External Validation

I’ve spent most of my life experiencing low self-esteem.  I blame it on the loss of my father when I was a boy and the subsequent loss of friends and family.  Yeah.  Sad story but who cares.

Even though my last job sucked, I at least had a good source of external validation.  This job lacks even that.  All I hear about is what I’ve done wrong.  There’s no appreciation for all the great things I do every day.  Perhaps because I’m not the kind of guy who toots his own horn.  I’ve always been a person who works in the background to make the world a better place for everyone else.  I don’t go out looking for appreciation.  If others are happy then I’m happy.

However… Sometimes it’s nice to be appreciated.  When you are lonely the chances of being appreciated are minimal.  The answer here is to realize that external validation, though nice, is not really necessary.  Confirming your sense of self-worth is best accomplished through inner appreciation.

I’ve done a pretty decent job of appreciating my own incredible accomplishments but I’m sure I could get to be better at it.  I’m going to make it a point to celebrate my awesomeness whenever it appears.  How, I’m not sure.  Maybe a verbal attaboy and pat on the back.  Food?  Better not.  Shopping?  Meh.  Better keep it psychological.  The point is to make something of it and make it memorable.  Maybe an achievement log.  That sounds like a good idea.  Something to refer to on those low days.

I’m not to the point of depression.  I successfully beat that a few years ago.  I think, overall, I’m handling things rather well.  I know that I am my best admirer and that’s all that counts.  Yes, it hurts when others don’t see it but you can’t force it upon them.  If they don’t get it then they are not worth it anyway.  Now I’m just rambling.  Time for bed.


Where are the open-minded people?

I think one of the reasons I feel so alone in this world is that I am surrounded by closed minds.  I am unable to talk openly with my closest acquaintances because they have minds that are programmed in Read Only Memory.

There’s nothing worse than getting that “look” when you say something that is out of the ordinary.  That look that you get when they just can’t comprehend anything different than what they are programmed for.  Like you’ve blown their mind.  Once you get that look, you have to stop because if you continue then they will surely burst into flame or shut down due to overload.

As a result, I have to keep all my amazing thoughts and desires secret.  That really sucks because bottling up awesomeness can cause a psychological embolism.  One day soon I surely hope to find someone who is alive inside before I become dead inside.

So where do you find real, live, open-minded people?  Where are they?  Are they hiding from the zombies like I am?  Do they put on the same common-man facade so the zombies will let them be?  Fans of The Walking Dead will know the trick of covering yourself with zombie guts and blood so that you will smell like one of them and be able to walk among them to get to safety.  It’s like that.  I’m tired of being covered in zombie guts

I wonder if we can come up with some kind of secret sign or symbol.  Something like a Freemason’s ring that can indicate to others than you are one of them.

A ring could be good.  It needs to be a symbol that can be worn on a shirt.  Maybe on a flag.  We need something.

I just did a Google image search on “open mind symbol” and this one caught my eye.  The web page it is on mentions open mind but there’s not much there.  I like it.

It is kind of reminiscent of The Deathly Hallows. That could be a good thing.  What do you think?  It’s kind of basic and could possibly be stylized a bit.  Any open-minded artists out there?  It doesn’t necessarily HAVE to be this image.  Something like it.

I also ran across the silhouette of a man with a hinged cranium but that’s too spot-on.  It needs to be more mysterious and not immediately obvious to the zombies.

Let’s start a new thing!  This can be real.  We don’t have to hide.  We just need a way to find each other.

Bad Review

I went back and forth with myself on whether to write about this but I need to tell someone. It’s not good to keep things totally bottled up inside. Even if I don’t have anyone to talk to, it helps to blog it and let it out.

I had my three-year review today at work.  I didn’t expect it to be good due to the recent bad-blood between my boss and I.  We clashed a bit over the last few months as I was feeling overwhelmed and he just kept piling it on.  We had a little chat last week and have pretty much ironed it out.  It was too late for my review though.  He had already submitted it last month.

I expected him to be somewhat vindictive and I wasn’t disappointed.  He nitpicked everything and blew it all out of proportion.  I did still get a raise due to the calculative manner of the review procedure.  It was 2.5% which is not all that bad.  I don’t really care about the money.  Had I got no raise it would not have mattered much.  I don’t need more money. What DID matter was the bruising of my ego and damage to my self-esteem.

I work my ass off every day.  I go from one thing to the next and don’t even take a break.  I feel guilty about going to lunch. At the end of the day, I’m completely worn out mentally and physically.  It was painful to see that it was mostly in vain.

What hurts most is that I take pride in my work.  I work efficiently.  I work with the user’s needs in mind.  When I am told that I’m not doing a good job it really bothers me because I know that I AM doing a good job.  A better job than most people would do in my position.  Being constantly overwhelmed makes doing the perfect job virtually impossible.  I am doing the best anyone can do in this environment.  It’s kind of the feeling you get when your dad is disappointed with you even though you’ve done the very best you can and thought  you had succeeded.  He only sees the failure.

The boss did indicate that he was sorry about what he had written and it was too late to make any changes.  I understood and don’t hold it completely against him.  It’s human nature.  Still, there’s mental damage deep down.  I’m sure I can overcome it with time.  Time heals all wounds as they say.  Such has been proven time and time again in my experience.  Sleep can do wonders as well.  I took a little ZZZQuil to help me drift off tonight.  We’ll see how much better I feel in the morning.  Each day is Groundhog Day anyway.  I put my review at the bottom of a stack of papers in my computer room.

