Mow Naked!!!

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MownakedThere’s the right way and the wrong way to do things.  When it’s 100 degrees outside, you should mow naked.

Today I came home from work a little early.  The pool bottom was covered in settled algae so I stripped out of my monkey suit and vacumed the pool out.

After that I noticed how high the grass was.  The lawnmower was right there on the patio so I jumped right on and took care of it.

I can’t tell you how much better being outside is when you aren’t insulated with textiles.  When the air can caress your bare skin and evaporate all the sweat as it was intended, you are far more comfortable.

I wonder when the rest of the world is going to realize that naked is better.  Until then, too bad for them.

Buying Healthy Food

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hlthyfdNow that I’m a member of the Stent Club I am supposed to eat healthy food that has no cholesterol, salt or sugar.  Not an easy task.

Meat is pretty much out.  Salty snacks, gone. I was surprised to find out that I also have to avoid sugar and carbs.  That really sucks.  That leaves pretty much only vegetables, fruit and nuts.  Things that taste like crap.

Today after work I visited a health food store and walked the aisles for over an hour looking at ingredients and nutritional information.  I found a nice selection of vegetable-based meat and cheese alternatives.  YAY!  I bought a bunch of dried cranberries, nuts and some snacks.  I also found some vegetable-based mayo.  I’m amazed and gladdend to see that such things exist.  These weird things used to be for crazy people but now they are for real people.  I ended up buying $75 worth of stuff.  Sounds expensive but lonely guys have money to burn so what the heck.  I might as well eat.

I can see why humans are so unhealthy.  The stuff we eat everyday are full of bad things and we don’t know it.  It would sure be nice if they could completely replace all saturated fats with unsaturated alternatives.  Surely that could be done.

When looking for healthy food you find that salt is EVERYWHERE.  It’s almost impossible to find anything that doesn’t have salt.  The body does need some salt so I think if I just cut down as much as humanly possible I think I will be OK.

I don’t know.  I’m only 48 and this kind of thing isn’t supposed to happen to me. This whole thing is just a bad dream from which I will eventually wake and find myself where I’m supposed to be.  Just wait.  You’ll see.

The Doctor said I could have sex. LOL!!!!!!

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dctrI went to the doctor for my two week follow-up after my heart angioplasty.  We didn’t have as much time as I wanted to ask all my questions.  I also forgot to write the questions down so it probably wouldn’t have mattered.  He received a text that someone was having a heart attack and had to leave for the emergency room.

One of the things he said nearly killed me.  He said, “It’s OK to have sex but take it easy.”

It took everything I had to bite my tongue and not say anything.  I appreciated the fact that he might assume that someone would want to have sex with me.  Or the fact that having sex was something I did.  Kind of like a regular person.

I wanted to say, “As if!!!”

Well?  The doctor said it was OK.  Anyone want some?

No?  I didn’t think so.

 

Don’t judge others

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dntjdgI’ve written on this subject before once.  Maybe twice.  I don’t remember.  But that’s the problem.  It is a life-lesson that I keep forgetting.

So what is wrong with judging others?  It’s much more than just being about letting others be.  Judging other people makes you feel bad because you end up just noticing how stupid other people appear to be and soon you are the only person left on the planet.

Judging others has become the national pastime of the United States.  There was a time when we were all good and it was OK to live and let live.   It was the time back a few decades ago when America was Great.  Slowly, and for reasons I haven’t been able to put my finger on, we all started to get up in other people’s business and do our utmost job to prevent them from being happy.   I think it has something to do with diversity.  Back in the day, all similar people congregated together and everything was normal.  As we were forced to integrate, we started seeing other people with strange customs and actions as “wrong”.  We have no option but to judge them according to what we know.

The decay or morality also has much to do with it.  Lot of bad people out there these days.

See how easy it is to start judging?  Maybe it’s human nature.  Lately I’ve been noticing myself doing it and it make me feel bad inside.  I feel better when I notice it and prevent myself from getting angry at the perceived stupidity of others.

I’m challenging myself to Live and Let Die.   If people want to be stupid and it makes them happy, they it should be allowed.  This is ‘Merica after all.   We used to be able to be stupid and it was OK.   Freedom!  FREEEEEEEDOMM!   Pursuit of happiness and all that!  I challenge you to recognize your jusgementation.  I’ll bet you will be surprised how often you do it each day.

First day back at work

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bktowrkToday was my first day back at work after my heart stents were put in.  For the first few hours I was still a bit woozy and weird but after I sat up for a while and had my mind occupied I started feeling much better.

