A Diamond Among Ogres


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dmndI usually go about my life keeping to myself.  I see other people but I don’t really look at them.

Ever since I was a kid, I had a low sense of self-esteem.  I felt ugly because nobody else would ever look at me.  They still don’t look at me but as I said before, I don’t look at others either.  Apparently this is a common practice among the Humans.  We all mill about in our self-absorbed state either lost in our own head or in our cell phone.  But I digress.

Today I stood in various check-out lines doing my weekend-cram shopping like the other 7 billion people on this planet locked into the matrix of the daily grind.  I looked around at the girls I see looking for a hint of what I might consider to be beauty.  I realized that I spent 47 years being an ogre amongst royalty yet if I really look closely.  I’m just an ogre among ogres.  In fact, In comparison, I might actually be a diamond.  Let’s not digress into the frustrating fact that girls don’t look at me at all.  I still haven’t figured that out.  I guess I’m and invisible diamond.  That’t the rarest type.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not one of those high-on-myself types that can only be attracted to a young, beautiful princess.  In fact, just the opposite.  I feel far more attracted to female ogres than princesses.  The strange part is that among all the ogresses I see, I feel no physical attraction.  San Antonio is a city full of gross people.  I hate to be racist but with such a high population of hispanics here, the people all look like they were beaten with the ugly stick.

It’s not just the outside I look at.  I can handle the exterior ugly.  I see by their actions that they are ugly on the inside.  When I see a physically beautiful girl I think:  What a bitch!   She looks self-absorbed and high maintenance.   When I see hispanic girls trying to look pretty I think: Slut.  You know she’s doing any guy who comes along.  Wearing those tiny short shorts on those fat clumpy legs.

I’ve rambled on so long now I don’t even know what my point was.  This post just turned into a rant.  Well, you’ve got to let it out sometimes and you will often learn something about yourself.


I love Indian and Asian movies


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bemhI’ve been watching a lot of Indian (dots, not feathers) and Asian movies lately.   There’s something special about them and I know what it is.

I really enjoy seeing people who have culture and traditions and value their family above all else.  There are so many cultures around the world who are like that.  It his highly unfortunate that I live in the United States where anything goes and nobody gives a shit.

In a culture of Beer and Sex, where I don’t like one and can’t have the other, I find it sad and empty.  At least I can watch movies from other lands and know that somewhere out there are people who actually live lives of love and caring.  Thank God for that.


Memory – Backyard Camping



I’m siting in my RV out at Garner State Park waiting for some rice to cook when an old camping memory surfaced. I camp alone because there’s nobody else to come with me. I was recalling a time when I was a young boy and my friend Vincent and John who live two houses down were going to camp out in their back yard. I’d been camping before with my parents but they had not.

We set up a little tent and were all set. As evening slowly fell, they went inside the house and never came back out. I was pissed off so I yelled out, “Go to hell!!” and walked home. Of course by the time I got two houses down their mom had already called mine and told her what I said. Like I gave a damn.

Finding people who appreciate awesomeness is extremely difficult on this planet. I’m not sure why. I am doomed to enjoy all the awesomeness by myself. I guess that way there is more to go around.

RV Camping trip to Garner State Park 2016


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streamIt has been a long time since I’d taken a day or two off of work so I browsed the internet for a place to spend a few days out in the wild. I hoped to go on a Saturday and Sunday so as not to waste too much precious vacation time at once but Fridays and Saturdays at any park are booked up through 2096. Fortunately the calendar indicates that the masses have to be back to work on Mondays so they leave the parks Sunday Afternoon. That was a pleasant surprise so I scheduled a Sunday, Monday and Tuesday reservation.

Saturday around noon, I brought the RV home from storage and gave it a good washing with the help of my neighbor’s bored son and daughter. They were excited to climb on the roof and help me wash the stroage dust. We ended up in an old-fashioned hose nozzle water fight and were thrououghly drenched by the time it was done.

Sunday morning I finished loading up my supplies and hit the road. It was a nice 80 mile ride through the mostly empty Texas Higway 90. It sprinkled a little. The weather report for the next few days is cloudy with a 20% chance of rain. I was OK with that. Camping is much nicer when you don’t have to run the air conditioner al the time. Plus you don’t get as sunburned.

As I turned onto the northbound road from Sabinal I noticed the large number of cars, trucks and RVs headed the other way. The masses evaculate! Yay! I arrived at 2:00 as expected. The trip used 3/4 of a tank of gas. I calculate that is about 8 MPG in the old RV. Pretty normal for a machine of that age. Good thing gas is cheap and I am rich.

I pulled in and had my pick of the spots. I got one that backs up to the river and has a nice shady Live Oak Tree with a picnic table and a firepit. I backed the rig into my spot, leveled it and hooked up the power and water. Done!

The area was virtually deserted except for a few RVs scattered here and there containing retired people who had nothing else to do. That will be me some day. I walked down to check out the river. It was just about a hundred feet down the path through the trees. The water was amazingly clear and clean. I walked along the bank for a while, sometimes climbing over the rocks. It was cloudy and the breeze was almost cold so I didn’t exactly want to jump into the water at the time. I found a spot where I could sit and dip my feet into the water. It was cold but nice after the long walk. I took a picture and texted it to my mom whom I promised I would notify when I arrived.

