Out of Phase

All my life, I’ve felt out of phase with this planet.  Maybe not the planet itself but the humans that infest it.

I’m like a four dimensional being in a three dimensional world.  There’s something amazing right here but nobody can see it.  Thinking fourth-dimensionally is difficult so consider a three dimensional object in a two dimensional world.   If you could only see one face of a cube, you would see nothing but a square.  A blank face is all you can visualize while 99% of the object can never be seen.  That’s me.  The majority of me is beyond the comprehension of regular beings.  I can tell because whenever I try to share something awesome, they look at me like I’m something they’ve never seen before. You know that face they make? Like, “What?”

I’m a ghost.  If I try hard enough I can make myself visible, but without major effort, I walk the planet completely unseen.  Am I here or am I not?

Like a demon, people can summon me when they want something from me.  I’m not sure how they do it but I always seem to be there for them to work my magic and make it all better.  If they don’t need me then I cease to exist until called upon again.

What a wonderful existence.

 

 

Appreciating Awesomeness

awsmI’ve written before about the lack of other people’s ability to appreciate awesomeness.   It saddens me.

Today during a break at work, I went into the breakroom and stretched out on the couch.  I pulled out my phone and headphones and listened to a recording of my community band’s 2016 spring concert.  I listened to Danzon #2.  Listen to it here.

No.  It’s not perfect but damn!  It’s seriously good considering we is a community band made up of volunteer musicians.

As I listened to the streaming awesomeness I thought about the people I know and how not one of them appreciates it.  They don’t come to my concerts.  They don’t listen to the recordings.  They don’t give a shit.  My eyes leaked with sadness for them.

It is so difficult living in an awesome world while the zombies all around you go through life with blinders on.  I just don’t know what to do.  How do you make people stop and see the greatness?

 

 

 

Online Dating? Not.

I had the conversation with my therapist the other day on the subject of my social life.  It’s obviously zero because that’s the way I like it.  Still, it made me give it second thoughts.

I decided to give match.com a look today just to see what I was missing.  I filled out the basic questionnaire just basically wanting to see some search results.  Eventually I pressed search and was presented with a screen of 40-49 year old women.  I was immediately turned off.  But why?

Maybe it’s the fact that they are old.  More likely, it’s the fact that they are actual women who want commitment and love.  Something I can’t provide.  I just don’t see myself in that kind of role.  I don’t have it in me.   I’m not looking for love in the first place.  Sex, yes.  Love, no.

What I really need is not Match.com.  I need Justfirends.com.  Curiously, I typed it into the URL bar of my browser but no such site exists.  There’s a server there but it’s just something screwed up.

Oh well.  At least I know that online dating is not for me.  Whatever.

 

 

Life Goes On

There have been three deaths in my community band over the last few months.  Just last week one of our clarinet players passed away walking out to her car after rehearsal.  At least she died among friends instead of alone in an empty house.

Despite the three deaths and my near-death last year, I find myself not feeling a lot.  I wonder if it is just me or that’s the way it is.  Life comes and goes and there’s little you can do about it.  Other than these people’s close relatives, I don’t see a lot of lasting impact on others either.  The band played on just the same.  I’m guessing that it isn’t just me who has a lack of ability to care for more than a few minutes.   They all continue to go to work the next day as if nothing happened.  As if a lifetime of experiences that is suddenly lost to eternity mean absolutely nothing.

When you die, life goes on.  You will be forgotten and the world continues to turn.

It kind of makes me wonder why we struggle so hard.  We spend a third of our life in school.  We spend another third or more working 8-5 at a pointless job so we can buy pointless crap.  If we have a few years left at the end, we live out our pointless life, generally without any money left to enjoy it.  The next thing you know it’s over and you have nothing to show for it.  You can’t take any of it with you anyway.

Those who knew you will say, “Meh.” and head off to work the next morning as if nothing happened to continue the cycle until they die as well.

Dark thoughts but can you say it’s not true?

 

NO! I don’t want to fix your shit!

whtheMotherfucker!  I don’t want to fix your computer, your car or your house!

Today is Saturday.  I have precious few hours to take care of all the things I can’t do during weekdays and maybe work in some R&R. Yet again I get the dreaded text, “Are you busy today?”

“No sombitch.  I have absolutely NOTHING to do but sit here and stare at the walls.  Yes!  I’m fucking busy!”

It’s an acquaintance who wants me to “help” him fix his car.  That means he stands there while I fix it.  Sorry…  Not sorry.

I’m not totally self absorbed.  If he wanted to go do something fun like a road trip, the beach, volleyball, etc. I would make time.   If you expect me to work for you on my weekend then, No!  Fuck off!

Come on people.  Who do you think I am?  I’m not a robot here for your convenience.  Either give me some respect or give me a blow job.  Your choice.

 

Quitting Facebook

nofbWell.. I did it. Mostly.

I quit using Facebook.  For now.

I’ve done it before and always went back.  I’m not saying that I won’t go back again but I currently have no desire.  After a few days of light withdrawal symptoms I was fine.

I deleted the apps from my iphone and ipads but left messenger just in case someone actually wanted to get ahold of me.  I haven’t checked on my PC in a few weeks now.

The main reason I quit was because I was fed up with all the fake people there who I knew in real life at one time but now exist only somewhere on the internet.  They may be bots for all I know.  I’m tired of sharing my life in hopes of someone seeing how awesome I am and wanting me but getting nothing. (more on this soon)  These people must be robots.

I give up.  Facebook is full of fakers, posers and time wasters.  I feel better having let it go.

 

A new plane of existence

plnofxnc.jpgLately I have a feeling that I am different.  It’s almost like I’ve moved to new plane of existence.  I’m not sure it’s a good thing though.

Maybe it is good.  I guess it depends upon your point of view.  Perhaps it is just the winter chill-out I usually experience each year but I feel no desire or need to be around other people.  The desire for a friend has been the bane of my existence for many decades now and right now, it’s the last thing I want.

I feel satisfied to be alone with my plans and plots. So many fun things to do when you are not burdened by the demands of others.  I get a holiday next Monday for MLK and I sure hope nobody tries to spoil it by sending me the dreaded question, “What are you doing on Monday?”  Especially because what that question really means is, “Will you give up your holiday to fix some shit for me?”  Thank you.  No.

I really have no desire to be around people. They just have nothing at all to offer.  In fact the more I look at them, the more disgusted I become.  I’m not saying that I’m above them because I look at myself and the whole process of being human disgusts me just as much.  It’s much better if you don’t think about it.

Anyway.  I am home from work and in my Fortress of Solitude and I love it so much.  I never want to leave the house again.  It’s a beautiful feeling to be where you’re supposed to be and not be required to do anything for anyone or be something you don’t want to be.  Thank you very much.

This blog entry brought to you by the word, “Much.”  A word which the more you look at it, the funnier it gets.