Looking for a health lunch, I went to Souper Salad and had a huge salad with beans for protein and a fat-free french dressing that had no cholesterol and minimal salt.  After lunch I felt even better.

I still have some nasty bruises and a little swelling in my groinal-region but it’s not too bad.  I’m keeping an eye on it.

My order from BlueApron.com came in today.  It was three vegetarian cook-it-yourself meals.  When I got home I rested a little then hit the kitchen.   It was a fairly easy to cook the first meal.  Unfortunately it didn’t come out exactly like it is supposed to because I had to leave out the salt, butter and three kinds of nice cheese.  Awwww man.  It included crumbled goat cheese to sprinkle on top.  I tasted it just to see what I was missing and I am missing a lot.  The meal is for tomorrow at work so I only tasted it tonight.  It is OK.  Edible.  We’ll see tomorrow.   It seems OK without the salt.  The instructions mentioned “Salt and pepper to taste” on every step.  Sometimes twice.  Damn!  That’s a lot of salt.

I’m mostly doing well now.  I would say 75%.  As soon as the groin heals I’ll be ready to start exercising.  I already walked about 1-4 miles a week.  I can easily up that a bit.

Mentally, I’m still in a bit of a fog.  I have decisions to make about my life but I’m not really of sound mind to do it now.  I’ll just do what I do best.  Go with the flow.  It has worked for me for 48 years so we’ll see what comes next without worrying about it.

There are still a lot of things I don’t know about my health situation.  I have an appointment with my cardiologist next Wednesday and I expect he will fill me in.  I don’t expect anything he will say will be good.  I have some serious shit in front of me health-wise.  Funny how up to now I thought I was super-healthy.  They say heart disease will sneak up on you.  No shit!  It wasn’t supposed to happen to me though.

 

What is your future?

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thfutrI would be lying if I said my recent brush with death didn’t make me think.  It wasn’t an actual heart attack but I was definitely in the danger zone to have one very soon.  It was what they call Angina.  Pain caused by the lack of blood supply to the heart muscle.  The next step is heart-attack.

So basically, I caught it in time before permanent muscle damage was done to my heart.  I knew that my Father died from a heart attack when he was 48 but I didn’t know that it was as common in his side of the family.  His brothers and his father also died the same way at approximately the same time in their lives.  Talk about a time bomb!  I had no idea it was that serious.

Other than serious heart disease, I’m a rather healthy person who ate relatively well, got some exercise, was not overweight, did not drink or smoke.  This is very hereditary.

With improved, strict, eating habits and medical attention, I will outlive my unfortunate ancestors but probably not by as long as I expected.  My life-expectation was to live to at least 80 in good health not really wanting to go any further than that.  I planned my future accordingly.  Now I think I should not plan for more than 60 at the most.

So, then.  What do I really want out of whatever is left in my life?  One of the ultimate questions I’ve been asking myself for so many decades.  I thought I had it figured out but age and recent incidents may have changed it completely.

Let’s review my life goals.  However stupid they may be.

  1. Sex.  Yes.  I’m a virgin at 48.  Possibly the oldest virgin who ever existed on planet earth.  The pope has had more sex than I have.  The Dalai Lama has had more sex than I have.  I guess it’s not really an important goal.  It’s not like sex is something special that not billions of people have experienced before.  Sure I could go to a prostitute but I don’t think that is really sex.  If I died without ever having experienced sex, I would regret it but I don’t feel that would really be that important.
  2. Love. Obviously, as a 48 year old virgin, I’ve never experienced love either.  I’m not sure I’m capable of love.  I just don’t feel like I have it in me.  Love is also something not unusual since billions of other people have experienced it.  Would the planet be any better for me to have ever loved or to have been loved? I would regret not experiencing love but again, I don’t feel that it would have been that important.
  3. Having children.  More of the same.  You can’t have 3 without 1 and 2. Billions and billions, etc.  I think I would regret not having children mostly for the love and experience of it all.   Many people think that having children “carries on your name”, extends your bloodline, etc.  That’s just stupid.  Why would that matter?  I think it’s the love and experience.  I guess I regret it now because my time for that is passed already.  Technically, it could still happen, but realistically…. No.  So there is no doubt that I will die without having children.  Sucks, but on my deathbed as my heart stops and I slip away into oblivion, it won’t really be important.
  4. A house in the country in a cool climate. Material, but it has been my dream for 30 years.  Every time I pursue this dream my hopes are dashed.  I wanted to build my own house.  I wanted privacy to run around the property naked and happy.  I can still make this happen but now I’m not sure I want it anymore.  I do, but I don’t, but I don’t know.  I’m not counting this out for now but I’m going to back-burner it for a while again until I figure shit out.  It’s not like I don’t have a house now.  It would just be different. It’s that really a big deal?
  5. Early retirement.  Like billions of others, I’ve spent the majority of my life, in school and work.  By the time retirement comes around, you’ve wasted your life and have only a few years left to pack in a little enjoyment before the end comes.  I really don’t want to die while still a slave to society.  I want to be a free man for at least 10 years.   If I can’t expect to live to be more than 60 then I’d better figure out how to escape very soon.   Financially, I could do it right now if it wasn’t for the cost of health-care. Especially now that I am diagnosed with heart disease.  All my hard-earned savings will be quickly depleted on health insurance rather than the good life.  I’m really hoping that Hillary can put together some kind of socialized health care very soon.  Either that or some kind of actually affordable health care that costs less than $200 a month.  I think that’s fair and affordable.  Should that suddenly happen, I’ll be suddenly retired.  If I died without having experienced life without work, then I will be devastated.  (For a minute or two).

