Out of Phase

All my life, I’ve felt out of phase with this planet.  Maybe not the planet itself but the humans that infest it.

I’m like a four dimensional being in a three dimensional world.  There’s something amazing right here but nobody can see it.  Thinking fourth-dimensionally is difficult so consider a three dimensional object in a two dimensional world.   If you could only see one face of a cube, you would see nothing but a square.  A blank face is all you can visualize while 99% of the object can never be seen.  That’s me.  The majority of me is beyond the comprehension of regular beings.  I can tell because whenever I try to share something awesome, they look at me like I’m something they’ve never seen before. You know that face they make? Like, “What?”

I’m a ghost.  If I try hard enough I can make myself visible, but without major effort, I walk the planet completely unseen.  Am I here or am I not?

Like a demon, people can summon me when they want something from me.  I’m not sure how they do it but I always seem to be there for them to work my magic and make it all better.  If they don’t need me then I cease to exist until called upon again.

What a wonderful existence.

 

 

Life Goes On

There have been three deaths in my community band over the last few months.  Just last week one of our clarinet players passed away walking out to her car after rehearsal.  At least she died among friends instead of alone in an empty house.

Despite the three deaths and my near-death last year, I find myself not feeling a lot.  I wonder if it is just me or that’s the way it is.  Life comes and goes and there’s little you can do about it.  Other than these people’s close relatives, I don’t see a lot of lasting impact on others either.  The band played on just the same.  I’m guessing that it isn’t just me who has a lack of ability to care for more than a few minutes.   They all continue to go to work the next day as if nothing happened.  As if a lifetime of experiences that is suddenly lost to eternity mean absolutely nothing.

When you die, life goes on.  You will be forgotten and the world continues to turn.

It kind of makes me wonder why we struggle so hard.  We spend a third of our life in school.  We spend another third or more working 8-5 at a pointless job so we can buy pointless crap.  If we have a few years left at the end, we live out our pointless life, generally without any money left to enjoy it.  The next thing you know it’s over and you have nothing to show for it.  You can’t take any of it with you anyway.

Those who knew you will say, “Meh.” and head off to work the next morning as if nothing happened to continue the cycle until they die as well.

Dark thoughts but can you say it’s not true?

 

Quitting Facebook

nofbWell.. I did it. Mostly.

I quit using Facebook.  For now.

I’ve done it before and always went back.  I’m not saying that I won’t go back again but I currently have no desire.  After a few days of light withdrawal symptoms I was fine.

I deleted the apps from my iphone and ipads but left messenger just in case someone actually wanted to get ahold of me.  I haven’t checked on my PC in a few weeks now.

The main reason I quit was because I was fed up with all the fake people there who I knew in real life at one time but now exist only somewhere on the internet.  They may be bots for all I know.  I’m tired of sharing my life in hopes of someone seeing how awesome I am and wanting me but getting nothing. (more on this soon)  These people must be robots.

I give up.  Facebook is full of fakers, posers and time wasters.  I feel better having let it go.

 

Shopping Spree

shppnspre.jpgWow!  I’ve really gone on a shopping spree over the last few days.

I spent $1200 on solar panels and inverters.

$120 on a new rear hatch handle for my Prius.

$50 on some nifty new flame effect bulbs for the front of my house.

$120 for a new video capture box.

Cha Ching.  Cha Ching.  And the month is only half over.

Oh well.  That’s the thing about money.  You don’t feel it unless it is moving.  That’s not exactly like me but every once in a while it’s good to just buy the crap you need and want.  Funny how a little retail therapy works wonders.

My First Therapist

thrpstA few weeks ago I got a call from someone who likely got my name off of some Cardiac Patient registry.  It is basically a combination of Psychological help and Sociological.  Something I’ve needed for a long time anyway so I went along with it.  Apparently my insurance pays most or all of it.

I’ve had two phone sessions with a therapist so far.  It has mostly been a get-to-know-you thing so far but whatever it is, it feels good to have someone to talk to.  A blog is nice but one really needs some human touch.

I’m still not entirely sure what is going on with this service but it seems legit so far.  I really don’t think anyone can help me so I am dubious.  I’m hoping to be able to get something out of it at least.  I’m not like regular people with regular mundane problems.  So far, other than just having someone to talk to, I really haven’t learned anything I don’t already know.

Hoping for the best.

Heading down a bad path

bdpthI am heading down a bad path mentally.  It’s going to take a serious quantity of happy thinking to get me back on track.

I had better experience an act of kindness from a friend or stranger soon or I’m going to totally lose my faith in humanity and everything good.

My whole life has been spent giving to others and never receiving even the simple things that a person needs to survive.  I don’t want your thanks.  I don’t want your money. I don’t want lame gifts. I want you to nourish my soul and make my life worth living.

Right now I am on the verge of reaching the point of no return and I’m scared.  Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.  I do NOT want to spend any time with friends or family other than my mom.  I don’t want to talk to them.  I don’t want to see them.  I am seconds away from deleting Facebook from my phone and tablet.   Every single time that I have spent time or communicated with others I have regretted it in one way or another.  I leave the situation feeling like my soul has been sucked out leaving my desiccated corpse lying in the dirt.

I am happiest by myself doing fun projects and keeping it awesome.  I guess that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.  I like to be alone.  It’s the best.

Thinking happy thoughts really hard….

 

 

A new plane of existence

plnofxnc.jpgLately I have a feeling that I am different.  It’s almost like I’ve moved to new plane of existence.  I’m not sure it’s a good thing though.

Maybe it is good.  I guess it depends upon your point of view.  Perhaps it is just the winter chill-out I usually experience each year but I feel no desire or need to be around other people.  The desire for a friend has been the bane of my existence for many decades now and right now, it’s the last thing I want.

I feel satisfied to be alone with my plans and plots. So many fun things to do when you are not burdened by the demands of others.  I get a holiday next Monday for MLK and I sure hope nobody tries to spoil it by sending me the dreaded question, “What are you doing on Monday?”  Especially because what that question really means is, “Will you give up your holiday to fix some shit for me?”  Thank you.  No.

I really have no desire to be around people. They just have nothing at all to offer.  In fact the more I look at them, the more disgusted I become.  I’m not saying that I’m above them because I look at myself and the whole process of being human disgusts me just as much.  It’s much better if you don’t think about it.

Anyway.  I am home from work and in my Fortress of Solitude and I love it so much.  I never want to leave the house again.  It’s a beautiful feeling to be where you’re supposed to be and not be required to do anything for anyone or be something you don’t want to be.  Thank you very much.

This blog entry brought to you by the word, “Much.”  A word which the more you look at it, the funnier it gets.