Dreamblog – Can’t find my music!!!

With my community band Spring Concert just a few days away it’s no wonder I’m having this dream.

The concert started and we finished the first song.  I put it away and reached for the second piece but it wasn’t there.  The band started playing and I was frantically searching my folder for the pages I needed.  Nothing!

The third song started and still I had no music.  My solo was coming up.  Did I have it memorized?  NO!

SHIT!

Finally I woke up before things got really bad.  It was one of those dreams where you say to yourself out loud, “That sucked!”

A few days later…

OMG it almost came true!   The concert was going on and we were playing a piece with a big solo coming up.  I turned the page and…it was missing!!!  Panicked, I flipped through the remaining sheets but couldn’t identify it.  I was having a major flashback and freaking out.  No.  I didn’t have it memorized.  I was screwed!  I hoped to god that the 2nd chair player had the same part.  She did!   I reached over and turned her stand a little bit toward me.  She knew what happened.  I was just in time to start playing the solo.  Whew!  That would have sucked most royally.  Between pieces, I continued my search and found it hiding inside another song.  That’s what nightmares are made of.

I don’t usually have prophetic dreams but this one was spot on.

Read more of my dreams.

Out of Phase

All my life, I’ve felt out of phase with this planet.  Maybe not the planet itself but the humans that infest it.

I’m like a four dimensional being in a three dimensional world.  There’s something amazing right here but nobody can see it.  Thinking fourth-dimensionally is difficult so consider a three dimensional object in a two dimensional world.   If you could only see one face of a cube, you would see nothing but a square.  A blank face is all you can visualize while 99% of the object can never be seen.  That’s me.  The majority of me is beyond the comprehension of regular beings.  I can tell because whenever I try to share something awesome, they look at me like I’m something they’ve never seen before. You know that face they make? Like, “What?”

I’m a ghost.  If I try hard enough I can make myself visible, but without major effort, I walk the planet completely unseen.  Am I here or am I not?

Like a demon, people can summon me when they want something from me.  I’m not sure how they do it but I always seem to be there for them to work my magic and make it all better.  If they don’t need me then I cease to exist until called upon again.

What a wonderful existence.

 

 

Should you give to Panhandlers?

Panhandling seems to be getting worse in San Antonio.  I don’t know what it is like in other cities but there are many intersections where they camp out every day with their cardboard signs and guilt you into giving them your change.

I am confused inside about what to do.  I don’t want to promote the idea of intersection panhandling but I also want to help them.

Some of them really need help and others are just lazy.  I’ve seen a surge of young people who are fully capable of getting a job out there begging for money while sipping on their Starbucks.  Both boys and girls.  I call them boys and girls because they are probably less than 30 and sometimes less than 20.  That’s very wrong.  The sad thing is that they are probably making more money panhandling than working at a fast food place.   I can’t give money to these kids.  They need to try harder.  They most likely didn’t pay attention in school and are now paying the price.  Maybe they are just in a temporary ditch but this isn’t the way out.

The majority of the panhandlers are haggardly and old.  These people are obviously long-term homeless.  They likely lost their blue-collar jobs and are too old and unskilled to make it in today’s society.  I sometimes will give them my change or maybe a $5.  Still, I don’t want to support panhandling so usually I don’t if I don’t have money handy.  I wish I could take one to lunch and find out what his/her story is.   On the other hand, you don’t want to get caught up in other people’s problems.

The third category are often middle-aged veterans (or so they say).  Some are missing limbs so they are likely telling the truth.  Those are the ones you feel for the most.  Usually unkempt and hairy indicating long-term homelessness.  It’s strange to know that someone who lost part of their body in service to their country are left to beg for money on the side of the road.  Obviously the country can’t support them 100% but there must be something that can be done like temporary housing and an education program to prepare them for civilian life.  Veterans have often joined the service because they don’t have the skills to make it in the first place.  I want to help them the most but still don’t want to promote the way they are doing it.

The road that I work on is a high homeless area.  Probably because of Goodwill store.  I am often approached in nearby restaurants.

San Antonio has support for the homeless but few seem to take advantage of it.  I’m guessing that panhandling pays rather well so why get free soup?  The weather isn’t usually bad here so they camp out wherever they want for free.

You can give to the local charities but it won’t get to these particular people.    Also, I would probably not give to one of those charities because I would not see it get to anyone.  I wish there was something else or a better way.

There doesn’t seem to be a better way so maybe I’ll keep some Ones and Fives handy in the car to give to those who really seem to need it.  Giving does actually make you feel a little better about yourself.  It’s a tough call. I can see why most people just ignore the homeless as if they don’t exist.  I at least try to make eye contact in some way.  It’s something.