I guess that pretty much covers what I wanted out of life.  It’s pretty basic. I don’t want power or money except the money I need to live a basic but comfortable existence.  I don’t want fame.   I don’t want fancy cars or a big house.  I don’t want a super-model wife.  I really just want some time to myself to experience life.  Maybe do a little traveling or try some love and sex.  I just want to live free for a little while.  Is that too much to ask?

So if you live in a house in the country in a place where the summer highs seldom go above 93 and in the winter you spend your evenings in front of the fireplace with your family while the snow falls gently outside the window and you get to have sex with your wife before you go to bed…..you are THE happiest man in the world.  I hope you appreciate it.

Heart Stent

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stntI told you something was wrong and I was right on target with my amateur diagnosis.  I was feeling like a heart attack was in my near future so I decided to drive to the hospital.  As I drove just a few blocks I started feeling really unpleasant.  I pulled into the neighborhood fire station and went in feeling like I was having an heart attack.  They checked me out and drove me to the hospital.  Siren and everything.

They wheeled me into the emergency room and directly to the Cath Lab.  I guess this is a regular thing around there.  I watched live on the monitors as they fed a catheter up a small incision in my groinal region up the artery to my heart where they inject some dye and look for blocked arteries with an x-ray machine.  There was one that was pretty bad so they did the balloon angioplasty followed by three stents to prop open a long section of a cardiac artery.  It went smoothly and they even discharged me directly from the ICU rather than keeping me a second day.  Other than a rather sore groinal region, I feel pretty much fine.

I could totally have died had I not gone in.  It’s not uncommon in my family do die at age 48.  My father did and so did his father.  Apparently it is a hereditary condition making it easy tor plaque to build up on my arteries.  My brother better be careful.

So now I’m home resting and waiting for the soreness to abate.  I am lucky to have neighbors who helped me get my prescriptions and check in on me.  Otherwise I would be completely alone.  Sucks to be sick when you’re lonely.

I have an appointment with my cardiologist in two weeks for a follow-up.  He mentioned that I need to go on a vegetarian diet and get control of my cholesterol and blood pressure.  I’ve already been leaning toward a healthier diet so it shouldn’t be too difficult to take it a few steps further.  I think the main cause is my genes.

So how am I handling my brush with morality?   So far, I’m not too freaked out about it.  Dying wouldn’t have bothered me too much except for the fact that I’ve wasted my life working and planning for a retirement future that may not have ever come.  That would have been the major shame not to have enjoyed the fruits of your labor however material they may have been.  But then that’s the point of living isn’t it?  The meaning of life is to have a good time.  Perhaps I should use this incident as an excuse to make sure I DO have a good time with whatever time is left for me.  I still don’t know how though.  Wouldn’t it be lovely to have someone to spend that time with to make it more meaningful?

 

Am I about to die?

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hrtI’ve been feeling a bit weird lately after doing moderate exercise or simply climbing the stairs.  It just started probably around Thursday or Friday last week.  I feel weak and tired quickly.  It is one of the early symptoms of a possible heart attack.

My father died of a sudden heart attack at my exact current age.  48.  I don’t know if he had any early symptoms since I was only 9 at the time.

Today is Monday and I have an appointment with the doctor Wednesday Morning.  I feel fine as long as I don’t do anything strenuous.  I may be jumping to conclusions in guessing it’s a heart problem but it is certainly possible.  Maybe it’s something else.  We’ll find out.

I would say I eat relatively healthily most of the time.  I get as much exercise as I can but the healthiest people have been known to drop dead from heart issues.  It’s all a lottery.  When you think about it, it’s amazing we live as long as we do.  People used to have a lifespan of just 25 years back in the early days.

