Losing the ability to relate to others

I thought I was improving in my ability to relate to humans but it seems I am actually regressing.  There are basically three people I spend any time with on a regular basis, my mom on Sundays and my two lunch buddies on weekdays.

My mom is pretty cool and I don’t mind spending time with her.  She is a lot like me in the basic ways but not in the technical ways that mean so much to me so it’s not quite the experience I need to nourish my intellect.

My two lunch buddies are interesting and semi-technical but I’m beginning to lose interest in being with them.  I would almost prefer to go eat lunch alone than go with them.  I’m almost glad when one or both is out sick any day.  Not a good sign, huh?  For the last few days I’ve kept mostly quiet while they talk about stuff I’m not interested in.  I guess I could bring something up but I’m fresh out of compatible ideas for conversation.

During my weekly community band practice, I make an effort to pretend to talk to people but I’ve never liked small talk.  I’ve dropped out of the few clubs I used to be a member of because I felt so awkward.

Why can’t I just let it go?  Why won’t it leave me alone?



Reason for Living

No matter how much I dance around and change the subject, the age-old question always comes back to me.  What is my reason for living?  There has to be more to life than getting up and going to work then coming home to watch TV until I go to bed.  I literally don’t know what else there is.  It is really weighing heavily on me today and I just don’t know what to do about it.  God help me!

Life Lesson – Don’t take life too seriously

My life is divided into two people.  I’m funny on the outside and serious on the inside.  When I was in Elementary school I was relaxed and a little comedian.  One day in Middle School, someone told me that I joke around too much.  I listened to him and I immediately became far too serious.  I remember making the decision. It was possibly a turning point in my life where part of me died.

My mistake was believing this person.  I have always had a problem with criticism.  I would take it personally and it would often damage me mentally.  I became so careful not to do anything that would make me look bad that I was missing out on life.  When I did something embarrassing it would screw me up for days becoming a permanent scar on my psyche.  Even though I knew people had already forgotten about it I felt that they were judging me because of it.

It wasn’t until just last year where I became able to take criticism and even laugh at myself.  It is kind of nice to be able to play along and shrug things off.  The world becomes a slightly fresher place.  Too bad it took me around 30 years to learn this lesson.  Why don’t they teach this in school?  Maybe if my father hadn’t died when I was nine he might have taught me things like this.

So take it from me, someone who learned his lesson the hard way.  Don’t take life too seriously.  It’s more funny than you think.


Unexplained Sadness

I’m sitting here in the dark attempting to watch the Academy Awards.  It has been difficult to pay attention because all day today I’ve been fighting with unexplained sadness hiding behind my eyes.  It sometimes gets so strong I wince as I close my eyes tightly in pain before it subsides.

Perhaps it is the loneliness trying to get out.  Perhaps it is the fact that a new week of suffering starts tomorrow at 8:00.  Perhaps it is just the fact that nobody cares.

I’ll never know for sure.

Self Delusion

There comes a time in a lonely man’s life where desperation and futility cancel each other out.  Self-delusion becomes absolutely necessary for continued existence.

I was a number of years ago when I realized the need to give up and convince myself that I had no need for others.  It has been a long and arduous journey but now I find my desire to be around others virtually extinct.

It goes completely against human nature to want to be alone.  This makes the task even more difficult.  The short-term effect is reduced mental anguish.  The long-term effect is yet to be determined.  Consider it the ultimate experiment in humanity.  My foreseeable future involves dying alone in a trailer in the woods to be eaten by my cat.  I guess, when you look at it, it may not be such a bad way to go.  I don’t fear it. It is inevitable therefore it must be accepted.

The future is not necessarily written in stone.  Even stone can be changed. I leave my fate in the hands of Time.  Do with me what you will.  I don’t have the energy to fight you anymore.

Happiness Gauge Chart

The gauge system I built for this blog keeps a record of my entries in a text file that I can easily import into Excel and make a chart.  The image above is a line chart of all the data points I’ve entered since I built the system.

Happiness:  Seems to be mostly up occasionally reaching low points.  Averaging 56.4 overall.  Not too bad.

Frustration: Seems to be mostly low occasionally reaching high points.  A few zero readings.  Average: 36.5.  I’m not sure I agree with this reading.  I feel that its rather high most of the time.

Loneliness:  Mostly low.  I seem to have my loneliness under control for the most part.  Average: 5.8