A Week of Soul Searching – The Results

I put this week on my calendar to ensure that it was blocked off. I also made sure that nobody could call or text me. It was a whole guaranteed week of uninterrupted me-time where I could rest and reflect and do some serious soul searching.

It was wonderful to be untouched by exterior demands. I was free to do as I please.

I’m not a sedentary person so just sitting around was impossible. I got so many great things accomplished as well as spending plenty of time on the couch.

Overall, my soul searching was partially successful. I don’t expect we are ever fully successful in this endeavor. Perhaps the best accomplishment was my rediscovery of Buddhism. I studied it well a number of years ago but it’s amazing how easily we forget things that are so important. Our daily lives wash those important lessons away like water down the drain.

The main premise of Buddhism is that life is dissatisfaction and we can conquer dissatisfaction by controlling our desires.

Easier said than done when your deepest desire is a basic human nature function. Ah, there’s the rub!

My unfulfillable desire for compatible companionship is part of the meaning of life. That explains why I can’t just let it go. It’s part of our DNA. Part of our programming. It’s our purpose. The desire can be banished temporarily but it will ALWAYS return. That is guaranteed.

I also learned that perhaps I should consider trying harder and be less choosy. There is something to be said for partially compatible companionship. At least it’s something. How to accomplish that, I don’t have the foggiest idea. I have 53 years of self-programming that would have to be rewritten. I should at least cherish time spent with those around me.

I guess if I was serious, I would need help. How does one find that kind of help.

Anyway. Overall, my soul searching week was a positive experience. I have a choice of going either East or West. Both paths are dark and scary. Perhaps I’ll just stay right where I am in the middle as I always have. It’s incredibly painful sitting in my vat of acid but it’s easy. Sometimes the easy path is the best.

I’ll have to do this more often. You really need an extended period of uninterrupted self-time every once in a while. It’s totally worth it. You have to figure out where you are before you can figure out where to go.

Stoicism – My new path?

Marcus Aurelius

It was a word that I’ve heard in the past but it never made it out of my subconscious until just recently.

Stoicism teaches the development of self-control and fortitude as a means of overcoming destructive emotions.

Most people have always considered me to be rather stoic in the sense that I appear calm on the outside. Perhaps I am a natural Stoic but I have MUCH to learn. Those people have no idea about the rage and turmoil inside. If you read my blog often, you know. If anything I’m a Stoic fraud. Perhaps I can legitimize it if I work on it.

I studied Buddhism which has brought me a long way from the angry blob I used to be. However, I seemed to have gone as far as it can take me. Now that I’ve heard of Stoicism, maybe I can go a few more steps.

Currently, my understanding is minimal. I’m excited because there is much to learn by reading and listening to teachers. An easy start may be the podcast to which I just subscribed. “The Daily Stoic” seems to have what I need to get started. I’ve heard a few so far and am looking forward to learning more.

Stoicism is an ancient philosophy that flourished throughout the Roman and Greek worlds. Emperor Marcus Aurelius was a serious Stoic and therefore was a great leader with strong ethics.

What good is Stoicism?

Imagine the Ancient Roman Empire under Marcus Aurelius. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where people basically minded their own business, were empathetic, and controlled their negative emotions? We ALL could use a little of that nowadays. The modern world has lost all control and is quickly going down the tubes as we all rage heavily against each other. That’s not helpful.

I challenge you to join me in the study of Stoicism. I can’t guarantee that this blog will turn Stoic because it is my only place to vent but I’ll try to share my learnings in an effort to help myself remember them. Remembering what you’ve learned and actively applying it is incredibly difficult.

Being a successful Stoic might mean that I don’t have to vent anymore but we’ll have to see about that. It also doesn’t mean that you have to be Mr. Spock but I tend to take things to the extreme in the effort to make sure they work. I often figure that if some is good, then more or all must be better. Stoicism isn’t about giving up your feelings but being that I have no one with whom to share my feelings, it is likely that I could go full Vulcan. LOL but not really.

Star Wars – A New Appreciation

I was nine years old in 1977 when Star Wars Episode 4 hit the theaters. It was the perfect age to be at the perfect time.

As a little boy, Star Wars was BIG! Not only was it an epic story told in an epic way, it was the first movie of it’s kind to have special effects that were completely amazing. The music of John Williams put it over the top.

My friends and I drew X-Wings, Tie Fighters, and Death Stars. We had two more movies to look forward to. There were video games and all sorts of marketing. Life was good back then.

