The Lonely Issue

I thought I had it under control but I seem to be slipping back into loneliness again.  Damn!  I don’t need that.

I’m not entirely sure it is actually being lonely.  I think maybe the feeling is more of an indication of underlying issues.  It’s a very tough feeling to analyse.

It bothers me immensely that nobody else cares.  It is possibly the most painful aspect.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve hinted on Facebook that I am lonely.  I’ve hinted mostly because I’m afraid to just come out and say it for fear that if, still, nobody cares, it would cause maximum pain.  At least I can consider their ignorance of the hint as an excuse.  I’m not sure what I could expect should someone bother to help.  What could they possibly do?  It is likely that jousting at windmills would be an ineffective method of obtaining friendship.  I keep hoping that someone out there is also lonely.  If they are, they are obviously too stupid to take a hint.

I also fight myself on the issue.  I’m pretty sure that what I want from a relationship is not what normal people want.  Women looking for a relationship don’t want a “Friend”.  They want a real relationship with a future of marriage etc.  That’s not my desire.  I want a friend in the true meaning.   I am looking for someone to go out and play.  Purely a real live BFF.  Come out and play then go home when the streetlights come on.

I guess it doesn’t have to be a female either.  I would probably be happier with a male friend because men are more active and adventurous. Men know what men like.  On the other hand, I would be nice to have a female buddy.  Not that I really care much about what other people think, but it would be nice if people saw us and thought we were a regular couple.  That’s what fits in best in this world.

It would be nice to have someone to confide in.  I have a number of close acquaintances but I could never be open with them.  Hence the rift.

None of this would have been an issue if we had a culture of arranged marriage.  You don’t even have to agonize over the issue.  Your elders assign you a wife and that’s that.  What a wonderful simplicity.  This free will thing is not as cracked up as it appears to be.

I also feel that since my time in this town is short, maybe it’s not worth the trouble to find someone now.  Just wait until I move then look around.  Tick… tick…

There’s also the fact that the things I need will eventually come to me.  Either I don’t need it or the time is not right yet.  I kind of like that philosophy.  It has worked well in the past with everything else so why should it be any different with loneliness?

So I’ve rambled on enough but it feels good to let it out.  I may not have a close friend to talk to but the internet can be a partial substitute.  I have plenty of inanimate friends but they don’t always satisfy.  Thanks for being there Internet.

 

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Do not seek the help of others

I’ve spent the majority of my life desperately yearning for someone to help me.  50 years later, still nothing.

Don’t waste time wishing for the help of others.  They have nothing to offer and you’re just hurting yourself.  If you really look at it I’m pretty sure they withhold their help for you because they like to keep you down and in their control.  You’ll always be there for them when they need you and they like you that way.

The lesson here is that the only help you get will be the help you give yourself.  Don’t wait for others to come to you aid or you will be waiting a very long time.  Stand up and pull yourself up by the bootstraps.  Rise from the crevasse and climb that mountain by yourself because only you can do it.  Only you have the power to succeed no matter how much ill others wish upon you.  No.  They don’t care but you do and that’s all that matters.

Jump up and tell them to kiss your ass!  Fuck you and your hat!  I’m not  your bitch anymore.  The world is mine and I never needed you anyway. I win!!!

 

What?

 

External Validation

I’ve spent most of my life experiencing low self-esteem.  I blame it on the loss of my father when I was a boy and the subsequent loss of friends and family.  Yeah.  Sad story but who cares.

Even though my last job sucked, I at least had a good source of external validation.  This job lacks even that.  All I hear about is what I’ve done wrong.  There’s no appreciation for all the great things I do every day.  Perhaps because I’m not the kind of guy who toots his own horn.  I’ve always been a person who works in the background to make the world a better place for everyone else.  I don’t go out looking for appreciation.  If others are happy then I’m happy.

However… Sometimes it’s nice to be appreciated.  When you are lonely the chances of being appreciated are minimal.  The answer here is to realize that external validation, though nice, is not really necessary.  Confirming your sense of self-worth is best accomplished through inner appreciation.

I’ve done a pretty decent job of appreciating my own incredible accomplishments but I’m sure I could get to be better at it.  I’m going to make it a point to celebrate my awesomeness whenever it appears.  How, I’m not sure.  Maybe a verbal attaboy and pat on the back.  Food?  Better not.  Shopping?  Meh.  Better keep it psychological.  The point is to make something of it and make it memorable.  Maybe an achievement log.  That sounds like a good idea.  Something to refer to on those low days.

I’m not to the point of depression.  I successfully beat that a few years ago.  I think, overall, I’m handling things rather well.  I know that I am my best admirer and that’s all that counts.  Yes, it hurts when others don’t see it but you can’t force it upon them.  If they don’t get it then they are not worth it anyway.  Now I’m just rambling.  Time for bed.

North Side Siding Done!

Holy Guacamole!

