he saw something weird.  It was almost as if he could see what I actually am.  Nobody’s ever seen my true form.  To regular people, I’m invisible.  To those in the service field, I look like a normal human.  This guy seemed to have the power to see through my disguise.  I’m not used to that.  It kind of freaked me out.  I don’t think I’ll buy my paint there anymore.


Stirred Up Soul

I don’t know how to describe it but lately I’ve felt as though my soul is, ‘Stirred up”.

That thought just came to be as the best description.  I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately.  Usually that is caused by my brain running wild on certain thoughts.   I’ve dealt with that all my life on and off.

This time it is different.  I’m lying in bed, not really thinking about anything but still I can’t fall asleep very easily.  I’ve had it before but fortunately not very often.  My mind is still buzzing but not really thinking.  It’s as if  its stuck in a 20 goto 10 loop.  Not processing anything but still using 100% CPU.  I have malware of the brain.

I need a reboot.  A Reset.  Just a log-off won’t do.  I need to power it down then turn it back on.  Vacation maybe?  I am due for a vacation.  Memorial day is next Monday but a national 3-day weekend is a very bad time to go on vacation.  The whole world is booked up.   Maybe I’ll plan a few days down at the coast on the NEXT weekend plus a Friday.  I don’t want to use up all my vacation time now because I’ll need it later for a special purpose.  Usually three days is enough anyway.

That’s not a bad idea.  Sometimes it really helps to Blog it out.  I’ll spend some time at work tomorrow looking for a vacation plan.  I think that’s what I need to reset my head.

Increasingly Disconnected

dscnntI’m not entirely sure how to describe what I’ve been feeling recently.  Just in the last few days I’ve felt more disconnected with the world than ever.  I’m sure it is self-imposed and maybe it is getting out of hand.

I’ve stopped watching the local and national news because I am not interested in the stupid problems of the regular people.  Seldom does any of what they report affect or even interest me.  Avoiding the news noise has helped me reduce my stress levels.

All my TV is watched from DVR recordings.  I fast-forward through all commercials.  Sometimes I have to hear them and the music and techniques they use hurts.  I’m old now and this crap is obviously aimed at young, stupid people.  Glad I don’t watch them.

Today’s popular music is increasingly horrible.  Don’t get me started.

I’ve lost interest in my few remaining acquaintances.  Like the news, they have nothing to offer me.

I kind of feel like a work-zombie right now.  This may be my last year (or two) of work so I’m not really fighting it anymore.

It’s a good thing I have my new life to look forward to.