If nothing else, assuming I make it to Wednesday, medical technology can fix stuff like clogged arteries.  I had some kind of heart test a few years ago for an extra heartbeat and the tests indicated clear arteries.  Maybe it builds up quickly.  I sure hope they don’t put me on the treadmill.  I nearly passed out last time.  This time for sure.

I’ve been taking some aspirin to help thin my blood just in case it is a clogged artery issue.  I hear that is effective.  Why not.  Makes sense.

It might be a case of getting what you ask for.  I spent 20 years praying for death.  Funny that you finally get your prayers answered AFTER you come to the conclusion that life is worth living and things are looking up.  God has a weird sense of humor.

If you don’t hear from me within a few days then I may be stuck in the hospital or dead.  Somebody please feed my cat.

 

Lost my goal in life. Now what?

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prpsFor the last 6 months or more I revived my life goal of moving to a small town in Colorado where the air is cool and fresh and the people are white like me.  I found that town a while back and visited a few times to look at land.  Each time I come home disappointed because I’m not rich enough to buy the kind of land I want.  Each time, after a few years pass, the filter of desire made me forget that and I once again get excited about it and life seems to have meaning and purpose again.  I feel happy and good with life in general.

I just got back from another land seeking trip and once again I come home as a lost soul.  I think I’ve learned my lesson this time.  But now what?  What am I supposed to do now?  Sure, I can keep looking in other places but I’ve been deceiving myself.  I can’t leave San Antonio as long as my 87 year old mom is still alive.  She needs me.  She may live another 10 years.  By that time I’ll be too old to achieve my dream.   But that’s not the point.

Is it even a valid life goal?  To build a house in a place with nice climate and beautiful scenery?  Technically, it is generally an easy goal to achieve. But then what?  Once it’s done then I again have no goal.  Therefore it’s not a Life Goal.  It’s just a stepping goal.  It’s not really a purpose either.  It’s just a means to an end.

I’m not sure what I’m even rambling incoherently about.  It’s not coming out right. I’ve written before about goals and purpose.  I’ll have to go find it and re-read it.  But before I do that I want to try a fresh approach.

So what if you don’t have a goal?  Do you need one?  Other people don’t appear to have them so what makes me think I have to have one?  Other people muddle through life taking whatever it has to give them.  Why do I keep feeling that there has to be more?  Why can’t I just let life happen without feeling the frustrated desire of making it mean something?  Is it good enough to just be a good person?  Is it good enough to just be like everyone else?  Do what everyone else does?  Have what everyone else has?

Life is relatively short and you could easily miss it.  It really does go by in the blink of an eye and soon you’ll be on your death-bed not having accomplished anything of real value.  Would it even matter?  After you’re dead it won’t matter.  Maybe, if you’re lucky, somebody will remember you once or twice a year as they muddle through their own pointless lives.  If you’re not.  You’ll never know anyway.

So what is the purpose of life?  Is it really to achieve material goals?  How can that be important?  I once said, in my youth, that the purpose of life is to have a good time.  I remember that now.  Strange how old memories come back to you.  I must have been in high school when I came to that conclusion.  I need to write that up and frame it on my wall.  I’m glad I wrote this blog entry.

Having a good time is the only plausible explanation.  You can’t take anything with you when you die.  A good life is one that ends with no regrets.  I’m going to ponder this concept a bit for the next few days.  I feel a little better now.  Writing can be very therapeutic.  You should try it.

Now I need to figure out how to have a good time.  It’s not something I do easily or well.  I need a teacher.  They say when a student is ready, the teacher will appear.  I need to make myself ready.

To be continued….hopefully.

 

Dreamblog – Back in the University

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hvrdunvIt’s amazing how many times my dreams return to being in college.  I never dream bout high school.

It is, I’m sure, a common anxiety dream where I am back in school as if I have missed a few weeks or months and am trying to find my classroom.  I tried each floor until something looked familiar.  I walked down the hallway until I recognized the professor’s voice. He sounded and looked similar to Michio Kaku.  I sneaked in to the lecture hall and sat in the back row.

The teacher walked around the room as he was talking and kept popping up in different places dressed differently. I was very drowsy and had a hard time staying awake.  I felt something warm leaning against me which I thought was the student in the next chair but it was a cat.  I sat there petting the cat while doing my best to stay conscious.

At the end of the class I walked down to the front of the room and noticed how easy it was to see other students who were passed out.

There was more to this dream but it is already the evening later and I don’t remember any more of it.  You really have to write your dreams down immediately or they evaporate.  I’m lucky to remember this much.

 

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