The Myth of Marriage

An acquaintance texted me today telling me that he had the day off for Presidents Day. He wanted to do something fun and asked me if I had any ideas. I literally couldn’t think of anything more fun than building a house. He didn’t agree. Said I needed a woman. What an ass.

LOL. I’m 50 now. The time for looking for women was 40 years ago. That kind of thing is for children. I’m over that now and have moved on to higher levels of consciousness.

I would have continued the conversation explaining the error of his ways but I wouldn’t want to damage his theory of his own future by offering facts. I could have told him that he is 51 and past it. Move on and grow up. But regular people need to come to their own conclusions. Facts be damned. You can’t give facts to other people. They are unable to accept unless they obtain them on their own. Few are capable though. It’s really sad. I’ve always had the ability to learn from the mistakes of others. If only everyone else could do the same.

Personally, I appreciate the fact that I didn’t spend my life chasing the Woman thing. I have enough money for a comfortable early retirement thanks to it. Marriage, Children, and Divorce are for regular people. I’m eternally glad I’m not one of them.

I would have asked him why he hasn’t figured it out yet. The whole Marriage thing is an outdated tradition anyway. Happy marriage died with The Greatest Generation. The first generation to experience today’s style of marriage was the Baby Boomers and perhaps it is their fault. It was the first generation where women were becoming men. Ever watch the old TV shows where women were still women? Wasn’t it wonderful? Women are no longer women psychologically. They expect and adopted all the mannerisms of men. No wonder divorce became so common. Men married to men and neither one of them is gay. How can it work? Apparently, it can’t. How many people do you know who have never been divorced? Not many I’ll bet.

Maybe I’m just jaded or maybe I’m speaking the logical facts. A woman will take your money, your time and your soul then leave your dried up husk on the side of the road. Of course, I don’t speak for all people but can you risk it? I can’t. I can’t afford to even try. A man only lives once and if you work your ass off for 50 years then lose all your money, what do you have left? There are no do-overs unless you believe in reincarnation. I’m personally hoping there is no such thing. Once is enough.

I wish I could say that I learned this only from other people’s mistakes but I have to admit that it took me 45 years of suffering to completely understand. Much of this suffering is written out for the last ten years of this blog. At least I suffered alone and still have all my money. (It’s also a shame that money is so important to living a comfortable life. There must be a better way. Don’t get me started on that.)

So in conclusion, if you are open to advice, don’t fall prey to your dick. There are more important things in life than false women and the impossible ideals of a happily married life. That died back in the 60’s. In a better world, we could just be really good friends and sleep in separate houses.


Find the Root Cause to your problem

I like to listen to a lot of podcasts.  It has been years since I’ve wasted time listening to music in the car because music is just mindless repetition where podcasts open your mind and keep it working.

This time I was listening to The Minimalists podcast and the subject was, “Addiction”.  I almost didn’t listen to this episode since I’m really not addicted to anything in the standard sense but I went ahead and started it. 

A listener called in asking what he could do to help his alcoholic brother who was so addicted to alcohol he could not function.  Much the same as most drug addiction scenarios.

Neither the brother or the hosts of the show seemed to notice that the chronic use of alcohol was not the cause but only a symptom of the problem.  I’m willing to bet that virtually all alcohol/drug use and other such symptoms are only symptoms of a serious problem.

For example, I spent decades fighting deep depression because of my chronic loneliness.  I won’t go into the fact that nobody cared because it’s popular human nature to not care about others.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  All that time I was only fighting the symptom.  

One really needs to step back and look at the big picture.  There is often a cause for any effect.  Keep digging until you find the root cause.  Let’s take me for example:

I was depressed to the point of suicide for more than half of my life because I was desperately lonely without any possibility of parole.  I knew I why I was depressed but was helpless to do anything about it because I was not addressing the root cause.  The root cause was not loneliness.  Look down one step.  Why was I depressed about being lonely?  It was because I was feeling bad about it.  Why was I feeling bad about it?  Because I had the perception that being lonely was bad.

If you break it down to the atomic level, it may be likely that our perception of any situation is the root cause.  It may be that life is as you perceive it

That brother who is abusing alcohol is obviously using it to medicate the symptoms of the real problem.  Trying to help him by making him stop drinking is not helpful.  You need to find and treat his real issue.  He may be lonely.  He may be undereducated and therefore a non-viable citizen.  He may have any of a number of issues that humans suffer from.  Since the sufferer may not have what it takes to dig down to the root cause, if you want to help him, you may need to do it for him.  It took me 40 years to figure it out and I’m relatively sentient.

Of course the sufferer will often fight back because they will not yet have perceived their root cause.  It might take you some serious work to get them to understand.  You can’t force it, of course, but you can try to influence their own self-discovery.

Perception may really be everything.  Reality is as you perceive it.  It sounds pretty outlandish to the Western philosophy but there may be something, or everything, to it.  Change your perception and change your reality.

Facebook Pause

fbstpI tend to use Facebook quite a bit.  I’m not obsessive like most people but when I’m bored or have something to share I’ll post it or browse for a while.

If you think about it, it is mostly pointless drivel but it is also the only link most people have to those they know.  It’s a lonely world WITH Facebook, what would it be like without it?  It kind of fits in that notch where people have some time to spare in order to keep connected with others.  Nobody has REAL time anymore so it’s as close as we get.

