Out of Phase

All my life, I’ve felt out of phase with this planet.  Maybe not the planet itself but the humans that infest it.

I’m like a four dimensional being in a three dimensional world.  There’s something amazing right here but nobody can see it.  Thinking fourth-dimensionally is difficult so consider a three dimensional object in a two dimensional world.   If you could only see one face of a cube, you would see nothing but a square.  A blank face is all you can visualize while 99% of the object can never be seen.  That’s me.  The majority of me is beyond the comprehension of regular beings.  I can tell because whenever I try to share something awesome, they look at me like I’m something they’ve never seen before. You know that face they make? Like, “What?”

I’m a ghost.  If I try hard enough I can make myself visible, but without major effort, I walk the planet completely unseen.  Am I here or am I not?

Like a demon, people can summon me when they want something from me.  I’m not sure how they do it but I always seem to be there for them to work my magic and make it all better.  If they don’t need me then I cease to exist until called upon again.

What a wonderful existence.



Appreciating Awesomeness

awsmI’ve written before about the lack of other people’s ability to appreciate awesomeness.   It saddens me.

Today during a break at work, I went into the breakroom and stretched out on the couch.  I pulled out my phone and headphones and listened to a recording of my community band’s 2016 spring concert.  I listened to Danzon #2.  Listen to it here.

No.  It’s not perfect but damn!  It’s seriously good considering we is a community band made up of volunteer musicians.

As I listened to the streaming awesomeness I thought about the people I know and how not one of them appreciates it.  They don’t come to my concerts.  They don’t listen to the recordings.  They don’t give a shit.  My eyes leaked with sadness for them.

It is so difficult living in an awesome world while the zombies all around you go through life with blinders on.  I just don’t know what to do.  How do you make people stop and see the greatness?




Life Goes On

There have been three deaths in my community band over the last few months.  Just last week one of our clarinet players passed away walking out to her car after rehearsal.  At least she died among friends instead of alone in an empty house.

Despite the three deaths and my near-death last year, I find myself not feeling a lot.  I wonder if it is just me or that’s the way it is.  Life comes and goes and there’s little you can do about it.  Other than these people’s close relatives, I don’t see a lot of lasting impact on others either.  The band played on just the same.  I’m guessing that it isn’t just me who has a lack of ability to care for more than a few minutes.   They all continue to go to work the next day as if nothing happened.  As if a lifetime of experiences that is suddenly lost to eternity mean absolutely nothing.

When you die, life goes on.  You will be forgotten and the world continues to turn.

It kind of makes me wonder why we struggle so hard.  We spend a third of our life in school.  We spend another third or more working 8-5 at a pointless job so we can buy pointless crap.  If we have a few years left at the end, we live out our pointless life, generally without any money left to enjoy it.  The next thing you know it’s over and you have nothing to show for it.  You can’t take any of it with you anyway.

Those who knew you will say, “Meh.” and head off to work the next morning as if nothing happened to continue the cycle until they die as well.

Dark thoughts but can you say it’s not true?


Quitting Facebook

nofbWell.. I did it. Mostly.

I quit using Facebook.  For now.

I’ve done it before and always went back.  I’m not saying that I won’t go back again but I currently have no desire.  After a few days of light withdrawal symptoms I was fine.

I deleted the apps from my iphone and ipads but left messenger just in case someone actually wanted to get ahold of me.  I haven’t checked on my PC in a few weeks now.

The main reason I quit was because I was fed up with all the fake people there who I knew in real life at one time but now exist only somewhere on the internet.  They may be bots for all I know.  I’m tired of sharing my life in hopes of someone seeing how awesome I am and wanting me but getting nothing. (more on this soon)  These people must be robots.

I give up.  Facebook is full of fakers, posers and time wasters.  I feel better having let it go.


Can I be contented

cntntmtSo we come back to this again.

My recent plan to get what I’ve always wanted came really close but no cigar.  The house I wanted to buy was just maybe too far gone to be realistic.  See previous post.

Once again I return to the bigger picture.  Would it not be OK to just be content with what I have?  Millions of people would consider my life accomplishments to be highly desirable.  Even people I know would kill to be in my shoes.  Yet still, somehow, it isn’t enough for me.  I have a dream and that dream demands to be satisfied no matter how unnecessary it may be.

