Never share something you love!

nkthtbI’ve learned this lesson before but there is something about human nature that makes it a difficult lesson to remember.

“NEVER share something that means a lot to you.”

NEVER!  Seriously!

One of my mostest favoritest things in the world is naked hot tubbing on a cold winter day.  It is by far the best thing ever!  I do it alone because I have nobody and that’s OK.  Last week I thought I would share my happiness with my Facebook friends so I posted the above picture with the caption, “I love naked hot tubbing on a cold winter day.”  I expected positive comments and jealous responses.  Instead, I got things like “OMG!”,  “How can you do that?“, “Oh, My eyes!“, “Why would you post that on Facebook?“, “I would NEVER do that!

I was confounded and crushed.  I expected people to want to come hot tubbing with me and share the awesomeness that makes the world a wonderful place.  Instead, one of the things I love most of all sounded like trash.  Like I should be ashamed of myself.  Like I should never do it ever again.

What kind of shit is that?  It’s the best thing ever!   What’s is wrong with the world?

I wrote many years ago about not sharing things you love.  Music is another thing that should never be shared.   Keep your wonderful music to yourself because if you share it with someone, they will tell you how much it sucks and ask you to play something else.  What what WHAT???

Never share your favorite movies, cartoons and TV shows either.

Keep all the wonderful, excellent, good stuff to yourself.  Keep it secret so it will always be awesome and nobody can take it away from you or make you feel bad about it.

Don’t ever expect anyone else to appreciate awesomeness.  Awesomeness can only be appreciated by yourself.

 

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Unfriended In Real Life

unfrnddLooks like I’ve been unfriended in real life.  There’s this girl I met many years ago.  We met on Craigslist looking for SCUBA buddies.  It turned out we had a lot of stuff in common.  We were really only friends and nothing more.  I never felt she was interested in anything more and I actually liked it that way.  Some benefits would have been nice but it wasn’t like that even though I fantasized.

The big problem is that she was always depressed about her life or lack thereof.  Of course I was in the same boat but not in the same manner.  My problems were mental where her’s are mostly real.  Low paying job, sick mother living with her.  No money to do anything.  Deep in debt.  Sucks. It was her favorite topic for conversation and it got old quickly even though I did my best to listen and offer assistance.  I eventually overcame the majority of my problems but have been unable to help her no matter how I tried.  We eventually stopped diving and going on trips because she had no money or time.

She’s very smart but is dwelling on depression which only makes things worse.  Like I learned a while back, nobody can or is going to help you when you’re depressed.  It’s up to you to figure it out.  I tried to help her but like any other human, you can’t learn from others.  You have to learn on your own.

Now she’s at the point where she is not seeing things clearly and if somebody says anything wrong, she takes it wrong.  A few weeks ago I emailed her to see how she was doing and got no response.  I waited a week and emailed her again.  Still no response.  I posted an “Are you OK” message on her Facebook page.  Finally a few days later she emailed me basically saying that she is shutting herself off from all her friends because they are abandoning her.  I can see where she might see it that way.  When people invite her to do something she can’t do it because of money or sick mother issues.  Eventually they stop trying.  It’s a crappy vicious cycle but that’s pretty much how you lose your friends.  A few months ago I had asked her to go on a cruise with me for my one-week vacation a year.  She couldn’t go so I said “I didn’t think so.  I’ll just go to Colorado to look for land”.   I didn’t mean it in a malicious way but that’s how she took it.  Apparently she is pissed of at me just like her other friends. I explained in a follow-up email and did my best to help her but she stopped responding.

So I’m considering myself Unfriended.  It does suck to loose someone who has things in common with you because those people are extremely rare.  On the other hand, as a friend, she was pretty much useless and I was still just as lonely and hurting as ever.  I’m sorry to see her go but I left the door open in case she ever wants to get in touch again.  I always felt a loyalty responsibility to her and now that she is gone I guess I’m open to finding someone else.  Good luck with that, right?  Still, the position is now open.  Anyone needing a really dedicated friend BFF FWB PDQ HIJKLMNOP can take my online test to see if they are awesome enough to apply.

 

Where is everybody?

evrbdySo where is everybody?

I drive to work every morning through mind-numbing traffic.  I answer calls from people all day.  I drive home though the same traffic.  I watch the news full of idiots.

I’m surrounded by billions of people but where are they?  Where are the people?  I sit here in the darkness every night watching TV until I go to bed.  Alone.  Where is everyone?  What are they doing?  Where are they going?  Are these figments of my imagination real or just figments?   They’re everywhere but nowhere.  I walk the neighborhood in the evening and see nobody.  Where are they?

Where is everyone?

