Trapped!!

trpdcgeHelp!  I’m trapped in the cage of life!

I’m stuck in a meaningless existence waiting for someone to free me. I rattle the bars but nobody can hear me.  Nobody cares.  They like me to be in this cage where I can work for them and always be there for them.  They don’t want to see me free and happy.

I’m working a pointless, dead-end job again because I have nowhere else to go.  I would quit and just stay home all day but that’s not what I want either.  Not in my current suburban wasteland house anyway.

Until I can find some land in the country I remain in my cage.   Waiting… Waiting…  Wishing… Crying…

People who read this blog regularly know me as singing this same song over and over. Unfortunately it’s all I have to sing.  Now I know why the caged bird sings.  It sings of hope and freedom.  It sings of companionship and purpose. It sings of love and life.

Does anybody care?  Anyone at all?

 

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Thinking Straight

thnkstrtIs it just me or is it really hard to think straight these days?

I don’t know about you but it has been a lot of years since I’ve been able to focus my brain on a single thought and follow it to a satisfactory end.  I wonder if it is the fluoride in the water or maybe the way the constant bombardment of media has trained our brain to take existence in tiny chunks then move on to the next thing.

There are so many thoughts that just stay unfinished in my brain.  I think it may have something to do with the lack of data.  Each thought usually ends up at a brick wall because I just don’t have the information needed to get to the conclusion.  I feel like I’m stuck in a tangled city of dead end streets and my GPS is busted.

What I need is some time.  Just some time to dedicate to finding that lost data in a one-at-a-time manner.  If time would just slow down and give me a chance to work on it.  The clock is spinning so fast that the hands are blurred except when I’m at work where they don’t seem to move at all.  Once 5:00 hits, the hands jump like horses out of the starting gate.  And the race is on!

Something is wrong and somebody needs to fix it.  Help us Donald Trump!  You’re our only hope.  This is not right.

 

First day back at work

bktowrkToday was my first day back at work after my heart stents were put in.  For the first few hours I was still a bit woozy and weird but after I sat up for a while and had my mind occupied I started feeling much better.

Looking for a health lunch, I went to Souper Salad and had a huge salad with beans for protein and a fat-free french dressing that had no cholesterol and minimal salt.  After lunch I felt even better.

I still have some nasty bruises and a little swelling in my groinal-region but it’s not too bad.  I’m keeping an eye on it.

My order from BlueApron.com came in today.  It was three vegetarian cook-it-yourself meals.  When I got home I rested a little then hit the kitchen.   It was a fairly easy to cook the first meal.  Unfortunately it didn’t come out exactly like it is supposed to because I had to leave out the salt, butter and three kinds of nice cheese.  Awwww man.  It included crumbled goat cheese to sprinkle on top.  I tasted it just to see what I was missing and I am missing a lot.  The meal is for tomorrow at work so I only tasted it tonight.  It is OK.  Edible.  We’ll see tomorrow.   It seems OK without the salt.  The instructions mentioned “Salt and pepper to taste” on every step.  Sometimes twice.  Damn!  That’s a lot of salt.

I’m mostly doing well now.  I would say 75%.  As soon as the groin heals I’ll be ready to start exercising.  I already walked about 1-4 miles a week.  I can easily up that a bit.

Mentally, I’m still in a bit of a fog.  I have decisions to make about my life but I’m not really of sound mind to do it now.  I’ll just do what I do best.  Go with the flow.  It has worked for me for 48 years so we’ll see what comes next without worrying about it.

There are still a lot of things I don’t know about my health situation.  I have an appointment with my cardiologist next Wednesday and I expect he will fill me in.  I don’t expect anything he will say will be good.  I have some serious shit in front of me health-wise.  Funny how up to now I thought I was super-healthy.  They say heart disease will sneak up on you.  No shit!  It wasn’t supposed to happen to me though.

 

What is your future?

thfutrI would be lying if I said my recent brush with death didn’t make me think.  It wasn’t an actual heart attack but I was definitely in the danger zone to have one very soon.  It was what they call Angina.  Pain caused by the lack of blood supply to the heart muscle.  The next step is heart-attack.

