For quite some time now I’ve been leaving Monday night band practice with a strange feeling. I’m not really sure what it is. I can best describe it as Disappointment. I’m not sure what I’m disappointed with though. Is it the rehearsal? Is it myself? Maybe it’s not even disappointment. I don’t know.
I just feel like getting out of there right away without talking to anyone when it ends. I then wish I had never gone. It doesn’t make sense because I enjoy playing music. I enjoy playing with a group of people. It’s a special experience musically.
I hate to bring up the idea, but maybe it is the shallowness of the social experience. I get little to no feedback from the director so I don’t even know where I stand. I’m either a crappy oboe player or a musical genius. I feel like a hack and I probably am. Fortunately most of us in a community band are but you kind of want to feel like you are someone special who matters. I’ve considered just not showing up to see if anyone cares. Maybe it’s a good thing because I’ll have to give it up when I move out of town. It might be easier to let go if I’m not satisfied.
I also still have a problem with being social. Forever an issue, I spend the break standing alone drinking some water and wishing for rehearsal to resume. Sometimes I’ll speak with someone but small talk is not very fulfilling.
I don’t know. It’s just the world I live in. It is as it is. Let it be.
I guess as long as they aren’t telling me to get the fuck out then I’m contributing well enough. We’ll go with no news is good news. Yeah. Let’s go with that.