Strange feeling

For quite some time now I’ve been leaving Monday night band practice with a strange feeling.  I’m not really sure what it is.  I can best describe it as Disappointment.  I’m not sure what I’m disappointed with though.  Is it the rehearsal?  Is it myself?  Maybe it’s not even disappointment. I don’t know.

I just feel like getting out of there right away without talking to anyone when it ends.  I then wish I had never gone.  It doesn’t make sense because I enjoy playing music.  I enjoy playing with a group of people.  It’s a special experience musically.

I hate to bring up the idea, but maybe it is the shallowness of the social experience.  I get little to no feedback from the director so I don’t even know where I stand.  I’m either a crappy oboe player or a musical genius.   I feel like a hack and I probably am.  Fortunately most of us in a community band are but you kind of want to feel like you are someone special who matters.  I’ve considered just not showing up to see if anyone cares.  Maybe it’s a good thing because I’ll have to give it up when I move out of town.  It might be easier to let go if I’m not satisfied.

I also still have a problem with being social.  Forever an issue, I spend the break standing alone drinking some water and wishing for rehearsal to resume.   Sometimes I’ll speak with someone but small talk is not very fulfilling.

I don’t know.  It’s just the world I live in.  It is as it is.   Let it be.

I guess as long as they aren’t telling me to get the fuck out then I’m contributing well enough.  We’ll go with no news is good news.  Yeah.  Let’s go with that.

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Letting go of bad friends

Sometimes you just have to let go of things that are bad for you.  Today I decided to let go of an old friend.  I met her many years ago on Craigslist.  We were looking for dive buddies.  We’ve done a lot of diving and other traveling over the years.  I would consider it having been a very good time.

It’s really a shame because I’ve never met someone who was so similar to me in so many ways.  In an alternate universe we would have been amazing friends.  She is virtually the perfect friend for me.  The only problem was that she is very difficult to get ahold of.  She has been very depressed because her life has not gone too well.  She hates her job but has to stick it out because she has a rare pension plan.  Her mom is also sickly and living with her.  These things are no doubt depressing.

I’m not so cold that I don’t care and have done my best to offer my ear to her trouble and my assistance many times.  She doesn’t return my emails or texts so I can only conclude that she has no interest in my company.  I’ve tried as best as a socially inept person can over the years.  There comes a point where you just have to give up.

I wrote her one last email today briefly expressing that I understood and will respect her wishes. I will always be here for her.  She could contact me in the future if she ever wanted to.

It’s probably better for both of us.  I won’t be bothering her anymore and now I can let go and move on.  When it comes to friends, I have a fault of being a faithful friend.  Having too many of them dilutes their value.  Now I am free to look for another and stop waiting for something that isn’t coming.

I have no idea how.  Perhaps Craigslist again.   Maybe not.  I’m pretty sure my destiny is to just die alone.  It’s a strong destiny that may be too powerful for me to battle.  I think I will just continue to complain about being lonely.  It’s what I do best.  I’m hoping for a fresh start when I retire and move next year.  Time will tell.

 

How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men

I just heard something incredible on my trip home today. One of the podcasts I listen to in order to pass the time on the long commute is “Hidden Brain” from NPR.

It’s a podcast covering psychological issues in today’s world.  Today’s subject was Lonely Men.  Something I am all to familiar with.

Studies find that American men are shackled by masculinity rules that often result in loneliness.  I guarantee this is a thing.  Even children indicate that they are expected to act in certain ways that prevent the forming of friendly relationships.  This problem continues to become a stigma in which single middle-aged men even find themselves poorly judging others in the same situation.  Studies also find that lonely men have a shorter life expectancy.

Personally, I’m excited to see that it is not just me.  I thought there was something wrong with me when it is actually a sociological issue.

If you are a boy or man struggling with loneliness, you have to listen to this short podcast episode.  You are not alone. (No pun intended.)

Somehow the American way has become more socially isolated.  This is bad. Make it stop.  I need to find sources for more info.  The podcast just left me desperate for more.

North Side Siding Done!

Holy Guacamole!

It took me at two and a half months but I finally got the rotting siding replaced on the north side of my house.  Well..I’m calling it done.

It really needs another coat of paint but I don’t have another month to spend on that.  Why did it take so long to do such a simple job?  Work and rain.   Due to my 8:30-5:30 job, I have absolutely zero time during the week for ANYTHING.  I cram in Community Band practice on Monday nights and a visit with mom on Wednesday nights.  The other three nights I am wiped out and can do nothing but collapse on the couch and watch TV for an hour or two before I drag myself to bed at 9:00.  Besides.  It’s dark when I get home at 6:30 after an hour drive through crippling traffic so doing anything outside would be extremely difficult.  It also keeps raining on weekends.  How does it know?

It’s a good thing I don’t have friends or family because they would demand some of that precious time.  I don’t know how the regular people do it.  Maybe they don’t care about things like replacing siding.  Maybe important things don’t matter to them.

