I need something

whtndLately I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that I need something.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t think it is anything physical.  It seems that it is more important than that.

I wish I could either find it or better yet, I wish this feeling would go away.

I hate it when I think about stuff like this.  Why can’t I just be satisfied.  All I want is to feel good.


Bad Review

I went back and forth with myself on whether to write about this but I need to tell someone. It’s not good to keep things totally bottled up inside. Even if I don’t have anyone to talk to, it helps to blog it and let it out.

I had my three-year review today at work.  I didn’t expect it to be good due to the recent bad-blood between my boss and I.  We clashed a bit over the last few months as I was feeling overwhelmed and he just kept piling it on.  We had a little chat last week and have pretty much ironed it out.  It was too late for my review though.  He had already submitted it last month.

I expected him to be somewhat vindictive and I wasn’t disappointed.  He nitpicked everything and blew it all out of proportion.  I did still get a raise due to the calculative manner of the review procedure.  It was 2.5% which is not all that bad.  I don’t really care about the money.  Had I got no raise it would not have mattered much.  I don’t need more money. What DID matter was the bruising of my ego and damage to my self-esteem.

I work my ass off every day.  I go from one thing to the next and don’t even take a break.  I feel guilty about going to lunch. At the end of the day, I’m completely worn out mentally and physically.  It was painful to see that it was mostly in vain.

What hurts most is that I take pride in my work.  I work efficiently.  I work with the user’s needs in mind.  When I am told that I’m not doing a good job it really bothers me because I know that I AM doing a good job.  A better job than most people would do in my position.  Being constantly overwhelmed makes doing the perfect job virtually impossible.  I am doing the best anyone can do in this environment.  It’s kind of the feeling you get when your dad is disappointed with you even though you’ve done the very best you can and thought  you had succeeded.  He only sees the failure.

The boss did indicate that he was sorry about what he had written and it was too late to make any changes.  I understood and don’t hold it completely against him.  It’s human nature.  Still, there’s mental damage deep down.  I’m sure I can overcome it with time.  Time heals all wounds as they say.  Such has been proven time and time again in my experience.  Sleep can do wonders as well.  I took a little ZZZQuil to help me drift off tonight.  We’ll see how much better I feel in the morning.  Each day is Groundhog Day anyway.  I put my review at the bottom of a stack of papers in my computer room.

Self-Esteem has always been a problem issue with me.  I should be used to it.  A regular person might cry or go into deep depression or perhaps rage.  Other than an annoying buzz of sadness, I don’t feel any outrageous reaction.  I’m an adult now, technically, anyway.

So what am I to do next?  I only have 10 months left before I semi-retire so switching jobs seems overkill.  It’s not all that bad I guess.  As always, it could be worse.  I think I’ll just do my best to shrug it off and put on a happy face.

Like I said, I don’t hold it against my boss.  I’m open to the fresh start we are already experiencing.  I might work a little less hard and cut out the unnecessary duties.  Take a break each day and reduce the stress a bit.  I think a good plan would be to “Work smarter, not harder.”  I’m not a Machiavellian planner.  That takes too much energy and thought.  I just want to do a good job and lean toward feeling positive about going to work each day.  There’s not a lot of mental reward where I work.  I’ve done my best to hand out compliments to those who deserve them.  It’s better to give than receive anyway.

Boy I’m full of proverbs today.  Strangely enough, they are apt.

I feel better.  Thank you for letting me tell you about my petty, first-world problems.  It really does help to let them out.


Dear Sabishii

Dear Sabishii,

It has been a dreary winter here in San Antonio.  Most years we have a lot of sun and being outdoors is enjoyable.  The strange cold and damp makes me wonder if climate change is happening. I hope the weather is nice wherever you are.  Nothing would make me happier than to spend the afternoon sitting on the bench with you as we gaze out upon the ocean.

I’ve been carrying on as best I can.  Life has become a monotony of work and sleep.  I’m excited to feel that the end of that time is near.  I’m planning to retire from full-time work and build a house on some land I bought out in the country.  It’s currently in the purchasing and planning stage but I feel positive about it.

My mom is doing well.  I still visit her on Wednesday evenings.  We usually go out to dinner and then I help her with a few things around the house.  She will be 88 this year.  I’m glad she is in good health because when she is gone, I will be completely alone.

