Can I be contented

cntntmtSo we come back to this again.

My recent plan to get what I’ve always wanted came really close but no cigar.  The house I wanted to buy was just maybe too far gone to be realistic.  See previous post.

Once again I return to the bigger picture.  Would it not be OK to just be content with what I have?  Millions of people would consider my life accomplishments to be highly desirable.  Even people I know would kill to be in my shoes.  Yet still, somehow, it isn’t enough for me.  I have a dream and that dream demands to be satisfied no matter how unnecessary it may be.

My time is running out.  I’ll be 49 this year and due to hereditary heart disease, my days may be numbered.  I don’t know that for sure but you kind of have to plan for the worst case scenario.  I may not make it to the Social Security retirement age of 63.  Single people have a tendency to live shorter lives as well.  Loneliness makes life less worth striving for.  I think I may be lucky to have another 10 years left. 20 Maximum.

I don’t like living in the big city.  I don’t like working 8-5.  I don’t like paying $3000 property tax.  On the other hand, millions of other people are doing it so what makes me special?

Would it be possible to just be happy with the really nice house I have in a neighborhood full of other houses within arm’s reach of each other?  Is it good enough?  Everyone else here seems OK with it.  Why am I not OK with it?  Could I be OK with it?

Technically, I could just stay here and live out the rest of my life as is.  The backup plan is really to sit tight until my mom passes away.  At that point I would be free to move about the country at will.  She’s 86 now but in good health.  I certainly don’t want her to die and she may not for another 15 years.  That would put me dangerously close to my end of life.  If I make it that long I would not have much time left to experience life outside of San Antonio.

So should I be content now?    Surely that’s not impossible.  Rather than spending another two decades fighting reality, maybe I should welcome it and get as much as I can out of life as it is.  It’s really not all that bad considering the human condition.  It’s pretty much as good as it gets unless you win the lottery.  (Still buying tickets occasionally but it’s harder than it looks.)

I wish I wasn’t so intelligent.  Maybe I need beer.  Beer seems to do the trick for everyone else.  A little liquid mind control might be just the thing.  I hear there is legislation in the works for Texas to make marijuana legal.  That would content me out I think.  I won’t hold my breath for it though.  Texas is very conservative and uptight.

Thinking is bad. Don’t do it!  It will only lead you down the path to unhappiness.  Be content.  Right?



Why is everybody driving so slowly?

slwdrvrI’m not a speed demon.  I drive a Prius.  When I was young, everybody drove fast.  People bought muscle-cars and drove as fast as possible.

There seems to be something weird going on these days.  Everyone is driving excessively slow.  It is starting to drive me crazy and I’m wondering if there is some kind of conspiracy against me.

I’m not looking to drive really fast.  I just want to drive near the speed limit.  Is that too much to ask?  On the 45MPH street where I work, people insist on going 30 with nobody in front of them.  Seriously?  Move the hell over!

I don’t expect to go fast on the highway because it is all backed up but when I get to a residential street where the limit is 30, I don’t want to have to go 20 behind someone who then proceeds to come to a complete stop before creeping over a speed bump.

Insanity!  I don’t get it.  I think I’m losing my mind.  This is possibly proof that the world is really a simulation where I am the only real person and somebody is in control of pissing me off for some kind of bizarre, high tech, psychological experiment.


Am I gay?

wrdbyI’m going to be open about something.  Perhaps more open than I should be but how else is a person supposed to understand himself?

I’ve spent so many years trying to makes sense of this.  I’m 47 and still a virgin.  The Pope has had more sex than I have.  I’m sure the people around me wonder just as much as I do whether or not I am gay.

There’s no doubt I may appear gay.  I love speedos, short shorts, tank tops and nudity.  It pains me that these things fall into the category of gay though because I don’t see them that way.  To me they are just pure awesomeness. Of course clothes, or lack of them do not make a man gay.

The dictionary defines gay as, “sexually attracted to someone who is the same sex”.

So, am I attracted to men?  I am attracted to the idea of being in love with a man but looking at men in reality is mostly a turn-off.   I can NOT see myself kissing or cuddling another real man.  I would not be opposed to some sexual experimentation but only if he met strict criteria.  ex: young, no body hair, no bald head, no facial hair.   Even then, I like the idea better than the reality.