After the trilogy concluded in 1983, I was 18 and graduating from high school. The movies were done and I was older and off to join the working zombie masses. We had no idea that there were more movies to come in the distant future of 1999.

16 years later, I was 34, and Episodes 1, 2, and 3 were appearing on the big screens. By that time I was pretty much, “Meh.” The world was disappointed with what we saw. Having grown up with Star Wars, the new movies were primarily political in nature. We were not impressed.

Suddenly, I was 50 and Disney bought out George Lucas and more and more Star Wars regurgitated from the Marketing Machine making something that was special even more banal. There were animated series that even yet, seem to be nothing but entertainment for the unthinking. Either that or they are genius and I haven’t figured them out yet.

Now I’m 54 and retired so I decided it was time to give the complete Star Wars another chance by watching the movies in chronological order. Unless you are familiar with politics and the rise of dictatorships, you may not know what’s going on in Episodes 1-3. It has taken multiple viewings to make sense of it. Finally, this time it clicked, and I figured out how the Republic became the Empire. I’ve been trying to figure that out for years but nobody could explain it to me properly. After that, I had a whole new view of the movies. The apparent attempt of Donald Trump to stack the Judicial and Legislative branches in his favor, surrounding himself with Yes-Men, and to try to stay in power after losing the election through lies and fake news made the story even more thought-provoking. (It could happen!)

I continued on through Solo and Rogue One which set up the transition to the original 1977 Episode 4. They did a pretty good job setting up the continuity and I watched the old Episodes 4-6 with new interest. It wasn’t just about lasers, ships, and battles. It was not just Space Cowboys.

There are approximately 27 hours of movies to watch it all. You can include the animated series(es) if you have a month of spare time but as far as I can tell, they don’t add much to the story.

In the end, I’ve decided that I am more of an Empire man rather than on the side of the Rebel Scum. As an old, crotchety, lonely, angry man, I would much rather see the human race under the control of a Fascist Dictator. People need to be told what to do and what not to do or they get into trouble. I would have supported the Emperor and the Sith to rule the galaxy with an iron hand. Law and order are good things. Free thinking is a waste of time and only causes trouble. I would like to watch other people suffer as much as I have. Maybe Trump was on to something.

If you watch Star Wars for the action, you might want to pay closer attention because there is a much deeper story in there that you may be missing. Going to that level is not for the weak-minded. Pay attention to the parallels with the world we are currently living in. This Epic Saga that started 44 years ago might have been surprisingly predictive. Either that or maybe Fascism is inevitable. What if the Nazis had won? What if Trump had succeeded? I wish I could visit alternate realities.

I Discovered the Multiverse!

Whoa! Cool! I thin I just discovered the multiverse.

I was sitting out under a tree doing a little naked meditation when I came up with the observation of parallel universes. Yeah, you’re not supposed to be thinking when you meditate but I promise I wasn’t thinking hard. It happened more when I was done anyway.

I noticed that I can jump from one universe to the next either by thought or deed. It’s not what you are thinking nor is it what I had expected. It does prove that I am the Creator after all though. There are infinite universes out there, all are similar to ours but different in some way. They are parallel after all.

There’s the universe where you regular people live your normal, pointless existence. That’s apparently the prime universe C-01. Most people are stuck there.

There’s the universe where I am the only person in existence. (C-142)
There’s the universe where everybody is far away. (C-18)
There’s the universe where people are nice to each other and live in harmony. (C-324)
There’s the universe where I am all uptight and lonely. Very similar to C-01. (C-02)
There’s the universe where I am relaxed and don’t give a shit. (C-83)
There’s the universe where Donald Trump became a Nazi overlord. (C-483)
There’s the universe where Aliens subjugated the earth. (C-12)

These are just a few examples. I don’t have to visit them all. I prefer the one where I am the only person in existence. I think I’m going to spend most of my time there. It is a very calm place.

Those alternative dimensions are difficult to stay in though. C-01 constantly bumps into them like a cue ball on a pool table. Sometimes it knocks them down into a hole. But that’s OK. You just have to reset every once in a while and it’s all good.

Let go of bad memories

Every once in a while, a memory from the past rears it’s ugly head. We’ve all said and done stupid things in the past. I have a number of them that come back to haunt me every once in a while. There’s no doubt that remembering them hurts and is time, energy, and thought wasted.

