I’m not entirely sure it is actually being lonely. I think maybe the feeling is more of an indication of underlying issues. It’s a very tough feeling to analyse.
It bothers me immensely that nobody else cares. It is possibly the most painful aspect. I can’t count the number of times I’ve hinted on Facebook that I am lonely. I’ve hinted mostly because I’m afraid to just come out and say it for fear that if, still, nobody cares, it would cause maximum pain. At least I can consider their ignorance of the hint as an excuse. I’m not sure what I could expect should someone bother to help. What could they possibly do? It is likely that jousting at windmills would be an ineffective method of obtaining friendship. I keep hoping that someone out there is also lonely. If they are, they are obviously too stupid to take a hint.
I also fight myself on the issue. I’m pretty sure that what I want from a relationship is not what normal people want. Women looking for a relationship don’t want a “Friend”. They want a real relationship with a future of marriage etc. That’s not my desire. I want a friend in the true meaning. I am looking for someone to go out and play. Purely a real live BFF. Come out and play then go home when the streetlights come on.
I guess it doesn’t have to be a female either. I would probably be happier with a male friend because men are more active and adventurous. Men know what men like. On the other hand, I would be nice to have a female buddy. Not that I really care much about what other people think, but it would be nice if people saw us and thought we were a regular couple. That’s what fits in best in this world.
It would be nice to have someone to confide in. I have a number of close acquaintances but I could never be open with them. Hence the rift.
None of this would have been an issue if we had a culture of arranged marriage. You don’t even have to agonize over the issue. Your elders assign you a wife and that’s that. What a wonderful simplicity. This free will thing is not as cracked up as it appears to be.
I also feel that since my time in this town is short, maybe it’s not worth the trouble to find someone now. Just wait until I move then look around. Tick… tick…
There’s also the fact that the things I need will eventually come to me. Either I don’t need it or the time is not right yet. I kind of like that philosophy. It has worked well in the past with everything else so why should it be any different with loneliness?
So I’ve rambled on enough but it feels good to let it out. I may not have a close friend to talk to but the internet can be a partial substitute. I have plenty of inanimate friends but they don’t always satisfy. Thanks for being there Internet.