So basically, I caught it in time before permanent muscle damage was done to my heart.  I knew that my Father died from a heart attack when he was 48 but I didn’t know that it was as common in his side of the family.  His brothers and his father also died the same way at approximately the same time in their lives.  Talk about a time bomb!  I had no idea it was that serious.

Other than serious heart disease, I’m a rather healthy person who ate relatively well, got some exercise, was not overweight, did not drink or smoke.  This is very hereditary.

With improved, strict, eating habits and medical attention, I will outlive my unfortunate ancestors but probably not by as long as I expected.  My life-expectation was to live to at least 80 in good health not really wanting to go any further than that.  I planned my future accordingly.  Now I think I should not plan for more than 60 at the most.

So, then.  What do I really want out of whatever is left in my life?  One of the ultimate questions I’ve been asking myself for so many decades.  I thought I had it figured out but age and recent incidents may have changed it completely.

Let’s review my life goals.  However stupid they may be.

  1. Sex.  Yes.  I’m a virgin at 48.  Possibly the oldest virgin who ever existed on planet earth.  The pope has had more sex than I have.  The Dalai Lama has had more sex than I have.  I guess it’s not really an important goal.  It’s not like sex is something special that not billions of people have experienced before.  Sure I could go to a prostitute but I don’t think that is really sex.  If I died without ever having experienced sex, I would regret it but I don’t feel that would really be that important.
  2. Love. Obviously, as a 48 year old virgin, I’ve never experienced love either.  I’m not sure I’m capable of love.  I just don’t feel like I have it in me.  Love is also something not unusual since billions of other people have experienced it.  Would the planet be any better for me to have ever loved or to have been loved? I would regret not experiencing love but again, I don’t feel that it would have been that important.
  3. Having children.  More of the same.  You can’t have 3 without 1 and 2. Billions and billions, etc.  I think I would regret not having children mostly for the love and experience of it all.   Many people think that having children “carries on your name”, extends your bloodline, etc.  That’s just stupid.  Why would that matter?  I think it’s the love and experience.  I guess I regret it now because my time for that is passed already.  Technically, it could still happen, but realistically…. No.  So there is no doubt that I will die without having children.  Sucks, but on my deathbed as my heart stops and I slip away into oblivion, it won’t really be important.
  4. A house in the country in a cool climate. Material, but it has been my dream for 30 years.  Every time I pursue this dream my hopes are dashed.  I wanted to build my own house.  I wanted privacy to run around the property naked and happy.  I can still make this happen but now I’m not sure I want it anymore.  I do, but I don’t, but I don’t know.  I’m not counting this out for now but I’m going to back-burner it for a while again until I figure shit out.  It’s not like I don’t have a house now.  It would just be different. It’s that really a big deal?
  5. Early retirement.  Like billions of others, I’ve spent the majority of my life, in school and work.  By the time retirement comes around, you’ve wasted your life and have only a few years left to pack in a little enjoyment before the end comes.  I really don’t want to die while still a slave to society.  I want to be a free man for at least 10 years.   If I can’t expect to live to be more than 60 then I’d better figure out how to escape very soon.   Financially, I could do it right now if it wasn’t for the cost of health-care. Especially now that I am diagnosed with heart disease.  All my hard-earned savings will be quickly depleted on health insurance rather than the good life.  I’m really hoping that Hillary can put together some kind of socialized health care very soon.  Either that or some kind of actually affordable health care that costs less than $200 a month.  I think that’s fair and affordable.  Should that suddenly happen, I’ll be suddenly retired.  If I died without having experienced life without work, then I will be devastated.  (For a minute or two).

I guess that pretty much covers what I wanted out of life.  It’s pretty basic. I don’t want power or money except the money I need to live a basic but comfortable existence.  I don’t want fame.   I don’t want fancy cars or a big house.  I don’t want a super-model wife.  I really just want some time to myself to experience life.  Maybe do a little traveling or try some love and sex.  I just want to live free for a little while.  Is that too much to ask?