Self-Esteem has always been a problem issue with me.  I should be used to it.  A regular person might cry or go into deep depression or perhaps rage.  Other than an annoying buzz of sadness, I don’t feel any outrageous reaction.  I’m an adult now, technically, anyway.

So what am I to do next?  I only have 10 months left before I semi-retire so switching jobs seems overkill.  It’s not all that bad I guess.  As always, it could be worse.  I think I’ll just do my best to shrug it off and put on a happy face.

Like I said, I don’t hold it against my boss.  I’m open to the fresh start we are already experiencing.  I might work a little less hard and cut out the unnecessary duties.  Take a break each day and reduce the stress a bit.  I think a good plan would be to “Work smarter, not harder.”  I’m not a Machiavellian planner.  That takes too much energy and thought.  I just want to do a good job and lean toward feeling positive about going to work each day.  There’s not a lot of mental reward where I work.  I’ve done my best to hand out compliments to those who deserve them.  It’s better to give than receive anyway.

Boy I’m full of proverbs today.  Strangely enough, they are apt.

I feel better.  Thank you for letting me tell you about my petty, first-world problems.  It really does help to let them out.



All The Regular People

Today was a beautiful warm and sunny November day in San Antonio.  I had nothing I really needed to do so it seemed like it was a good time to go get some exercise and meet people.

I loaded my bicycle into my car and took it a few miles down the road to a nice greenbelt area that the city has created for walking and riding.  There are always plenty of people there.  I was wearing only my little short shorts so I could feel the wonderful sun on my skin.  I rode down the way for 3.25 miles passing a large number of people who ignored me completely.

If you were a girl and you saw a nice looking white guy riding a bicycle in short shorts and no shirt, wouldn’t you be attracted enough to at least notice?  I’m dumbfounded.  These regular people are total idiots.

No wonder I am destined to be lonely.  Regular people can’t see those of us who are truly special.  We resonate at a much higher frequency that seems to be out of the range of their vision.  I may be up in the infrared region of the spectrum.  That explains why I’m so HOT!

It’s really tough living amongst them.  You really have to fight to be seen.  It tires me out.  It takes more energy than I have just to become visible.  I’m exhausted.  I think I should just settle down and stick to my own plane of existence.  It is so much easier.

Well.  If nothing else, I got in 6.5 miles of exercise today.  That’s something.  Good to help keep my lonely heart beating a little longer.



10.5 Years of Blogging

tnyrckI just noticed that I’ve been doing this blog for 10 and a half years now.  WOW!  That’s a lot of words and thoughts.

My first entry back in April of 2007 was about crippling loneliness.  I haven’t cracked that issue yet but I’ve come a long way from what I was back then.   I’m only lonely.  Not crippled about it anymore.

I’m not depressed anymore.  That was a bitch of a fight but I won!  This blog was a crucial tool in helping me work through it.  I’m sure I would be dead without it.  Thanks WordPress!  You probably saved my life.

A lot of neat stuff has happened and I built a lot of things.  Certain pages have become very popular but most are lost in the noise.  Every once in a while I go back and read and enjoy all the great writings I did.  It’s all for me anyway.  If you happen to see it and it makes your life better, then Bonus!

Here’s to another 10 years!




I can’t relax

I keep yearning for the weekend to come so I can relax but I never feel like I can do it.

There’s always something to do.  There’s always something to think about.  My brain buzzes with activity constantly and it never lets me rest.  One of my life goals is to take a nap.  I have yet to achieve it satisfactorily.

It’s not, usually, until 12-1 am that I finally go to sleep an I am either woken by the alarm or naturally awake at 6:30.  That’s not much sleep.  The night goes by in a second.

I’m so tired at work and can’t wait to get home.  I get home and would love nothing better than to take a nap.  I might lie down but the nap never arrives. I’m wasting valuable time.  I jump up to do something.

My weekends are a blur of activity as I rush to accomplish all the things that can’t be done on weekdays.  The hands on the clock spin wildly as the sun streaks across the sky.

I don’t like this.  Is there any way to make it stop?  I need time to slow down again and run at normal speed like it did back in the 70s.  Doesn’t anybody notice?  Doesn’t anybody care?  If nobody does anything about it what is going to happen?  I feel so sorry for the kids of today.  There’s not much time left for them.

I guess I’m going to have to fix it for myself.  The rest of you are on your own.  I can’t help you.

Wow.  That got a bit more epic than I had planned.  I just want to relax a bit.



Mentally Exhausted

I find myself unable to relax anymore.  When the weekend comes I spend my whole time busying myself physically.  When there’s finally time to rest, I spend it with my mind racing to find solutions to my unfulfillable desires of friendship and retirement.

It’s stupid because I’ve already spent years processing the algorithm but it always ends up in an infinite loop.  My mind buzzes:

10 Try to figure it out
20 IF not figured out GOTO 10

Suddenly it’s Monday again and I have to go to work.  I wake up feeling like I’ve had absolutely no rest.  I wish I could shut it off.  It has been so long I can’t even imagine what it might feel like for my brain to be idle.   No matter where I go or what I do, the program is running.  I’m getting desperate to turn it off.  Drugs maybe?  What can I do?

There’s only so much that physical distraction can accomplish.  I usually end up doing both.  Really sucks.