I’m looking forward to my new, quiet life in the country near a small town.  I may get a part-time job for a while after the house is finished.  It will be good for me to have interaction with other people on a regular basis.  Other than that I will do some gardening and probably spend a lot of time in the library.  It will be a nice place to be around others if even just for proximity.

I’m thinking that I’ll often sit by the river to read.  It will be relaxing.  I’ll always bring another chair with me in case you want to sit with me.  The invitation is always open.

I hope you are dong well and life is awesome for you.  My heart is always open for you.  One day we will meet and time will once again return to normal speed.

You are the world.

Love, Max.



RV inspection done

It wasn’t easy but I finally managed to find time to take my RV for it’s annual inspection.  Normally it wouldn’t be so difficult but the weather has been all rainy for longer than I can remember and I didn’t really want to have to deal with it in the rain.

Time was running out and it needed to be done by the end of this month so I can pay the registration renewal online or at the grocery store.  It was still raining today and there was nothing else I could really do so I decided to get ‘er done.

I drove the car to the inspection place which had a long line so I kept driving.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  I stopped at a garage where I’ve had work done before and asked if I could bring it in for an inspection.  They said yes.   I went ahead and got my car inspected which is due next month anyway.

I drove through the rain to get my RV.   Not unexpectedly, I had trouble starting it.  It seems that something is not quite right with the fuel supply and pump.  It took a while but I got it started.  That’s the way it goes with old vehicles but that’s OK.  I can handle it.   It drove nicely to the shop.  Even the wipers worked well.  I got the inspection and asked about having a leak in the exhaust manifold fixed.  I could do it myself but the bolts are old and rusty.  I know that as soon as I tried, I would break a bolt and then would not have the tools or time to deal with that.  Best to let them handle it and pay.

So now we’re go for spring vacation.  I think I’ll plan a weekend at a nearby Nudist Resort that I spent a week at last year.  A week was a bit long and there weren’t many people there during the weekdays so I kind of got bored.  This time I’ll go on a weekend so it won’t feel so lonely.  Anyone want to go with me?  No?  Oh well.  I’m used to that.  Can’t wait for some warm weather to plan the getaway.  Woooo!


More Delay on the Land Purchase


I called today to see when I need to show up for the closing on my land purchase and they said it is delayed ANOTHER month.  Apparently the courts have not yet processed the paperwork and given the approval for the subdividing.

Time is ticking by and summer is coming fast.  I wanted to have time to clear the land of the scrub brush before it gets too hot to be outside.  I’m getting pissed off.  A lot of things have to happen before the end of the year if I am going to quit my job in December and start building.  Time is running out fast.  I do NOT want to work another year.  I can’t do it.  I’ll die for sure.

I need to be able to start the foundation this coming fall and get the framing and roof done before next summer hits.  Winters are short in Texas and it’s the only time you can be outside without getting heat stroke.


Dreamblog – Brother Zombie

I was sleeping when I was awoken by my brother coming into my room and lying on the bed.  I asked him what he was doing but he didn’t respond.  I poked him and asked him again.  He seemed to be dead.  I freaked out.  I tried to yell, “Get out” but my mouth wouldn’t move.  I could only breath out hard trying to make my lips move.

He finally got up and walked over the to corner of the room like a zombie and stood nose to the wall.  He still wouldn’t respond or move and I couldn’t speak or yell.  I finally woke up and immediately turned on the lamp to make sure it wasn’t real.  Of course he wasn’t in the room with me.  I live alone.

I sure have a lot of dreams about my brother being dead.  I wonder what it means. I barely know him and hardly ever see him.  This is the third one that I have blogged about.  Very weird.

Read more of my dreams.


Quick Book Review – Pax

paxI just finished reading “Pax” by Sara Pennypacker.  It is a children’s book about a boy and his pet fox who get separated but nothing will stop them from finding each other.

I may be 49 years old but I still enjoy reading children’s books.  Why not?  I didn’t get to read them as a child.

I enjoy children’s books mostly because they don’t involve all the horrible things that adult books deal with.  There’s no bad relationships, not much murder, no sex.  It’s just good adventure and story that is easy to follow and enjoyable for the mind that needs to relax.

I recommend Pax for readers of any age.  Enjoy it.  It’s good.