I can’t see myself “Loving” another man.  I’m not interested in getting married to a guy.  The closest relationship I would want would be BFFWB. (Best Friend Forever With Benefits).  I find it difficult to find a BFF who likes the same things and activities that I do.  Adding the WB would be astronomically impossible.  Still, It’s what I want.

Now, to make things far more confusing,  I can’t say that I am NOT attracted to women.  I’ve been to Colorado and seen beautiful white women who I could seriously imagine dating and being married to.  Even having children.  Why Colorado?  Because the women in Texas are primarily Hispanic.  I am NOT attracted to Hispanic women.  In fact, they gross me out. They look, in my mind, like sluts.  I consider it the primary reason I feel that I may be gay.  Because the women I see every day turn me off.

To make it even MORE confusing, I’m more in love with the idea of being in love with a woman than I am with being in love with a real woman.  Real women are a pain in the ass.  I don’t have the energy it would take to make a girlfriend happy.  Not to mention the fact that I have no idea how.  I never dated in school.  I remember telling myself each year, “Next year you’re going to find a girlfriend.” 37 years later, that never happened.

I’ve spent time with girls.  I had a friend who was a girl in high school, we spent a lot of time together but it was never anything close to sexual.  We were just friends.  She’s gay now.  I wonder if I caused that.

I have a couple of friends who are girls now but there is no feeling of anything other than friendship.  Probably my fault but they just aren’t the right type.  I don’t feel it.  Not to say that I haven’t fantasized but like I said before, fantasy and real life are two different things.

I’ve been “hit on” by a few guys over the years.  They were obviously gay and I’m not into that for sure.  If I was going to be gay for someone they would have to be mostly masculine.  Like a close friend.  I had to turn them down because I just don’t see myself that way.

To make matters more difficult, I am invisible.  For the most part, the general public cannot see me.  I have a bad self-image.  Even as a kid, I’ve always thought of myself as physically ugly.  Now I look back at pictures of myself and see that I was not ugly.  I’m ugly now though.  When I’m 70 I’ll probably look back at my 47 year old self and think I was handsome and I wasted my youth.  I’ll probably be right but that doesn’t help me now.  A poor self-image is a bugger to get rid of.  They say sex goes a long way in making you feel like you are worthy.  Well…. Catch 22.

I contribute partially my love for skimpy clothing as one of the few ways I can get someone to even look at me.  Even if it is not in a positive way.  My logic tells me that if a guy or a girl is attracted to me in my little speedo or short shorts then that person is the kind of person I am looking for.  They get it!   They pass the first test.  The sad part is that such awesomeness is not publicly accepted.  Most people yell at me.  How screwed up is that?

One reason I might lean toward gayness is that it is far easier to have sex with a guy.  With a woman you have to go through all sorts of shit.  With a guy, you just have to say, “Fuck me!  However, what damage to what’s left of my self-image could that do?

Yes, you may say that I am overthinking something that is so simple for regular people.  Just go out and find a girl or guy.  Well, I just can’t do that.  What if I found a person that had the basic requirements but did not fit the important requirement like being a nudist?  I would be incredibly unhappy in that relationship.  I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to wear clothes all the time.

There’s no doubt that I am missing what is referred to as Male Bonding.  I lost my father when I was 9.  I lost my friends when we went to high school.  I’ve had no opportunity to have a proper male influence on my life.  I consider myself to be, for the most part, manly-ish.  I am highly experienced and skilled in the manly arts of woodworking, welding, auto repair, yardwork, etc.   I’ve done rather well for myself by myself considering what I’ve had to work with.  Social skills, not so much.

So, am I gay or not?  The question or answer itself isn’t that important but I need to know which way to go from here.

So what do I want?  I think I would like a robot wife and robot children with a robot dog.  All as authentic looking as the real things but completely synthetic and programmable.  I would also like a robot male friend.  Better yet, a clone of myself.  He would appreciate awesomeness the same way I do.  How sweet would that be?