What do you do?

Another four solar panels added to my system

I got the bug again and bought another four solar panels to add to my system.  I had to take up all the current panels and move them over, build another rail mounting system and splice together the power cables.  It took a few weeks but I finally got the first of the next four on the roof.

As you can see in the image, the new panel is the one showing 559Wh. It’s not easy for a person to accomplish such a feat when one has nobody to depend on for assistance.  Luckily, with a good brain and the right tools one man can move the mountain.

The hardest part was getting the panel itself up to the 2nd story without killing myself.   I tried using a rope to pull the 40 pound panel up the ladder but it wasn’t going to budge.  Fortunately, I still had the special hook I fabricated last time.  Using the hook made of welded steel angle brackets, I was able to move the panel up the ladder one rung at a time.  I took a break to make sure I was fresh then pushed it up onto the roof.  I didn’t really feel especially unsafe at any time so I’m going to say it is a good system.  Getting them down when I move may be another story though.  Sure wish I had a crane.

The weekend is over now and I’m out of time and energy so I’ll see about getting the other three panels up, one a day, over the next week evenings.  Best to not overexert yourself when doing something dangerous.

Solar power is awesome and especially affordable when you do it yourself.  This is something that makes life worth living.

See a live interactive view of my system.

Appreciating Awesomeness

I’ve written before about the lack of other people’s ability to appreciate awesomeness.   It saddens me.

Today during a break at work, I went into the breakroom and stretched out on the couch.  I pulled out my phone and headphones and listened to a recording of my community band’s 2016 spring concert.  I listened to Danzon #2.  Listen to it here.

No.  It’s not perfect but damn!  It’s seriously good considering we is a community band made up of volunteer musicians.

As I listened to the streaming awesomeness I thought about the people I know and how not one of them appreciates it.  They don’t come to my concerts.  They don’t listen to the recordings.  They don’t give a shit.  My eyes leaked with sadness for them.

It is so difficult living in an awesome world while the zombies all around you go through life with blinders on.  I just don’t know what to do.  How do you make people stop and see the greatness?

 

 

 

Snapchat Stock

The other day I decided to buy some Snapchat stock.  Yeah, I know it has no real value but neither did Facebook.  I went ahead and bought $1000 worth at $23.75 to see what happens.  Of course it is immediately going down.

I bought Facebook back when it as $36.00.  Held it as it sunk into the lows.  Eventually, around a year later it rose back to $36.  Figuring I would be lucky to break even, I sold it at $36 to get my money back.  Now it is at $138.68.  Had I held it I would have made $5100.00.

I feel that Snapchat is in the same condition as Facebook.  It has potential so this time I’m holding it long term.

I don’t use Snapchat.  It’s a kids thing that I have no use for but it is a popular medium that reaches the kids who are otherwise disconnected from media advertising like TV and Radio.  It is just a matter of time before Snapchat figures out how to monetize or is sold to Facebook or Google.  I might buy more when the price bottoms out.  What the hell.  Facebook and Google are doing their best to create an alternative but Snapchat is already the de facto medium of choice amongst the grommets.

I’m not going to miss this opportunity this time.  Let’s hope the gods of fate don’t take this opportunity to kick my ass again.

 

Dangerous attitude settling in

I need an attitude adjustment and I need it very soon.  Like NOW!

I am falling down and need help getting back up.  I don’t have anyone to help me so I’m going to have to do it myself somehow.  Perhaps like they say, Just admitting that you have a problem means that you are not too far gone.

It’s only Monday and I spent it staring at my computer screen all day at work.  I tried to read to pass the time between a sparse number of help desk calls but reading was difficult.  My eyes would not lock onto the words in order.  They skipped around reading random words and making no sense.  My mind was preoccupied and there was no stopping it because the subject is of utmost importance.

I’m tired.  I’m deathly tired.  I don’t want to work any longer.  30 years of getting up early and spending the day doing nothing important to myself is more than anyone should have to bear.  Technically I have 11 more years before I reach the age of retirement.  There’s no way in hell I’m going to last 11 days much less 11 years.

I was ready to stop around two years ago when I took my 10 month sabbatical.  That was before my near heart attack.  I was immortal.  Now I’m mortal and need health insurance.  How can I stop working?  I’m trapped like all the other humans.  I am REALLY hoping Donald Trump can put together a health care system that I can afford without having to work my ass off.  I really wish we had universal health care like Canada and Britain.