 

What do I want?

wdiwI try to avoid the subject but every once in a while something happens that makes me think about it again.

Yesterday I did my Taxes for the year.  I was later than usual because time and energy just never converged.  Finally I forced the issue.  Turns out it was beneficial because I will be getting $1700 back.  Noice!

The requisite thing for the common person to do would be to feel that that money came from nowhere and is ripe to be spent.  Of course I am smart enough to realize that it is hard-earned money returned back to me and not magical pennies from heaven.  There is obviously the urge to spend it and that’s what brings up the main subject.  If I was to spend it, what do I want?

I really can’t think of anything I would waste $1700 on.  I have no special desire for anything material that I don’t already have.  There’s no point wasting it on some kind of physical item that would interest me for 5 minutes then be forgotten like a child with a new toy.  I don’t need anything.  I don’t specifically want anything.

The things I want cannot be purchased with mere money anyway.  They are more spiritual I guess.  My list of wants include:

  1. Someone to play with.  (Golf, Volleyball, Scuba Diving, Swimming, Hiking)
  2. Someone to work with. (Welding, Woodworking, Electronics, Yardwork)
  3. Someone to be a nudist with me.
  4. Someone to look at me.
  5. Someone to touch me.
  6. Someone to care.

Well that’s interesting!  I guess they all have something in common, don’t they?  “Someone.”  Funny how a list can put a pattern on things. I love lists.

What a bizarre thing the human brain is.  It wants what it wants and you can’t do anything about it.

So what of the $1700?  Money in the bank, Baby!   I’ll put it towards my early retirement plan.  Add that to the list.

Depression – Do not seek the sympathy of others

smpthyIf you are depressed, I’m going to give you some very important advice.  Maybe you won’t accept it right now but I implore you to give it some thought.  It may save your life later.

I spent over 20 years in a deep depression.  I had no idea what to do about it.  All I wanted was for somebody to help me.  I made things worse for myself by playing up the depression in front of others desperate for them to notice and just perhaps give a shit and help me.  Help never came.  Friends, family, co-workers.  Nobody cared enough to even acknowledge my pain.

I continued to cry out in the only way I could but that only made matters worse for myself.  Depression feeds upon itself.  Read all the old entries in this blog and see where I was.

It wasn’t until I realized that the only help that was coming to me was the help that I gave myself.  I wish I could tell you exactly when and how I changed my life but I can’t remember right now.  It’s in this blog somewhere.

The important thing right now is that if you are in the same situation, whether you know it or not, don’t waste your time trying to get sympathy from other people.  They will not come to your aid and you will just be destroying yourself further.  Take my advice.  I know this for a fact.

Happy

hppyI just wanted to share with myself for future reference the fact that I am quite happy.  It’s Monday and I’m at work and rather than being in a state of perpetual anger I am happy enough to feel good.   I’ve actually been this way for quite some time now and I have a few thoughts that might document the contributing factors.

I’ve been trying a supplement called Chasteberry Fruit or Vitex.  It’s kind of what it sounds like.  It is a plant supposedly used by monks in the old days to help them concentrate on their studies rather than sex.  I found it by searching the net for some relief.  I’ve been taking it for a month so far and I think it is really helping me out.  There’s always the placebo effect to wonder about but in this case I really feel that it is somewhat effective.  It has been a good while since I’ve felt the frustration of not being able to fulfill the human desire for sex.   I like it.  It’s damn awesome!  Happy Pills!

I’m also relatively enjoying my new job.  I’ve been here for a year now this month and I can tell you that it’s far better than my last job that I sat miserably in for 18 years.  Take my advice and get a new job if you hate your old one.  It’s totally worth it.

Possibly due to the Chasteberry, I feel completely satisfied to be alone.  Getting home after a day of work and being able to do nothing and not feel that I should be going somewhere with somebody is wonderful.

Overall.  I feel good.  Duh nu nu nu nu nu nuh.  I knew that I would. Du nu nu nu nu nu nuh.  OW!

 

 

 

Enlightenment

drmaWow.  I’m quite the drama queen aren’t I?

It’s amazing how often I lose sight of the big picture and end up down in the hole of micro-thinking.  How can I completely forget how good I have it and wallow in the despair of the few little things I don’t have no matter how important they may seem.  I guess I have to attribute that to human nature.

Human Nature is a bitch for sure.  She has a power that is simply amazing.  To be able to overcome simple logic in favor of stupid desire.  It’s crazy astounding!

I have GOT to come up with a way to remember who I am.  Enlightenment is so fleeting.  It takes a lot of suffering to attain it and when you have it it’s impossible to keep it.  Enlightenment is a handful of water.  No matter how hard you try, it will slip through your fingers and evaporate.