I get burned out on Facebook every once in a while when I realize that it is shallow.  It sometimes makes me feel like I’m wasting even that empty time.  A big part of using Facebook is the validation you feel when people respond to your stupid posts.  It’s not much but it’s something.  Even that feels shallow after a while.

I think it’s time to take a break and experience reality for a bit.  I’m not stopping permanently because it IS my only connection to anyone else.  It’s good for the soul to remember what is it like to be real for a while.


Thinking is bad

thnkngI’ve said it all my life.  “Thinking is bad.”

I used to enjoy thinking back when I was young.  I guess I still do but one must be selective about what one thinks about.

As my time of transformation rapidly approaches, I have noticed that I have not been thinking too much about consequences of my decisions and more about just the process itself.   It is actually strangely comforting.  Not thinking too much about future events really does help control anxiety about them.

It’s late and I don’t want to go too deep on this subject though there is so much that could be said.  I just want to keep it simple.  Thinking is bad.  I feel so much better when I just stick to The Plan and not worry about it.  I hope I can maintain it now that I’ve brought it up.  Sometimes it is best to keep yourself out of it.  I’m sure The Plan is sound.  Let’s not make a bigger deal out of it than is necessary.

This is going to be so great!  I’m so tired of being tired.


Ugly San Antonio

Every time I go to the store or a restaurant I tend to look at the people around me.  I’ve noticed that the men in San Antonio are excruciatingly ugly.  What amazes me about that is that as one of the Beautiful People, I would expect to see women following me around like the Pied Piper.  Strangely enough, I remain invisible.

I was under the impression that women were attracted to good looking men and repelled by ugly men.  I suspect that the reverse filter may be in place in the computer that projects this holographic simulation that I reside in.

As a diamond in a bed of coal, I should be fighting them off with a stick.

Well.  It’s really OK after all because the women in this city are equally ugly.  Seriously!   They are NOT attractive.

I suppose that they were meant for each other.  It is logical after all.  Remember that Twilight Zone episode where the beautiful woman woke up on a hospital table  and all the ugly doctors around here were commenting on how ugly she was?  (Or something like that.  My memory is fuzzy.)  Ugly is relative.

My problem is just that I am misplaced.  I’ve always said that I don’t belong here.  This is just another set of proof.  I’m glad I’m leaving.  I just hope it is far enough away.


Strange feeling

For quite some time now I’ve been leaving Monday night band practice with a strange feeling.  I’m not really sure what it is.  I can best describe it as Disappointment.  I’m not sure what I’m disappointed with though.  Is it the rehearsal?  Is it myself?  Maybe it’s not even disappointment. I don’t know.

I just feel like getting out of there right away without talking to anyone when it ends.  I then wish I had never gone.  It doesn’t make sense because I enjoy playing music.  I enjoy playing with a group of people.  It’s a special experience musically.

I hate to bring up the idea, but maybe it is the shallowness of the social experience.  I get little to no feedback from the director so I don’t even know where I stand.  I’m either a crappy oboe player or a musical genius.   I feel like a hack and I probably am.  Fortunately most of us in a community band are but you kind of want to feel like you are someone special who matters.  I’ve considered just not showing up to see if anyone cares.  Maybe it’s a good thing because I’ll have to give it up when I move out of town.  It might be easier to let go if I’m not satisfied.

I also still have a problem with being social.  Forever an issue, I spend the break standing alone drinking some water and wishing for rehearsal to resume.   Sometimes I’ll speak with someone but small talk is not very fulfilling.

I don’t know.  It’s just the world I live in.  It is as it is.   Let it be.

I guess as long as they aren’t telling me to get the fuck out then I’m contributing well enough.  We’ll go with no news is good news.  Yeah.  Let’s go with that.

Letting go of bad friends

Sometimes you just have to let go of things that are bad for you.  Today I decided to let go of an old friend.  I met her many years ago on Craigslist.  We were looking for dive buddies.  We’ve done a lot of diving and other traveling over the years.  I would consider it having been a very good time.

It’s really a shame because I’ve never met someone who was so similar to me in so many ways.  In an alternate universe we would have been amazing friends.  She is virtually the perfect friend for me.  The only problem was that she is very difficult to get ahold of.  She has been very depressed because her life has not gone too well.  She hates her job but has to stick it out because she has a rare pension plan.  Her mom is also sickly and living with her.  These things are no doubt depressing.

I’m not so cold that I don’t care and have done my best to offer my ear to her trouble and my assistance many times.  She doesn’t return my emails or texts so I can only conclude that she has no interest in my company.  I’ve tried as best as a socially inept person can over the years.  There comes a point where you just have to give up.

I wrote her one last email today briefly expressing that I understood and will respect her wishes. I will always be here for her.  She could contact me in the future if she ever wanted to.

It’s probably better for both of us.  I won’t be bothering her anymore and now I can let go and move on.  When it comes to friends, I have a fault of being a faithful friend.  Having too many of them dilutes their value.  Now I am free to look for another and stop waiting for something that isn’t coming.

I have no idea how.  Perhaps Craigslist again.   Maybe not.  I’m pretty sure my destiny is to just die alone.  It’s a strong destiny that may be too powerful for me to battle.  I think I will just continue to complain about being lonely.  It’s what I do best.  I’m hoping for a fresh start when I retire and move next year.  Time will tell.