Do not seek the help of others

I’ve spent the majority of my life desperately yearning for someone to help me.  50 years later, still nothing.

Don’t waste time wishing for the help of others.  They have nothing to offer and you’re just hurting yourself.  If you really look at it I’m pretty sure they withhold their help for you because they like to keep you down and in their control.  You’ll always be there for them when they need you and they like you that way.

The lesson here is that the only help you get will be the help you give yourself.  Don’t wait for others to come to you aid or you will be waiting a very long time.  Stand up and pull yourself up by the bootstraps.  Rise from the crevasse and climb that mountain by yourself because only you can do it.  Only you have the power to succeed no matter how much ill others wish upon you.  No.  They don’t care but you do and that’s all that matters.

Jump up and tell them to kiss your ass!  Fuck you and your hat!  I’m not  your bitch anymore.  The world is mine and I never needed you anyway. I win!!!





Poor Kitty

This morning I was driving through the neighborhood to work when I turned a corner and saw something white in the road.  It looked like a plastic grocery bag from a distance.   A couple of kids who were walking to school held up their hands for me to stop.  I stopped and opened my window.  They were concerned about a cat lying in the street.  I pulled over to the curb and got out.

The little white cat had been hit by a car.  She had an broken back leg and blood coming out of her mouth.  Her eyes were popped out.  She was not moving other than her labored breathing.  It was a very sad sight.  I carefully picked her up and moved her to the sidewalk to prevent her from being hit again.  She was in bad shape. She lifted her head and made an attempt to lick herself but collapsed back on the sidewalk.

There was nothing anyone can do so all we could do was continue to school and work.  I was glad to see that the kids cared enough to protect her.  You see so little humanity these days.  Especially kids.  They are usually hardcore bad these days.  I felt bad for these kids having to see such a site but I guess you have to learn about life sooner or later.

I almost cried as I drove away because poor kitty was probably somebody’s loved companion and had a life of her own.  She deserves better than to be mowed down by some bastard who can’t be bothered to stop for a cat crossing the street.  I’m almost crying now.   I don’t even want to try to guess what kind of person it was who did that.  Funny how your faith in humanity can be restored and destroyed in the same incident.


Where are the open-minded people?

I think one of the reasons I feel so alone in this world is that I am surrounded by closed minds.  I am unable to talk openly with my closest acquaintances because they have minds that are programmed in Read Only Memory.

There’s nothing worse than getting that “look” when you say something that is out of the ordinary.  That look that you get when they just can’t comprehend anything different than what they are programmed for.  Like you’ve blown their mind.  Once you get that look, you have to stop because if you continue then they will surely burst into flame or shut down due to overload.

As a result, I have to keep all my amazing thoughts and desires secret.  That really sucks because bottling up awesomeness can cause a psychological embolism.  One day soon I surely hope to find someone who is alive inside before I become dead inside.

So where do you find real, live, open-minded people?  Where are they?  Are they hiding from the zombies like I am?  Do they put on the same common-man facade so the zombies will let them be?  Fans of The Walking Dead will know the trick of covering yourself with zombie guts and blood so that you will smell like one of them and be able to walk among them to get to safety.  It’s like that.  I’m tired of being covered in zombie guts

I wonder if we can come up with some kind of secret sign or symbol.  Something like a Freemason’s ring that can indicate to others than you are one of them.

A ring could be good.  It needs to be a symbol that can be worn on a shirt.  Maybe on a flag.  We need something.

I just did a Google image search on “open mind symbol” and this one caught my eye.  The web page it is on mentions open mind but there’s not much there.  I like it.

It is kind of reminiscent of The Deathly Hallows. That could be a good thing.  What do you think?  It’s kind of basic and could possibly be stylized a bit.  Any open-minded artists out there?  It doesn’t necessarily HAVE to be this image.  Something like it.

I also ran across the silhouette of a man with a hinged cranium but that’s too spot-on.  It needs to be more mysterious and not immediately obvious to the zombies.

Let’s start a new thing!  This can be real.  We don’t have to hide.  We just need a way to find each other.


Bad Review

I went back and forth with myself on whether to write about this but I need to tell someone. It’s not good to keep things totally bottled up inside. Even if I don’t have anyone to talk to, it helps to blog it and let it out.

I had my three-year review today at work.  I didn’t expect it to be good due to the recent bad-blood between my boss and I.  We clashed a bit over the last few months as I was feeling overwhelmed and he just kept piling it on.  We had a little chat last week and have pretty much ironed it out.  It was too late for my review though.  He had already submitted it last month.