After a while I headed back to the RV and put the fajitas on the grill. There were also some spanish rice and charro beans to make a Mexican style meal complete. When in Texas, do as the Mexicans do. After eating I went for a bike rid around this part of the park then went back into the RV and watched a movie while looking out the window at the surounding nature. Now that’s what I call camping! It wasn’t really cool enough to do the campfire thing which worked out OK since a huge thunderstorm came through. The lightening and thunder were fantastic. At one point a thunderbolt was so loud that I thought it was the end of the world. As usual though, it was all bark and no bite. There was very little rain which suited me just fine. I looked out the window and saw the stars in the sky as I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to a blue sky. So much for cloudy and rain. After a bit of brunch I drove the RV over to another section that was better to test my new inflatable kayak that I just bought for $99 over the internet. I pumped it up and paddled scerenely around the cypress shaded river as I looked down through the crystal clear water to see the fish swiming around. This is a very nice place to be a fish. A couple of girls and a guy came walking down the river. They also commented about how all the people leave on Sunday afternoon. They were there for the big thunderstorm last night too.

After sufficently testing my kayak, I deflated it and packed it up into my RV and went back to my assigned spot. It was hot and sunny so I put on my tiny swim shorts and applied sunscreen for a walk down the river. Now that the sun was shining, walking in the river was very nice. I waded through variable depths until I found a spot near the center of the river that was shielded by reeds from both banks. It was an area with a strong current cascading over rocks. As a nudist I couldn’t help but get naked. Going naked in a state park is illegal for some reason but if nobody sees you then technically no laws are broken. If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there to see it, does it make a sound? I would think that a state park would be a great place for everyone to get naked and enjoy nature. In a better world people would not wear clothes.

I played around in the cascading stream appreciating the cold water and the hot sun on my naked body. You don’t get to do this very often. There was a rock that was bathed in water yet was just below the surface so I could lay on it and drink in the sun. Vitamin D from the sun is very good for you. I enjoyed the momend for at least 20 minutes then sat up against the rock facing upstream. It was difficult because the rushing water was very powerful. It flapped my dick around until it became as hard as the rock I was bracing myself against. I sat up on the rock and stroked myself gently in the sun until I came all over my stomach. If only someone else was there to enjoy it with me.

I reluctantly put on my little swimsuit and headed back down the river. I could feel that I was starting to get sunburned so it was time to get out of it. The water was so clear that I had to swim in a few of the deep blue holes along the way. I wish I had my snorkel gear with me. Not to self. Next time bring snorkel gear. I passed one older couple sitting in the river. We greeted each other in passing. I stumbled down the rushing river at akle depth until I found my pathway leading back to the RV.

It was dinner time so I grilled up a nice T-bone steak, baked potato and jalapeno ranch-style beans. Damn good! It was very hot so I had to turn on the Air Conditioner and take a nap. I watched an episode of the New Screensavers that I downloaded before I left. Always a big fan of technology. Still to tired to do anything else, I watched another movie and fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to a cloudy sky. Good! Hot bad! It was going-home day. Booo. I was just getting into the groove of relaxing properly. They really should give us WAY more time off. In some European countries they get a month or so off each year. Kind of like teachers do here but for everyone. In a better world we would not be forced to work the majority of our lives away. Who voted for that?

I had planned to do a little fishing but the fish I saw from my kayak were not really worth the trouble. It has been 30 years since I’ve been fishing. When my father died when I was 9 I pretty much had no reason to fish again. In Texas state parks, you don’t need a fishing license. Hey. They got something right! Still, I’ll save it for another time. I’m ready to pack things up and head home. I still need to clean the oak pollen things out of my swimming pool and do a few things around the house before I head back to the daily grind. So long nature. Hello Mundania.

Dreamblog – The Auto Parts Store Interview


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I was applying for a job in an auto parts store.  Right at the counter they began the interview.  They handed me a large part to identify.  It made no sense because it was a washing machine motor with a lobed cam attached.  I didn’t know what it was.

A guy brought a 10 speed bike to the counter.  He pointed to and named off a few parts.  The deraileur, the sprocket, the brakes, etc.  He pointed to the front deraileur and asked me what it was.  I couldn’t remember the name.

I woke up wondering why I was applying for a job in an auto parts store.  In real life, I could totally pull it off but I don’t think I would want to.  I think the correct answer to the washing machine motor would have been to say that it was not an auto part.  Trick question.


What do I want?


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wdiwI try to avoid the subject but every once in a while something happens that makes me think about it again.

Yesterday I did my Taxes for the year.  I was later than usual because time and energy just never converged.  Finally I forced the issue.  Turns out it was beneficial because I will be getting $1700 back.  Noice!

The requisite thing for the common person to do would be to feel that that money came from nowhere and is ripe to be spent.  Of course I am smart enough to realize that it is hard-earned money returned back to me and not magical pennies from heaven.  There is obviously the urge to spend it and that’s what brings up the main subject.  If I was to spend it, what do I want?

