I am my own worst enemy

After spending the last two days wallowing in the mud pit of depression I went to bed having given up on everything.  This morning, as with most mornings, I awoke refreshed and feeling good.

If you are ever depressed or hurting in any way, I highly recommend a nice shower and sleep.  There’s something about a good shower that seems to wash away more than just dirt.  That, followed by a nice long night of sleep, helps you forget your pain.

It’s not new to me but I seem to keep forgetting that I am my own worst enemy.  If I could just leave myself alone I would be perfectly happy.  A long time ago,  I named my evil twin, Malus.  He’s a real bastard somebitch who’s entire being is to follow me around and insult me.  He tells me horrible things and I usually end up believing him because I have nobody else to tell me otherwise.  Every once in a while I can lose him but he knows where I live so it’s never a permanent solution.

This week I’m going to do my best to push him away and not let him get to me.  I really want to feel good about myself.  I really need it.  I hope it’s not too late.

 

Can I just give up?

I think I’m done.  I don’t have the energy to struggle anymore.  The more I struggle, the tighter it gets. I’m stressed out and frustrated with everything my life stands for.

Today I drove, once again, 400 miles to look at retirement land out in the country only to be disappointed.  The price was right but it just wasn’t what I am looking for.

That was straw the broke the camel’s back.  I drove home dejected and angry as I fought through the Saturday traffic jam caused by overpopulation.  I had a lot of time to try to think and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of trying.  Not just looking for land but everything else.  How can you fight against a universe that is intent on making you unhappy.  It pushes back every time I try to achieve my dreams.

The struggling itself is overwhelming now.  I am tired and don’t have the energy to keep trying.  What if I just give up on having a friend.  Give up on retiring to the country.  Give up on all the little things I strive to do but don’t have time for.  Other people have done it.  Can I just become one of the regular zombie people who surround me.  Those who are satisfied to get up, go to work, come home, drink beer and go to bed?  Is that good enough?  I’m going to have to learn to like beer.  I’ve avoided it all my life because it is such a common thing to do but maybe beer is what I need.  Is it the thing that makes them satisfied?

At the same time, time is slipping by at an alarming rate.  If I don’t try then it is guaranteed to never happen.  I wish I wasn’t the only real person on this planet.  I would sure like to talk to someone who isn’t a hologram programmed to piss me off.

I’m ready to let it go and just slip away into nothingness here in the suburban wasteland.  Beer and TV.  That’s all we need, right?  Then let it be so.  Fuck everything else.

 

Coming to a complete standstill

This evening was our Community Band Movie Night concert.  We play for about an hour before it gets dark enough to start the movie.  It has become a popular event.

I’ve been feeling down all day and even called in sick because I couldn’t stand another day at work this week.  I mostly sat around and watched TV and movies.  I really needed the rest, both physically and mentally.  The boss wasn’t happy but neither was I.

After the concert I stopped by the grocery store for a few things.  I was hoping the concert would pick me up but it didn’t help much.  I was still feeling depressed.  I don’t know exactly why.  I slowly trudged through the aisles in a partial fog trying to get the things I needed.  At one point I slowed down and came to a complete stop in the middle of an aisle.  I just stood there staring into nothingness.  I could have curled up into a ball on the floor and cried.  I could have spent hours standing there like a statue but didn’t want to freak people out so I forced myself back into motion.

I wish I knew exactly what my problem is.  I think it is a combination of many things that has, over the years, become a fog.  I can no longer pick out anything in particular that I can come up with a solution to.  I think it is a combination of the following solution-less issues:

  1. Loneliness
  2. Emptiness
  3. Pointlessness
  4. Futurelessness
  5. Tiredness

They are all things that I can do nothing about so I try to ignore them.  I know that bottling them up and putting them on the shelf in the back of the freezer is not a solution but it’s all I can do.  I wish somebody would help me.  I could really use a nice long hug right now.

 

Dreamblog – My Brother’s Suicide

vcmtrkWarning: Disturbing.

My brother must have had some kind of terminal disease or something.  He came into the room where we were sitting and took something or did something that would keep him from breathing.  He was fine at first but then started freaking out before collapsing on the floor.  Everyone got up and walked away leaving his body right there.

They started going through all his belongings and fighting over who was going to get what.  I walked away and felt tears running down my cheeks thinking about how nobody even cared about him.