I expected him to be somewhat vindictive and I wasn’t disappointed.  He nitpicked everything and blew it all out of proportion.  I did still get a raise due to the calculative manner of the review procedure.  It was 2.5% which is not all that bad.  I don’t really care about the money.  Had I got no raise it would not have mattered much.  I don’t need more money. What DID matter was the bruising of my ego and damage to my self-esteem.

I work my ass off every day.  I go from one thing to the next and don’t even take a break.  I feel guilty about going to lunch. At the end of the day, I’m completely worn out mentally and physically.  It was painful to see that it was mostly in vain.

What hurts most is that I take pride in my work.  I work efficiently.  I work with the user’s needs in mind.  When I am told that I’m not doing a good job it really bothers me because I know that I AM doing a good job.  A better job than most people would do in my position.  Being constantly overwhelmed makes doing the perfect job virtually impossible.  I am doing the best anyone can do in this environment.  It’s kind of the feeling you get when your dad is disappointed with you even though you’ve done the very best you can and thought  you had succeeded.  He only sees the failure.

The boss did indicate that he was sorry about what he had written and it was too late to make any changes.  I understood and don’t hold it completely against him.  It’s human nature.  Still, there’s mental damage deep down.  I’m sure I can overcome it with time.  Time heals all wounds as they say.  Such has been proven time and time again in my experience.  Sleep can do wonders as well.  I took a little ZZZQuil to help me drift off tonight.  We’ll see how much better I feel in the morning.  Each day is Groundhog Day anyway.  I put my review at the bottom of a stack of papers in my computer room.

Self-Esteem has always been a problem issue with me.  I should be used to it.  A regular person might cry or go into deep depression or perhaps rage.  Other than an annoying buzz of sadness, I don’t feel any outrageous reaction.  I’m an adult now, technically, anyway.

So what am I to do next?  I only have 10 months left before I semi-retire so switching jobs seems overkill.  It’s not all that bad I guess.  As always, it could be worse.  I think I’ll just do my best to shrug it off and put on a happy face.

Like I said, I don’t hold it against my boss.  I’m open to the fresh start we are already experiencing.  I might work a little less hard and cut out the unnecessary duties.  Take a break each day and reduce the stress a bit.  I think a good plan would be to “Work smarter, not harder.”  I’m not a Machiavellian planner.  That takes too much energy and thought.  I just want to do a good job and lean toward feeling positive about going to work each day.  There’s not a lot of mental reward where I work.  I’ve done my best to hand out compliments to those who deserve them.  It’s better to give than receive anyway.

Boy I’m full of proverbs today.  Strangely enough, they are apt.

I feel better.  Thank you for letting me tell you about my petty, first-world problems.  It really does help to let them out.



Float it!

fltdgI’m not sure what my boss has against me but he is making it very difficult to do my work lately.  It was really starting to irk me and I was seriously considering looking for another job or just quitting and taking some time off.

I came to a good conclusion today as I was sitting alone in a restaurant eating lunch.

I will be semi-retiring in December anyway (So is the plan.)  I need to have medical insurance.

There’s really no point struggling.  Yes, it hurts my ego but what is that, really?  This particular life is almost up for me so what do I care?  I’m officially going to float it.

It’s going to be difficult making such a change because I’m not the kind of person to sit idle when there is work to be done but I think it is best.  There’s no point in starting a new job just to quit in less than a year.  It’s not off the table but that’s a lot of trouble for ego.  I could just quit but until it’s time to build my new house, there’s nothing I really need the time for.  Might as well make some extra money while things come together.

The plan is to be passive about it and let come what may.  Do what he says and nothing more if I do not deem it to be necessary.  That’s what a regular employee does anyway, right?  Besides, no matter how hard you work here, your review is just satisfactory at best. Why bother with extra effort?  Jesus himself couldn’t get an Exceeds Expectations.  What makes me think I could?  Why is it so hard to find a satisfying job?  Humans.  Once the machines take over, the world will be a much better place.

It’s February now so I only need to float for 11 months.  We get our bonuses in December so after that, it’s sayonara anyway.  Post it note on my monitor, “Float!”