My time is running out.  I’ll be 49 this year and due to hereditary heart disease, my days may be numbered.  I don’t know that for sure but you kind of have to plan for the worst case scenario.  I may not make it to the Social Security retirement age of 63.  Single people have a tendency to live shorter lives as well.  Loneliness makes life less worth striving for.  I think I may be lucky to have another 10 years left. 20 Maximum.

I don’t like living in the big city.  I don’t like working 8-5.  I don’t like paying $3000 property tax.  On the other hand, millions of other people are doing it so what makes me special?

Would it be possible to just be happy with the really nice house I have in a neighborhood full of other houses within arm’s reach of each other?  Is it good enough?  Everyone else here seems OK with it.  Why am I not OK with it?  Could I be OK with it?

Technically, I could just stay here and live out the rest of my life as is.  The backup plan is really to sit tight until my mom passes away.  At that point I would be free to move about the country at will.  She’s 86 now but in good health.  I certainly don’t want her to die and she may not for another 15 years.  That would put me dangerously close to my end of life.  If I make it that long I would not have much time left to experience life outside of San Antonio.

So should I be content now?    Surely that’s not impossible.  Rather than spending another two decades fighting reality, maybe I should welcome it and get as much as I can out of life as it is.  It’s really not all that bad considering the human condition.  It’s pretty much as good as it gets unless you win the lottery.  (Still buying tickets occasionally but it’s harder than it looks.)

I wish I wasn’t so intelligent.  Maybe I need beer.  Beer seems to do the trick for everyone else.  A little liquid mind control might be just the thing.  I hear there is legislation in the works for Texas to make marijuana legal.  That would content me out I think.  I won’t hold my breath for it though.  Texas is very conservative and uptight.

Thinking is bad. Don’t do it!  It will only lead you down the path to unhappiness.  Be content.  Right?


The Happiest I’ve Ever Felt

hppydncI don’t know what it is but suddenly I’ve felt happier than ever.  That’s pretty good since I haven’t experienced real happiness since 1977.

Maybe it is the end of the oppressive summer heat.  Maybe it is because Donald Trump won the election.  Maybe I’ve just finally let go of being depressed.  I guess all are contributing factors.

In spite of the fact that I nearly had a heart attack and have to eat vegetarian.  In spite of the fact that the future I strived for has become a pipe dream due to health factors and family duty.  Despite the fact that I’ve lost my two remaining friends.  Maybe not lost, but letting them go.  I feel better than ever.

I’m not dwelling on my past.  I’m not obsessing about my future.  I’m living in the present and it feels really good.  I’m taking life day by day and not caring about anything that doesn’t matter to me.  Sounds pretty selfish but it works!  I feel like dancing.

I sure hope I never go back.  Life is perfect as it is so let the future bring what may come.   Insert link to Pharrell Williams Happy Song on Youtube.  I’m truly happy and if you don’t like it then don’t worry.  Be Happy.

Dooo doo do dooo dooo, dooo dooo doooo doo do do do doooooooo!



Thinking is bad

thnkngIt’s the age-old lesson I keep forgetting so easily.  Even when I was far younger, I learned that thinking is bad.  Human nature seems to get in the way though.

My particular form of stress seems to come from within.  I am often at war with myself about what I think I want.  Occasionally I fall into a nice place where I just don’t think about those things.  When that happens, life feels easier and runs smoothly.  It feels really good. It always goes back to desire if you analyze it.  There will always be desire but if you can just not dwell on it then those desires just aren’t as important as you thought.  Perhaps they never were.

Reality is truly a creation of your own mind.  You can decide to wallow in stress or just let it go.

Let it goooo.  Let it gooooooo.  


Letting it go is not really that hard but life is short and if you let it go and never get it back, then you die without ever having the experience you so desired.  That’s not good either.  What is a person to do?  Logic says to find a happy medium where if you know you can never have it then you shouldn’t spend all your life stressing over it.  Can you just let something that means everything go?

Here we are thinking again.  Bad Max!  BAD boy!

I am considering that if you end up never attaining what you want then you should find something else.  Or just give it up.  If it was meant to be then it will happen.

The point here is that stress is caused by thinking.  Overthinking.  Obsessing over the impossible.  It’s not going to get you anywhere other than the hospital in one way or another.

I rather enjoy the feeling when I’m not thinking about things.  Perhaps that is what it is like for the regular people.  All those zombies I see all around me every day.  I long to be one of them.  Wandering the earth with not a care in the world other than beer, music and sex.  How sweet would that be?  Give me some of that!