It took me at two and a half months but I finally got the rotting siding replaced on the north side of my house.  Well..I’m calling it done.

It really needs another coat of paint but I don’t have another month to spend on that.  Why did it take so long to do such a simple job?  Work and rain.   Due to my 8:30-5:30 job, I have absolutely zero time during the week for ANYTHING.  I cram in Community Band practice on Monday nights and a visit with mom on Wednesday nights.  The other three nights I am wiped out and can do nothing but collapse on the couch and watch TV for an hour or two before I drag myself to bed at 9:00.  Besides.  It’s dark when I get home at 6:30 after an hour drive through crippling traffic so doing anything outside would be extremely difficult.  It also keeps raining on weekends.  How does it know?

It’s a good thing I don’t have friends or family because they would demand some of that precious time.  I don’t know how the regular people do it.  Maybe they don’t care about things like replacing siding.  Maybe important things don’t matter to them.

Whatever…

I had to do 99% of the work myself so I created a winch controlled siding lift using 14 foot 2x4s.  That worked out really well.  I’m amazing!  You should want to be my friend!

Once I removed and replaced all the 4×8 sheets of siding, I had to fill the oops nail holes and paint.  I just now finished replacing the vertical trim pieces that hid the seams.  I really wish I had time and energy for one more coat of paint but it will do.  Maybe another time.

Time is a precious commodity.  There is so little of it available these days since time itself has sped up to ludicrous speed.  Time is something that one really should appreciate to the max.  I’m so glad that this is my last year to play the Time Game.  I’m going to early-retire in January of 2019 if my evil plan goes smoothly. Soon time will be my bitch!  It will do my bidding for a change.

Mua ha haaaaa!

Slow Down!!

I usually find myself doing everything frantically. I rush through it and often do a just good enough job.

I guess we all do it because there so much to do and so little time.  We get in the habit of rushing everything to try and make it fit into the tiny little slice of life we have left to spare in a day.

We sometimes make it a competition to get something done quickly which only makes matters worse.  Who are we competing against?  Ourselves.  Not good.  I catch myself rushing everything and not even remembering that I did it.  It’s also bad for your blood pressure.

All we need to do is slow down.  Live your life deliberately and appreciate the moment.  Do a quality job that takes as much time as it takes.  It’s better for your health and whatever you are doing will be done so much better.  Enjoy the task or just appreciate a little time for relaxation.  It’s difficult but if you take the time to learn then it will totally be worth it.

You’ll experience life as it should be as everyone else in the world spins wildly around like children’s toy tops until they fall over in exhaustion.  Don’t let it happen to you.  Don’t let it happen to me.

I can’t relax

I keep yearning for the weekend to come so I can relax but I never feel like I can do it.

There’s always something to do.  There’s always something to think about.  My brain buzzes with activity constantly and it never lets me rest.  One of my life goals is to take a nap.  I have yet to achieve it satisfactorily.

It’s not, usually, until 12-1 am that I finally go to sleep an I am either woken by the alarm or naturally awake at 6:30.  That’s not much sleep.  The night goes by in a second.

I’m so tired at work and can’t wait to get home.  I get home and would love nothing better than to take a nap.  I might lie down but the nap never arrives. I’m wasting valuable time.  I jump up to do something.

My weekends are a blur of activity as I rush to accomplish all the things that can’t be done on weekdays.  The hands on the clock spin wildly as the sun streaks across the sky.

I don’t like this.  Is there any way to make it stop?  I need time to slow down again and run at normal speed like it did back in the 70s.  Doesn’t anybody notice?  Doesn’t anybody care?  If nobody does anything about it what is going to happen?  I feel so sorry for the kids of today.  There’s not much time left for them.

I guess I’m going to have to fix it for myself.  The rest of you are on your own.  I can’t help you.

Wow.  That got a bit more epic than I had planned.  I just want to relax a bit.

 

Lonely or Horny?

lnlyhrnyIt’s another weekend where I have time to rest and think about how empty my life is.  I’m not saying that work makes my life better but it certainly helps take my mind of the other mundanities of life.

I usually spend the weekend at home alone because I have nowhere else to go and nobody to spend any time with.  My thoughts drift to wondering if there is anyone out there for me.  I can sometime spend hours rehashing my thoughts and trying to make sense of my loneliness.  You might think it was simple but it is rather complex.  Maybe it’s simple for normal people but I’m far from normal.

If I really boil it down until the only the essence is left, I think it is just plain hornyness.  What happens to the brain of a 49 year old man who is still a virgin?   You can bet it’s pretty screwed up in a literal sense.   In the end, all I want is someone to touch me.  It doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it?  What kind of world is this where touching is so prohibited.

Finally, after hours of mental anguish, I end up masturbating and then all is well with the world.  I think I should probably do that early in the morning and cut out the wasted time but being horny is kind of fun on it’s own.  It’s just the lack of an outlet that makes it suck so much.   If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I sure hope it is on a planet where sex and the human body is not such a taboo.