I still have a plan to move out of the horrible city to a small town.  It is doable but I’m having a hell of a time finding land.  I know.  Patience you must have.  I have it but I’m running out quickly.

In the meantime I’m in a bad place mentally and I need to fix it right now.  I’ve successfully changed my attitude on a dime in the past so I’m hoping I can do it again tonight.  I’m going to go out and sit in the hot tub and see if I can work it out.  Wish me luck or pray for me.  I’ll take anything at this point.

You know.  If I had a proper friend who made me smile, things would be completely different.

A Little later…

It worked!  Thank you for your well wishes.  I’m sure that helped in some way.
I sat in the hot tub out in the darkness of the back yard and discussed it with myself.  Eventually I came to a conclusion that even though I am not getting what I need out of life in a timely manner, I can at least have one thing.  Hope.

I used to laugh at people who said they have “Hope” because I didn’t understand what it meant.  Yeah I know what the word means but what does Hope really represent?

Hope it what we have inside that says that things will work out eventually.  I still have time and the things I need are within reach.  I’ve already made the commitment to the idea now I just have to allow it to happen.  The things I need in life eventually come to me.  I just have to know how to recognize them when they present themselves.  Recognizing them is not always easy.  They often slip by and it isn’t until later that I realize that they got away from me.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to work with a good attitude and I’m going to continue studying to take my Windows 10 MCSA exam.   They are going to pay for me to also go to training for Microsoft Exchange sometime very soon.  I’m going to take advantage of it and get my Exchange certification.  With those two certifications and my 30 years of experience, when the time comes and I move to my happy place, I should have no problem getting the kind of job I need and want.

I feel much better now.  See. That’s how you change your attitude.  It’s really all in your head.  Remember the Hope.  Nobody can take it away from you.  Not even yourself.

 

 

 

Online Dating? Not.

I had the conversation with my therapist the other day on the subject of my social life.  It’s obviously zero because that’s the way I like it.  Still, it made me give it second thoughts.

I decided to give match.com a look today just to see what I was missing.  I filled out the basic questionnaire just basically wanting to see some search results.  Eventually I pressed search and was presented with a screen of 40-49 year old women.  I was immediately turned off.  But why?

Maybe it’s the fact that they are old.  More likely, it’s the fact that they are actual women who want commitment and love.  Something I can’t provide.  I just don’t see myself in that kind of role.  I don’t have it in me.   I’m not looking for love in the first place.  Sex, yes.  Love, no.

What I really need is not Match.com.  I need Justfirends.com.  Curiously, I typed it into the URL bar of my browser but no such site exists.  There’s a server there but it’s just something screwed up.

Oh well.  At least I know that online dating is not for me.  Whatever.

 

 

Life Goes On

There have been three deaths in my community band over the last few months.  Just last week one of our clarinet players passed away walking out to her car after rehearsal.  At least she died among friends instead of alone in an empty house.

Despite the three deaths and my near-death last year, I find myself not feeling a lot.  I wonder if it is just me or that’s the way it is.  Life comes and goes and there’s little you can do about it.  Other than these people’s close relatives, I don’t see a lot of lasting impact on others either.  The band played on just the same.  I’m guessing that it isn’t just me who has a lack of ability to care for more than a few minutes.   They all continue to go to work the next day as if nothing happened.  As if a lifetime of experiences that is suddenly lost to eternity mean absolutely nothing.

When you die, life goes on.  You will be forgotten and the world continues to turn.

It kind of makes me wonder why we struggle so hard.  We spend a third of our life in school.  We spend another third or more working 8-5 at a pointless job so we can buy pointless crap.  If we have a few years left at the end, we live out our pointless life, generally without any money left to enjoy it.  The next thing you know it’s over and you have nothing to show for it.  You can’t take any of it with you anyway.

Those who knew you will say, “Meh.” and head off to work the next morning as if nothing happened to continue the cycle until they die as well.

Dark thoughts but can you say it’s not true?

 

Dreamblog – Global Thermonuclear War

I was down in the bunker of a missile silo and war was eminent.  Tensions were high.

I transmitted the launch codes to the other silos as the General paced behind me.  We watched the monitors for incoming missiles.

Suddenly we saw the traces streaking across the screen.  The General yelled out, “FIRE!”  I repeated his command.  The technician at the next console repeated after me and pressed the big red button.  There was a roar as the missile launched into the air then silence.

We all sat there waiting as the traces on the monitor showed the enemy missiles approaching.  Suddenly we heard a large explosion and felt the ground shake around us.

It was the end.

I woke up feeling disappointed that it wasn’t real.

Read more of my dreams.