I’m going to be open about something. Perhaps more open than I should be but how else is a person supposed to understand himself?
I’ve spent so many years trying to makes sense of this. I’m 47 and still a virgin. The Pope has had more sex than I have. I’m sure the people around me wonder just as much as I do whether or not I am gay.
There’s no doubt I may appear gay. I love speedos, short shorts, tank tops and nudity. It pains me that these things fall into the category of gay though because I don’t see them that way. To me they are just pure awesomeness. Of course clothes, or lack of them do not make a man gay.
The dictionary defines gay as, “sexually attracted to someone who is the same sex”.
So, am I attracted to men? I am attracted to the idea of being in love with a man but looking at men in reality is mostly a turn-off. I can NOT see myself kissing or cuddling another real man. I would not be opposed to some sexual experimentation but only if he met strict criteria. ex: young, no body hair, no bald head, no facial hair. Even then, I like the idea better than the reality.
I can’t see myself “Loving” another man. I’m not interested in getting married to a guy. The closest relationship I would want would be BFFWB. (Best Friend Forever With Benefits). I find it difficult to find a BFF who likes the same things and activities that I do. Adding the WB would be astronomically impossible. Still, It’s what I want.
Now, to make things far more confusing, I can’t say that I am NOT attracted to women. I’ve been to Colorado and seen beautiful white women who I could seriously imagine dating and being married to. Even having children. Why Colorado? Because the women in Texas are primarily Hispanic. I am NOT attracted to Hispanic women. In fact, they gross me out. They look, in my mind, like sluts. I consider it the primary reason I feel that I may be gay. Because the women I see every day turn me off.
To make it even MORE confusing, I’m more in love with the idea of being in love with a woman than I am with being in love with a real woman. Real women are a pain in the ass. I don’t have the energy it would take to make a girlfriend happy. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea how. I never dated in school. I remember telling myself each year, “Next year you’re going to find a girlfriend.” 37 years later, that never happened.
I’ve spent time with girls. I had a friend who was a girl in high school, we spent a lot of time together but it was never anything close to sexual. We were just friends. She’s gay now. I wonder if I caused that.
I have a couple of friends who are girls now but there is no feeling of anything other than friendship. Probably my fault but they just aren’t the right type. I don’t feel it. Not to say that I haven’t fantasized but like I said before, fantasy and real life are two different things.
I’ve been “hit on” by a few guys over the years. They were obviously gay and I’m not into that for sure. If I was going to be gay for someone they would have to be mostly masculine. Like a close friend. I had to turn them down because I just don’t see myself that way.
To make matters more difficult, I am invisible. For the most part, the general public cannot see me. I have a bad self-image. Even as a kid, I’ve always thought of myself as physically ugly. Now I look back at pictures of myself and see that I was not ugly. I’m ugly now though. When I’m 70 I’ll probably look back at my 47 year old self and think I was handsome and I wasted my youth. I’ll probably be right but that doesn’t help me now. A poor self-image is a bugger to get rid of. They say sex goes a long way in making you feel like you are worthy. Well…. Catch 22.
I contribute partially my love for skimpy clothing as one of the few ways I can get someone to even look at me. Even if it is not in a positive way. My logic tells me that if a guy or a girl is attracted to me in my little speedo or short shorts then that person is the kind of person I am looking for. They get it! They pass the first test. The sad part is that such awesomeness is not publicly accepted. Most people yell at me. How screwed up is that?
One reason I might lean toward gayness is that it is far easier to have sex with a guy. With a woman you have to go through all sorts of shit. With a guy, you just have to say, “Fuck me! However, what damage to what’s left of my self-image could that do?
Yes, you may say that I am overthinking something that is so simple for regular people. Just go out and find a girl or guy. Well, I just can’t do that. What if I found a person that had the basic requirements but did not fit the important requirement like being a nudist? I would be incredibly unhappy in that relationship. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to wear clothes all the time.
There’s no doubt that I am missing what is referred to as Male Bonding. I lost my father when I was 9. I lost my friends when we went to high school. I’ve had no opportunity to have a proper male influence on my life. I consider myself to be, for the most part, manly-ish. I am highly experienced and skilled in the manly arts of woodworking, welding, auto repair, yardwork, etc. I’ve done rather well for myself by myself considering what I’ve had to work with. Social skills, not so much.
So, am I gay or not? The question or answer itself isn’t that important but I need to know which way to go from here.
So what do I want? I think I would like a robot wife and robot children with a robot dog. All as authentic looking as the real things but completely synthetic and programmable. I would also like a robot male friend. Better yet, a clone of myself. He would appreciate awesomeness the same way I do. How sweet would that be?
That’s not reality. It’s not going to happen in my lifetime so I would be wasting my life desiring it. Yet, there it is. We want what we want.
Now that I’ve laid it out. I don’t think I’ve come to any useful conclusion or psychiatric breakthrough. I’m still confused. I’m still lost. I’m still invisible.
In a better universe, people would be more the same. They would all be pretty and appreciate awesomeness. Maybe in my next reincarnation I will chose the right universe.