I’m too far ahead of my time

Nicola Tesla and I have something in common.  We are both way ahead of our time.

I’ve noticed that sharing awesomeness with others is extremely difficult.  There have been so many times I’ve come up with amazing and innovative ideas and thoughts that could change life for the better for those around me but my discoveries fall on deaf ears.

I just don’t understand.  How can you not appreciate something so special?  It boggles my mind.  Don’t you get it?  Why are you so closed minded?  Is there anybody inside that thick empty head of yours?  I’m offering you gold here!  Platinum!  Unobtanium!  Wake up!!

It’s come to the point where, like Tesla, it’s time to just give up and wait for death.  One day in the future, after I’m gone, the world will catch up and I will be a posthumous God.  I think I’ll go sit in the park now and feed the pigeons.



Strange feeling

For quite some time now I’ve been leaving Monday night band practice with a strange feeling.  I’m not really sure what it is.  I can best describe it as Disappointment.  I’m not sure what I’m disappointed with though.  Is it the rehearsal?  Is it myself?  Maybe it’s not even disappointment. I don’t know.

I just feel like getting out of there right away without talking to anyone when it ends.  I then wish I had never gone.  It doesn’t make sense because I enjoy playing music.  I enjoy playing with a group of people.  It’s a special experience musically.

I hate to bring up the idea, but maybe it is the shallowness of the social experience.  I get little to no feedback from the director so I don’t even know where I stand.  I’m either a crappy oboe player or a musical genius.   I feel like a hack and I probably am.  Fortunately most of us in a community band are but you kind of want to feel like you are someone special who matters.  I’ve considered just not showing up to see if anyone cares.  Maybe it’s a good thing because I’ll have to give it up when I move out of town.  It might be easier to let go if I’m not satisfied.

I also still have a problem with being social.  Forever an issue, I spend the break standing alone drinking some water and wishing for rehearsal to resume.   Sometimes I’ll speak with someone but small talk is not very fulfilling.

I don’t know.  It’s just the world I live in.  It is as it is.   Let it be.

I guess as long as they aren’t telling me to get the fuck out then I’m contributing well enough.  We’ll go with no news is good news.  Yeah.  Let’s go with that.

Increasingly Disconnected

dscnntI’m not entirely sure how to describe what I’ve been feeling recently.  Just in the last few days I’ve felt more disconnected with the world than ever.  I’m sure it is self-imposed and maybe it is getting out of hand.

I’ve stopped watching the local and national news because I am not interested in the stupid problems of the regular people.  Seldom does any of what they report affect or even interest me.  Avoiding the news noise has helped me reduce my stress levels.

All my TV is watched from DVR recordings.  I fast-forward through all commercials.  Sometimes I have to hear them and the music and techniques they use hurts.  I’m old now and this crap is obviously aimed at young, stupid people.  Glad I don’t watch them.

Today’s popular music is increasingly horrible.  Don’t get me started.

I’ve lost interest in my few remaining acquaintances.  Like the news, they have nothing to offer me.

I kind of feel like a work-zombie right now.  This may be my last year (or two) of work so I’m not really fighting it anymore.

It’s a good thing I have my new life to look forward to.

Letting go of bad friends

Sometimes you just have to let go of things that are bad for you.  Today I decided to let go of an old friend.  I met her many years ago on Craigslist.  We were looking for dive buddies.  We’ve done a lot of diving and other traveling over the years.  I would consider it having been a very good time.

It’s really a shame because I’ve never met someone who was so similar to me in so many ways.  In an alternate universe we would have been amazing friends.  She is virtually the perfect friend for me.  The only problem was that she is very difficult to get ahold of.  She has been very depressed because her life has not gone too well.  She hates her job but has to stick it out because she has a rare pension plan.  Her mom is also sickly and living with her.  These things are no doubt depressing.

I’m not so cold that I don’t care and have done my best to offer my ear to her trouble and my assistance many times.  She doesn’t return my emails or texts so I can only conclude that she has no interest in my company.  I’ve tried as best as a socially inept person can over the years.  There comes a point where you just have to give up.

I wrote her one last email today briefly expressing that I understood and will respect her wishes. I will always be here for her.  She could contact me in the future if she ever wanted to.

It’s probably better for both of us.  I won’t be bothering her anymore and now I can let go and move on.  When it comes to friends, I have a fault of being a faithful friend.  Having too many of them dilutes their value.  Now I am free to look for another and stop waiting for something that isn’t coming.

I have no idea how.  Perhaps Craigslist again.   Maybe not.  I’m pretty sure my destiny is to just die alone.  It’s a strong destiny that may be too powerful for me to battle.  I think I will just continue to complain about being lonely.  It’s what I do best.  I’m hoping for a fresh start when I retire and move next year.  Time will tell.


The Early Bedtime Conundrum (A Realistic Work-Life Balance)

slpymrtyI’m dead tired yet I have a problem to deal with every evening.

I have two choices:

  1. Stay up late and have more life time.
  2. Go to bed early, get the sleep I so desperately need.

If I stay awake longer then I will have more time.

If I go to bed early, then work comes 7-8 hours faster and more of my life slips away from me.

Doesn’t it bother anyone that we have imposed upon ourselves this stupid situation?  It’s completely not necessary.  Somebody needs to fix it so that we do not waste our entire viable lives working.  Can’t you see that it’s not right?  Humans have a limited lifetime and throwing the majority of it away is completely asinine.  Where is the Utopian society that we were promised?  Where is the world where our time is spent improving ourselves and pursuing happiness?

This is fucked up right here.  Donald Trump needs to fix it and quickly.  If nothing else, we need to achieve a more equal work-life balance.  This waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep shit needs to stop because it is obviously WRONG!  We need some free time and we need it NOW!  Are we going to just put up with it?  Stand up and make it known that we are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.



How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men

I just heard something incredible on my trip home today. One of the podcasts I listen to in order to pass the time on the long commute is “Hidden Brain” from NPR.

It’s a podcast covering psychological issues in today’s world.  Today’s subject was Lonely Men.  Something I am all to familiar with.

Studies find that American men are shackled by masculinity rules that often result in loneliness.  I guarantee this is a thing.  Even children indicate that they are expected to act in certain ways that prevent the forming of friendly relationships.  This problem continues to become a stigma in which single middle-aged men even find themselves poorly judging others in the same situation.  Studies also find that lonely men have a shorter life expectancy.

Personally, I’m excited to see that it is not just me.  I thought there was something wrong with me when it is actually a sociological issue.

If you are a boy or man struggling with loneliness, you have to listen to this short podcast episode.  You are not alone. (No pun intended.)

Somehow the American way has become more socially isolated.  This is bad. Make it stop.  I need to find sources for more info.  The podcast just left me desperate for more.

Do not seek the help of others

I’ve spent the majority of my life desperately yearning for someone to help me.  50 years later, still nothing.

Don’t waste time wishing for the help of others.  They have nothing to offer and you’re just hurting yourself.  If you really look at it I’m pretty sure they withhold their help for you because they like to keep you down and in their control.  You’ll always be there for them when they need you and they like you that way.

The lesson here is that the only help you get will be the help you give yourself.  Don’t wait for others to come to you aid or you will be waiting a very long time.  Stand up and pull yourself up by the bootstraps.  Rise from the crevasse and climb that mountain by yourself because only you can do it.  Only you have the power to succeed no matter how much ill others wish upon you.  No.  They don’t care but you do and that’s all that matters.

Jump up and tell them to kiss your ass!  Fuck you and your hat!  I’m not  your bitch anymore.  The world is mine and I never needed you anyway. I win!!!