A few hours later…

I’m having alternative thoughts about a new job.  I spent 10 years or more of my previous job feeling unsatisfied.  I promised myself I would not do that again.  Even if time is short, why spend it poorly.   I did some searching on and found a part time job that might be a nicer fit.   I’m tired of working full time anyway.  Sure I would make less money but I have money.  I need happiness.  I might just apply and see what happens.  My only concern is health insurance.  Most part time jobs don’t offer Health Care but I looked at the costs of buying it myself.  It would be around $500-700 a month.  Not too bad.  I’m going to work on my resume and think about it for a bit.  It’s good to keep your options open.

I have a feeling the boss is going to give me a bad review which would be totally wrong.  That might be my cue to leave.  We’ll see.  Maybe I should leave before my review.

The next day…

I decided to take the adult path.  I was really shaken up last night when I got home. I couldn’t eat or even watch TV.  I went out into the hot tub for a thinking session and reasoned it all out and whittled it down to the truth.  I felt much better and was able to sleep.

Today I went to my boss and asked him if we could talk in the conference room for a few minutes.  I broke the ice and he seemed relieved to have the discussion.  As I suspected we were both frustrated with the work environment we have to deal with.  We both did and said things that we shouldn’t have.  I was originally going to tell him about my frustrations but he needed to unload his so I mostly listened.  He is under a lot of pressure from his superiors as well.  I can tell he understood where I was coming from without having to go into detail.  It was a good chat.

In the end we both felt much better and have a renewed relationship.  I’m glad I did it today so I can relax better this weekend.  Sometimes getting issues out in the open can do wonders.



He might be naked!!!

Privacy in the suburban wasteland is difficult to come by.  As a nudist, privacy becomes very important.

Personally, I don’t care if people see me naked in the back yard.  I just worry that if those people happen to be, and most likely are, regular people, then they might freak out.  I don’t need neighbors to freak out.

I’ve planted shrubbery in strategic locations to try to screen my yard from second story windows but it is still a few years away from being a good screen.  In the meantime, the idea of having to put on clothes to go out in the yard, swim, or use the hot tub really sucks.  Therefore I am at least partially careful about offending.  Otherwise, when it’s 100 degrees and high humidity, I’m going naked whether anyone likes it or not.

It hasn’t been obvious yet that my happiness has been observed until recently.  It was cold outside so I wasn’t naked.  I walked outside to clean up the patio.  The neighbors across the back fence were outside playing with their little girl.  The girl, as little girls do, play very loudly.  I could hear every word she yelled at the top of her lungs.  One phrase she said was, “Don’t look over there, he might be naked!”

Apparently at one time I was the topic of conversation in the house.  Part of me is glad to hear that they know and have not called the police or something.  Part of me is sad to hear that seeing naked people is “bad” for them.  What a wonderful world it would be if we could all just be naked and not worry about it.

These people usually keep their 2nd story window blinds closed in which case I feel free.  I guess they peep.  That’s not my fault.  It’s not like I’m being lewd.  I’m just being comfortable.  If they want to peep.  I’m fine with that.

It’s January now and I’m really looking forward to swimming weather again.


Icepocalypse San Antonio 2018

Yesterday I was working in the yard and wearing shorts.  Today it is 27 and there is a very thin layer of ice on many surfaces.  What does that mean?  It means the city is closed.

I woke up this morning, took my earplugs out and was surprised to not hear the usual roar of the city.  Silence!

I’m not complaining about it.  I was lucky enough to have had this day scheduled for vacation so I have nothing to worry about.  I did check my email to find that the place I work is NOT closed.  Can you believe it?  Every single school is closed but my place of business is open.  So glad I am on a vacation day.  That worked out well.  I was kind of hoping that we were closed so I could count this day as a weather day and get my vacation day back.

It might not be too late.  The temperature will not be above freezing until tomorrow afternoon and there is more ice in the forecast.   I’m hoping that they will come to their senses and send everyone home before it gets so bad people cannot go home.

LOL.  Yes.  You people from the north are laughing at us and I laugh too.  The problem here is that Mexicans come from Mexico where it never freezes and therefore have no experience with driving on ice.  To tell the truth, Natural born San Antonians haven’t seen snow or ice since 1985 so we’re pretty much the same.  Total idiots when the roads get slick.  We even have a hard time driving when it rains in the summer.  A little sprinkle and the roads are clogged with accidents for hours.

It’s not much but I’m going to enjoy the ice blast.  I have plenty of dry firewood and a book to read.  I hope the power goes out.  My generator is so bored.