So if you live in a house in the country in a place where the summer highs seldom go above 93 and in the winter you spend your evenings in front of the fireplace with your family while the snow falls gently outside the window and you get to have sex with your wife before you go to bed…..you are THE happiest man in the world.  I hope you appreciate it.

First Paycheck

x-all-the-y
Buy ALL the things!!!

I just got my first paycheck from my new job.  My direct deposit isn’t set up yet so I got an old fashioned paper check.

I have to tell you that there is a lot more satisfaction in receiving, opening and viewing your paycheck on paper.  When you get direct deposit it’s like, Meh.  Actually feeling it physically is far better.  We should go back to paper if we didn’t have to go physically deposit it in the bank.  Lot of trouble.

Anyway…  Money!!!    The next step has been achieved.  Time to “Buy all the things!”  Yeah, stuff may not be the actual meaning of happiness but I’ve learned that it certainly contributes a rather significant percent to your overall happiness.  I’ve denied myself the happiness of stuff for so many years.  Now it’s time to indulge.

I think I’m going to start by buying some things for the car.  Some fancy new projector headlights with angel eyes and some fog lights that were optional on my car.  A fancy new stereo system with navigation and a really loud 18-wheeler horn.  Should go well on a Prius.

Next month I’ll get the Apple Watch.  After that, who knows.  The sky’s the limit.  Let’s see if money can buy happiness….

First week of work report

Well, my first week of work is done.  It was long and short at the same time.  How does that work?

I spent the last two days doing some online training.  There were about 15 courses on various subjects including security, procedure, ethics, and sexual harrassment.  I had a hard time concentrating on the dry subject matter but was able to force my way through it.  Each course included a test that had to be passed.

I spent some of the rest of my time shadowing other employees in the IT department.  I am almost overwhelmed at the variety of bank specific software in use.  It is kind of freaking me out as I wonder how I am going to learn and remember so much.  At least I am not on my own here so I will have people to consult.  I am not expected to be an instant guru so that takes a lot of the pressure off.  I have so much to learn.

I’m taking notes and trying to make a brain database that I can refer to until I get the hang of everything.  Overall I am happy with my new job so far.  I feel that it is somewhere I can hang out for at least 5 years.  Maybe more.  Benefits are great.  The pay is great.  The atmosphere is fairly laid back.  

I like it.

Turned down the job

I decided that that job just wan’t what I was looking for so I turned it down.  Fortunately I can afford to be picky so why not.  If you are going to spend the majority of your waking life doing something for somebody else then it better be something you can live with.

Today I got a call from a bank at which I applied for an IT position a few weeks ago.  I already gave up on it.  I am set up for an interview on Thursday giving me a couple of days to psyche up.  A bank is a more professional environment.  I hope that is what I really want.  It’s hard when you don’t really know what you want.  It is also in a good location, closer to me and only a few miles from my Mom’s house.  Lots of restaurants in the area too including my favorite Thai place.  Sweet!

The bad part is actually going to work again.  Having to get up early, come home late completely missing the day and spending the evening recovering on the couch until bedtime. Living for the weekend when the masses are out clogging up the world doing the same thing you are.  It kind of sucks when you think about it.   Doesn’t it bother anybody that we are wasting our lives at work?  Shouldn’t something be done about that?

Nevertheless, when you live in The Man’s world, you have to play by his rules.  I did it before for 23 years so I guess I can manage for another 10-15.  I plan to play the game a little differently this time though.  I plan to be more friendly and outgoing at work.  I plan to be more friendly and outgoing with my friends and acquaintances.  I plan on watching less TV.  (That’s going to be hard.  I love TV more than anything else.)  I plan on going out and buying things and doing stuff in what little time I have left of each day for myself.

Now that I’ve gotten an interview that I like, I expect a ton of better offers to flood in and confuse the hell out of me.  I didn’t want to apply to so many places at once but when you don’t hear from anyone, you’re compelled to do more.     I kind of hope not to get any more after I accept a job so that I don’t have to feel bad about them.  I guess it’s just something regular people have to deal with.  What if…?

Oh well.  Go with the flow… It still works for me.