Whatever…

I had to do 99% of the work myself so I created a winch controlled siding lift using 14 foot 2x4s.  That worked out really well.  I’m amazing!  You should want to be my friend!

Once I removed and replaced all the 4×8 sheets of siding, I had to fill the oops nail holes and paint.  I just now finished replacing the vertical trim pieces that hid the seams.  I really wish I had time and energy for one more coat of paint but it will do.  Maybe another time.

Time is a precious commodity.  There is so little of it available these days since time itself has sped up to ludicrous speed.  Time is something that one really should appreciate to the max.  I’m so glad that this is my last year to play the Time Game.  I’m going to early-retire in January of 2019 if my evil plan goes smoothly. Soon time will be my bitch!  It will do my bidding for a change.

Mua ha haaaaa!

Where are the open-minded people?

I think one of the reasons I feel so alone in this world is that I am surrounded by closed minds.  I am unable to talk openly with my closest acquaintances because they have minds that are programmed in Read Only Memory.

There’s nothing worse than getting that “look” when you say something that is out of the ordinary.  That look that you get when they just can’t comprehend anything different than what they are programmed for.  Like you’ve blown their mind.  Once you get that look, you have to stop because if you continue then they will surely burst into flame or shut down due to overload.

As a result, I have to keep all my amazing thoughts and desires secret.  That really sucks because bottling up awesomeness can cause a psychological embolism.  One day soon I surely hope to find someone who is alive inside before I become dead inside.

So where do you find real, live, open-minded people?  Where are they?  Are they hiding from the zombies like I am?  Do they put on the same common-man facade so the zombies will let them be?  Fans of The Walking Dead will know the trick of covering yourself with zombie guts and blood so that you will smell like one of them and be able to walk among them to get to safety.  It’s like that.  I’m tired of being covered in zombie guts

I wonder if we can come up with some kind of secret sign or symbol.  Something like a Freemason’s ring that can indicate to others than you are one of them.

A ring could be good.  It needs to be a symbol that can be worn on a shirt.  Maybe on a flag.  We need something.

I just did a Google image search on “open mind symbol” and this one caught my eye.  The web page it is on mentions open mind but there’s not much there.  I like it.

It is kind of reminiscent of The Deathly Hallows. That could be a good thing.  What do you think?  It’s kind of basic and could possibly be stylized a bit.  Any open-minded artists out there?  It doesn’t necessarily HAVE to be this image.  Something like it.

I also ran across the silhouette of a man with a hinged cranium but that’s too spot-on.  It needs to be more mysterious and not immediately obvious to the zombies.

Let’s start a new thing!  This can be real.  We don’t have to hide.  We just need a way to find each other.

Later…

I did an image search and it looks like this symbol is for Alchemy. Transmutation, Turning something from Negative to Positive.  Healing.  The Philosopher’s Stone.  That still might be a good representation of an open mind.   I like it even more now.

Slow Down!!

I usually find myself doing everything frantically. I rush through it and often do a just good enough job.

I guess we all do it because there so much to do and so little time.  We get in the habit of rushing everything to try and make it fit into the tiny little slice of life we have left to spare in a day.

We sometimes make it a competition to get something done quickly which only makes matters worse.  Who are we competing against?  Ourselves.  Not good.  I catch myself rushing everything and not even remembering that I did it.  It’s also bad for your blood pressure.

All we need to do is slow down.  Live your life deliberately and appreciate the moment.  Do a quality job that takes as much time as it takes.  It’s better for your health and whatever you are doing will be done so much better.  Enjoy the task or just appreciate a little time for relaxation.  It’s difficult but if you take the time to learn then it will totally be worth it.

You’ll experience life as it should be as everyone else in the world spins wildly around like children’s toy tops until they fall over in exhaustion.  Don’t let it happen to you.  Don’t let it happen to me.

All The Regular People

Today was a beautiful warm and sunny November day in San Antonio.  I had nothing I really needed to do so it seemed like it was a good time to go get some exercise and meet people.

I loaded my bicycle into my car and took it a few miles down the road to a nice greenbelt area that the city has created for walking and riding.  There are always plenty of people there.  I was wearing only my little short shorts so I could feel the wonderful sun on my skin.  I rode down the way for 3.25 miles passing a large number of people who ignored me completely.

If you were a girl and you saw a nice looking white guy riding a bicycle in short shorts and no shirt, wouldn’t you be attracted enough to at least notice?  I’m dumbfounded.  These regular people are total idiots.

No wonder I am destined to be lonely.  Regular people can’t see those of us who are truly special.  We resonate at a much higher frequency that seems to be out of the range of their vision.  I may be up in the infrared region of the spectrum.  That explains why I’m so HOT!

It’s really tough living amongst them.  You really have to fight to be seen.  It tires me out.  It takes more energy than I have just to become visible.  I’m exhausted.  I think I should just settle down and stick to my own plane of existence.  It is so much easier.

Well.  If nothing else, I got in 6.5 miles of exercise today.  That’s something.  Good to help keep my lonely heart beating a little longer.