That’s not reality.  It’s not going to happen in my lifetime so I would be wasting my life desiring it.  Yet, there it is.  We want what we want.

Now that I’ve laid it out.  I don’t think I’ve come to any useful conclusion or psychiatric breakthrough.  I’m still confused.  I’m still lost.  I’m still invisible.

In a better universe, people would be more the same.  They would all be pretty and appreciate awesomeness.  Maybe in my next reincarnation I will chose the right universe.




How much sleep do I really need?

slpngSleeping takes up such a large portion of each day and even though it is my favorite thing to do, it really cuts into my time.

They say an adult needs approximately 8 hours of sleep a day.  That’s the same amount of time I waste at work each day.   That’s 16 hours gone.

One hour drive to work, one hour for lunch and one hour drive back home.  That’s 19 hours.

That leaves 5 hours left for myself.  Spent wisely, that’s pretty good but I waste 4 of those hours on my second favorite activity, watching TV.   It takes me at least an hour to fall asleep after I go to bed so there goes the last hour.

Each day is pretty much filled.

What if I could spend less time sleeping.  Perhaps 4 or 6 hours would be enough.  Some people exist easily on just a couple of hours.  I wonder if that would work for me.  I get an average of 7 hours sleep each night and I have a hell of a time waking up and I’m tired all day.  Maybe I’m getting too much sleep.

Every night I think about trying staying up later and sleeping for about 4 hours.  It never works out for me because by 10:00 I’m so sleepy I just have to go to bed.  Besides, what would I really do with those extra 3-4 hours?  Watch TV?  Probably.

I could read if my eyes weren’t so heavy.  I could find time to finally play computer games.  I haven’t done that since my Atari 2600.  I always feel like there is no time yet when I have it, I generally waste it.  So much to do, so little energy.

One day I might force myself to try it when I have something I really want to do just to see if it works.  I’m always up for a scientific experiment.

I don’t know.  My mundane daily existence seems to have created its own rut that works well if I don’t think about it too much.  Maybe I shouldn’t mess with perfection.

Is a salad covered in dressing still healthy?

dsaldPeople always say that drowning a salad with dressing defeats the purpose of eating a salad. I find that to be incorrect. Sure, a nice, flavorful dressing is high in calories and fat but it is what makes a salad edible in the first place.

The purpose of eating is to nourish your body with the essential nutrients it needs to be healthy. Those nutrients are still there in the salad under the dressing therefore you are still getting them. The high calorie dressing just facilitates the chance of actually consuming them.

If you are not enjoying your salad then what is the point?

Where is the rest of the Internet?

lkngI often go searching the internet for things that interest me but often have a hard time finding anything on a subject.  Yes, they are obscure, specialized and sometimes perverted things but it blows my mind that there aren’t other people out there with similar ideas.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet with certain interests.  I can’t help feeling that the search engines are censoring our results and we are barely scraping the surface of the web.  It can be extremely frustrating to not find satisfying results on subjects you feel strongly about.

There is a thing known as the Dark Web or Deep web but finding it is rather difficult.  I guess I’ll have to make it my business to find the entrance.  Going there can be scary because who knows who is watching.  Anonymity has long since disappeared on the internet and big brother is watching at all times.

The internet as we all know it is highly filtered.  The olden days of the Wild West are over.  You see what they want you to see and nothing more.

Why do people hate the Jews?

jwshThe news reports that violent antisemitism surged 40% in 2014.   I have a hard time understanding why the Jewish people are so hated across the world.  I’m not Jewish and I don’t really know anyone personally who is.  I’m sure some of them might be Jewish but they’re not very jewy.

I don’t see any good reason to hate them.  Sure they have strange customs but how horrible is that?  I would so love to belong to a group that has customs.  I’m just a white guy in Texas surrounded by Mexicans.  I’ve got nothing.

As far as I know, Jews don’t go around forcing their religion on others like Christians, Mormons and Radical Muslims.   They just keep to themselves and live a good life.  If we all did that the world would be a far better place.

I think antisemitism is based purely in jealousy.  The Jewish do well because they are smart and have good family values.  I think we could all learn a number of lessons from them.  We should all cut them some slack and mind our own business for a change.