Lonely or Horny?

lnlyhrnyIt’s another weekend where I have time to rest and think about how empty my life is.  I’m not saying that work makes my life better but it certainly helps take my mind of the other mundanities of life.

I usually spend the weekend at home alone because I have nowhere else to go and nobody to spend any time with.  My thoughts drift to wondering if there is anyone out there for me.  I can sometime spend hours rehashing my thoughts and trying to make sense of my loneliness.  You might think it was simple but it is rather complex.  Maybe it’s simple for normal people but I’m far from normal.

If I really boil it down until the only the essence is left, I think it is just plain hornyness.  What happens to the brain of a 49 year old man who is still a virgin?   You can bet it’s pretty screwed up in a literal sense.   In the end, all I want is someone to touch me.  It doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it?  What kind of world is this where touching is so prohibited.

Finally, after hours of mental anguish, I end up masturbating and then all is well with the world.  I think I should probably do that early in the morning and cut out the wasted time but being horny is kind of fun on it’s own.  It’s just the lack of an outlet that makes it suck so much.   If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I sure hope it is on a planet where sex and the human body is not such a taboo.

 

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Let go of my past?

PHOTORITED

For most of my adult life I’ve been haunted by the wonderful memories of being a kid and having friends to play with.   The fact that I no longer have any of that hurt me deeply and permanently.  I spent so many years wishing back for the good times that were past.

I just realized the other day that I think I am finally over that.  I think it helps that I’ve let go of Facebook where I was constantly reminded of the existence of my old friends who no longer want me in their lives.  I feel that I have let go of my past life and I am finally living only in the present and future.   I no longer wish for those things I had.

I’m not really sure what more to say about it other than just wanting to say something to mark the occasion of my transcendence to the next level.   I feel good.  Better for sure.

Level Up!

 

 

A hawk gave me one of his feathers.

The other day I went out for my occasional walk around the neighborhood to get some exercise.  As I was coming up my street, a hawk swooped down in front of me.  He looked at me then flew away leaving behind a large feather.  I picked it up because you don’t say no to a gift from a hawk.  It was still warm from his body.

This is a special thing.  I’m a tiny part Native American so it is even more special to me.  I wish I knew more about it but there’s not a lot of specific info in our family history.  My ancestors lived up north around Michigan so I’m thinking maybe Blackfoot.

According to Native American culture, a feather from a hawk symbolizes guardianship, strength and farsightedness. When a feather falls to earth, the Native Americans believe it carries all of the energy of its former attachment on a bird to a living being. Feathers are perceived as gifts from the sky, the sea and the trees. Feathers arrive unexpectedly, but not without purpose.

I accept this gift from my Hawk Spirit Guardian.  I will feel it’s energy and keep it forever as a reminder that someone is watching out for me from above.  I will never walk alone again.

 

 

Can I just give up?

I think I’m done.  I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore.  The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.

Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed.  The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.

That was straw the broke the camel’s back.  I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation.  I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying.  Not just looking for land but everything else.  How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy.  It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.

The struggling itself is overwhelming now.  I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying.  What if I just give up on having a friend.  Give up on retiring to the country.  Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for.  Other people have done it.  Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me.  Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed?  Is that good enough?  I’m going to have to learn to like beer.  I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need.  Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?

At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate.  If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen.  I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet.  I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.

I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland.  Beer and TV.  That’s all we need, right?  Then let it be so.  Fuck everything else.

 

What’s it like to be in love?

IMG_0274Today, being Memorial day, I wasn’t sure how to celebrate it other than just not having to go to work.  I decided that I should maybe go have some special food.  I was going to try maybe Red Robin for a burger.  I looked up the nutrition info and the basic burger there had 19 grams of saturated fat.  Way more than I usually eat but it is a special occasion.  Just for grins I looked up the nutrition for a burger and fries at Whataburger.  Only 10 Grams!  I love Whataburger and have been let down by Red Robin in the past so it was a no-brainer.  Whataburger it is!  Cheaper and better.  if you’re ever in Texas, make it a point to eat at Whataburger.  It makes places like Steak and Shake and In-n-out burger taste like McDonalds.   AWESOME!

To the point:

As I sat there I noticed a young couple sitting on the same side of the next booth.  They were probably in high school.  I marveled at what I saw.  It is difficult for me to even imagine what love feels like.  When I see things like this, I desperately want to go and ask them, “What does it feel like?”   Even if I did ask the question, I’m not sure it is a question that has a tangible answer.  How could they even respond in a manner that would make sense to me?

It made me remember something.  The last time I held hands with a girl was probably 45 years ago when I was in preschool.  My mom told me that I and a girl we carpooled with were a hot item.  I’m not sure I have any memories of this but it makes me wonder if I was normal at one point in my life.  I wonder when things changed?  I remember in third grade planning to one day marry this other girl in my class.  Things were still normal then.  I expect I lost touch with reality when my father died when I was in elementary school.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I got seriously screwed up by not having a father figure in my formative years.

To this day, I feel the desire to have a mate but don’t have the skills or mental faculties to make it happen.  I’ve surely convinced myself that I don’t want such things yet something deep inside keeps nagging me.  I wonder if it is a human nature thing or if it is external sociological influence.  Other than actually mating, it seems to me that the sociological construct of marriage is a human invention perpetrated continuously over time until it has become so normal that it is almost a requirement.

As far as it happening to me?  I don’t feel that I have what it takes to meet today’s norms.  I am a special person among an ocean of regular people.  It’s tough.  I wonder if one day that other special fish will swim into my reef and change the world.

Are you out there?

 

Out of Phase

All my life, I’ve felt out of phase with this planet.  Maybe not the planet itself but the humans that infest it.

I’m like a four dimensional being in a three dimensional world.  There’s something amazing right here but nobody can see it.  Thinking fourth-dimensionally is difficult so consider a three dimensional object in a two dimensional world.   If you could only see one face of a cube, you would see nothing but a square.  A blank face is all you can visualize while 99% of the object can never be seen.  That’s me.  The majority of me is beyond the comprehension of regular beings.  I can tell because whenever I try to share something awesome, they look at me like I’m something they’ve never seen before. You know that face they make? Like, “What?”

I’m a ghost.  If I try hard enough I can make myself visible, but without major effort, I walk the planet completely unseen.  Am I here or am I not?

Like a demon, people can summon me when they want something from me.  I’m not sure how they do it but I always seem to be there for them to work my magic and make it all better.  If they don’t need me then I cease to exist until called upon again.

What a wonderful existence.

 

 

Appreciating Awesomeness

awsmI’ve written before about the lack of other people’s ability to appreciate awesomeness.   It saddens me.

Today during a break at work, I went into the breakroom and stretched out on the couch.  I pulled out my phone and headphones and listened to a recording of my community band’s 2016 spring concert.  I listened to Danzon #2.  Listen to it here.

No.  It’s not perfect but damn!  It’s seriously good considering we is a community band made up of volunteer musicians.

As I listened to the streaming awesomeness I thought about the people I know and how not one of them appreciates it.  They don’t come to my concerts.  They don’t listen to the recordings.  They don’t give a shit.  My eyes leaked with sadness for them.

It is so difficult living in an awesome world while the zombies all around you go through life with blinders on.  I just don’t know what to do.  How do you make people stop and see the greatness?