I walked over to an area that looked like some kind of band stand.  Some kind of guard was standing there in a marching band uniform and handed me a flower on a super long stem.  I reached for a stack of plastic chairs so I could sit down.  A truck had pulled up and used a large rubber tube to suck up his body.  It got stuck and the vacuum ripped his body apart.  Black goo flew everywhere including on me.  I went to a puddle of water in the street to wash some of it off.  There were fish in the puddle.

That was one of my more disturbing dreams.  Usually they are just weird.  I wonder if it is some kind of reflection of my psyche.  I imagine my brother was actually me.

Read more of my dreams.

 

What’s it like to be in love?

IMG_0274Today, being Memorial day, I wasn’t sure how to celebrate it other than just not having to go to work.  I decided that I should maybe go have some special food.  I was going to try maybe Red Robin for a burger.  I looked up the nutrition info and the basic burger there had 19 grams of saturated fat.  Way more than I usually eat but it is a special occasion.  Just for grins I looked up the nutrition for a burger and fries at Whataburger.  Only 10 Grams!  I love Whataburger and have been let down by Red Robin in the past so it was a no-brainer.  Whataburger it is!  Cheaper and better.  if you’re ever in Texas, make it a point to eat at Whataburger.  It makes places like Steak and Shake and In-n-out burger taste like McDonalds.   AWESOME!

To the point:

As I sat there I noticed a young couple sitting on the same side of the next booth.  They were probably in high school.  I marveled at what I saw.  It is difficult for me to even imagine what love feels like.  When I see things like this, I desperately want to go and ask them, “What does it feel like?”   Even if I did ask the question, I’m not sure it is a question that has a tangible answer.  How could they even respond in a manner that would make sense to me?

It made me remember something.  The last time I held hands with a girl was probably 45 years ago when I was in preschool.  My mom told me that I and a girl we carpooled with were a hot item.  I’m not sure I have any memories of this but it makes me wonder if I was normal at one point in my life.  I wonder when things changed?  I remember in third grade planning to one day marry this other girl in my class.  Things were still normal then.  I expect I lost touch with reality when my father died when I was in elementary school.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I got seriously screwed up by not having a father figure in my formative years.

To this day, I feel the desire to have a mate but don’t have the skills or mental faculties to make it happen.  I’ve surely convinced myself that I don’t want such things yet something deep inside keeps nagging me.  I wonder if it is a human nature thing or if it is external sociological influence.  Other than actually mating, it seems to me that the sociological construct of marriage is a human invention perpetrated continuously over time until it has become so normal that it is almost a requirement.

As far as it happening to me?  I don’t feel that I have what it takes to meet today’s norms.  I am a special person among an ocean of regular people.  It’s tough.  I wonder if one day that other special fish will swim into my reef and change the world.

Are you out there?

 

Too much sleep?

slpngI have an idea.

I’ve spent my whole life feeling that I am not getting enough sleep.  Every morning, getting out of bed has been extremely difficult.  I get around 7 hours of pretty good quality sleep each night but I wake up desperately tired and angry at the world for making me get out of bed.

I wonder if maybe I am getting too much sleep.  Everyone’s needs are different and maybe mine are too.  Sometimes after taking a 15 minute nap I wake up feeling refreshed.  A full night’s sleep does not refresh me. Something not right here.

I usually wake up a few times a night and maybe go to the restroom.  I notice that during those wakeups, I don’t feel so tired.  I think I’m going to try a new experiment.  I’m going to just get up and do something for a while.  If I feel tired I’ll go back to bed until the alarm goes off.  It couldn’t hurt to try and I might enjoy it.

The shortness of waking time I am allowed weighs heavily on me and having a little more would be really nice.  I think I might give it a shot for a few days and see what happens.  It might also help me to fall asleep more quickly at bedtime.

Science!!!

A few weeks later…

Yeah.  That’s not happening.  I am not feeling like staying out of bed in the middle of the night.  Nevermind.

Sadness Pangs?

Lately I’ve been experiencing what seem to be pangs of sadness.  It’s kind of like a pinprick in my brain right between my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling and hard to describe.  It’s like my eyes want to cry.  It comes randomly and then disappears immediately.

I can only guess that it is 40 years worth of repressed sadness, frustration, emptiness trying to escape.  I wonder if I have reached my capacity for storing it all up.  How much room is left?  What happens when I’m completely full?  I expect one would need to cry to let it out but I seem to be incapable.  The last time I came close to crying it took major effort to sustain it for less than a minute.  Still it felt fake and was completely ineffective.

Is there something other than crying to relieve the pressure?

Sucks.