I really can’t think of anything I would waste $1700 on.  I have no special desire for anything material that I don’t already have.  There’s no point wasting it on some kind of physical item that would interest me for 5 minutes then be forgotten like a child with a new toy.  I don’t need anything.  I don’t specifically want anything.

The things I want cannot be purchased with mere money anyway.  They are more spiritual I guess.  My list of wants include:

  1. Someone to play with.  (Golf, Volleyball, Scuba Diving, Swimming, Hiking)
  2. Someone to work with. (Welding, Woodworking, Electronics, Yardwork)
  3. Someone to be a nudist with me.
  4. Someone to look at me.
  5. Someone to touch me.
  6. Someone to care.

Well that’s interesting!  I guess they all have something in common, don’t they?  “Someone.”  Funny how a list can put a pattern on things. I love lists.

What a bizarre thing the human brain is.  It wants what it wants and you can’t do anything about it.

So what of the $1700?  Money in the bank, Baby!   I’ll put it towards my early retirement plan.  Add that to the list.

My Friends Are Making Me Rich



rchI only have a few people who I might refer to as “friends”.  They are good people but they don’t make much money.  All their money goes to bills and stuff so they don’t have any left go have fun.  No vacations or fun of any kind.

As a result, all my money goes into my bank account.  So now I’m rich and bored.


Depression – Do not seek the sympathy of others


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smpthyIf you are depressed, I’m going to give you some very important advice.  Maybe you won’t accept it right now but I implore you to give it some thought.  It may save your life later.

I spent over 20 years in a deep depression.  I had no idea what to do about it.  All I wanted was for somebody to help me.  I made things worse for myself by playing up the depression in front of others desperate for them to notice and just perhaps give a shit and help me.  Help never came.  Friends, family, co-workers.  Nobody cared enough to even acknowledge my pain.

I continued to cry out in the only way I could but that only made matters worse for myself.  Depression feeds upon itself.  Read all the old entries in this blog and see where I was.

It wasn’t until I realized that the only help that was coming to me was the help that I gave myself.  I wish I could tell you exactly when and how I changed my life but I can’t remember right now.  It’s in this blog somewhere.

The important thing right now is that if you are in the same situation, whether you know it or not, don’t waste your time trying to get sympathy from other people.  They will not come to your aid and you will just be destroying yourself further.  Take my advice.  I know this for a fact.

I voted for Donald Trump but I think I made a big mistake


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trmppresSo I decided to vote for Donald Trump in the week before Super Tuesday in Texas.  At the time it seemed like a good idea.  I knew he was not your regular politician and that’s what most people like about him.  I love the idea of an outsider who might come in an fix all the broken stuff in the country.  I would really have preferred Ben Carson.  He is smart and able to think clearly.  Unfortunately he just didn’t have a chance.  I hate to say it would have been throwing away my vote but you can’t argue with that reality.  Had he been closer to the top he would have gotten my vote with no regrets.

I am having regrets now.  I like Donald but he is just too unstable.  He is acting like a child and I’m not really feeling the vibe that he would be a good president.  Maybe he would but can we really take a chance on something as important as the President of the United States?   Obama was smart but he turned out to be a worthless president.  The country is not better-off after his reign.  I can’t help feeling in the back of my mind that if he wins the Republican nomination that he will throw the election on purpose so that Hilary will be in.  I don’t want to see what little there is left of my country after 4 or 8 years of Hillary.  There’s nothing good about that.  I really feel that that is what his plan is.  He’s not stupid.

If I could go back and revote then I would chose Ted Cruz.  He seems to be serious and fairly trustworthy as far as a politician can be.  We need a leader who will be strong and make our country powerful again.  Of our choices, I really think he might be the one who can get us back on the right track.

I like John Kasich too.  He seems most trustworthy but he is also washing out.  Very unfortunate.  I really wish the media would be more unbiased and give everyone equal time at the debates.  It’s not right for them to snub the candidates who are lower in the polls.  People should be outraged about this.

Marco Rubio also seems a bit childish but he is caught up in the campaign.  I don’t think he would be quite as bad in office. He’s young and perhaps a young president might be a refreshing thing.

So if you are reading this, I’m asking you to go cancel out my vote for Donald Trump before it is too late.  I just don’t feel right about him and I know you don’t either.  Vote with your brain.  Don’t let the hype cloud your decision.



One year review and a nice raise


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pyrseCan you believe it?  A whole year has passed in my new job at the bank.  The speed at which time is passing is really freaking me out.  The End has to be really near now.

Anyway.  I had my first annual performance review today. It was very good of course.  They are quite impressed with my work.  I understand it is common for most people to get a 3% raise and I racked up a 3.5.

In addition, since I was just happy to get the job at a salary almost twice what I expected it turns out that they recommended I get an additional increase for competitiveness with the market.  I ended up with a 5.8% raise.  On top of that we get an annual bonus of 6%.   Pretty sweet.

Life works out for me without even trying and I totally appreciate it.  Good things come to those who wait.


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