Most bad memories involve another person. I often have to remind myself that the other, long-gone, person does not even remember the incident. In most cases, it wasn’t even memorable to him or her and was easily forgotten. We only remember them for ourselves because it bothered us that we did or said it.

One could go and apologize if it was particularly significant. Otherwise, remember that they’ve already forgotten and it is a non-issue. Don’t dwell on it. It’s over and out. A memory is nothing more than a dust mote floating in the infinite wind of time. Let it go and don’t bother to look for it again.

Update on Mom 12/1/2020

My 90 year old mom has been staying with my brother and his wife for the last two or three weeks. Her health has been improving since they are both nurses and know what to do. Today my brother called me feeling a bit frustrated. It seems the time together is wearing on them all and is to be expected.

On top of that, she has been dealing with a bedsore on her tailbone area that seems to be getting worse considering she doesn’t move hardly at all during the day except to go to the bathroom. She sits in a recliner day and night.

I’m going to visit tomorrow and stay a night or two to see if I can help out and give them a break. I’m sure they already have but I’ll try to explain to her about the bedsore and how serious they can become. She’ll need to try to lay on her side for a lot of her time to allow it to heal. She really likes her chair and nothing else is really comfortable for her. I hope she will be open to working on it. She usually understands but being uncomfortable always sucks.

Her kidneys have been functioning well enough that her hospice may continue on for months where we expected only a few weeks. That is bad for everyone. She was ready for the end and now is frustrated because it is dragging out for way too long. We are in for some unpleasant time coming up unless the end comes quickly.

There needs to be an option for self-euthanasia for people who are ready go do and are doing nothing but suffering. We do it for animals to end their suffering so why do we not have this option for humans who suffer far more than animals do. I’m sure mom would opt for that and I know I would if I was in her place. There’s a time to live and a time to die. Let’s not prolong the inevitable for those who are suffering.

Contemplating Death

I’ve been thinking about death a bit lately. With the unexpected death of my neighbor the other day and the impending death of my mom, cat, and closest acquaintance, it has been weighing heavily on my mind recently. We are all a few steps closer to death during this awful pandemic.

I do not fear death nor do I fear the death of others. It is, after all, inevitable for everyone. If anything, I fear my continuing existence when they are all gone. Fortunately, I am already accustomed to being alone so I am hoping that perhaps I will feel more relief both for them to end their suffering and for me to not have to be concerned about it anymore. I guess that’s pretty selfish but it’s all I’ve got. In a way, I will be free to start a new life.

My own death has actually been postponed. I came very close to dying of heart disease a few years ago. My father died at the exact same age so I should have been properly prepared. Still, it was a surprise. I consider myself to be “Living on Borrowed Time”. I’ve taken my health pretty seriously since and have been eating properly and exercising. My cholesterol levels are in an excellent range and a recent stress test seems to have gone very well. I haven’t heard the official results yet but I ran on the treadmill for a few minutes past the goal time and heart rate so I think that gives me a pretty good bill of cardiac health. I will endeavor to do even better with both my diet and exercise.

Truth be told, I’m 52 and haven’t even lived yet. I’ve been a slave to school and work for 50 years. I’ve never been kissed and I’ve never had sex. My recent early-retirement has freed me from oppression then the pandemic immediately oppressed me again. That’s OK because I’m not sure I want kissing and sex anyway. Seems to me more like a false construct.

I have reached most of my goals in life already. My next goal is to live long enough to gain access to my retirement portfolio when I turn 60. Money. It’s kind of a sad goal if you think about it but it’s all I’ve got. Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy freedom. My savings have already bought me freedom from work. My retirement portfolio will buy me freedom of movement and my version of extravagance.

My version of extravagance is not likely to be what you are picturing. It is far more basic but still enjoyable. Perhaps a new car and after doing some traveling I will consider moving out of Texas. It would be a shame to die in the same state you lived all your life in. It would be even more of a shame to die having lived only 50 miles from where you were born. I don’t know. For some that would be a good thing. For those of us without family, it’s a shame.

What about love? Would it be a shame to die without ever experiencing love? Yes but I don’t think that is in my cards. I may regret it on my death bed but I won’t cry over it. Much.

One of my soft goals is to read the books and watch the movies. I’m already working on that. Nobody can read and watch them all. I hope I can at least experience the good ones.

In the end, does it really matter if you achieve your goals? It will matter greatly in the minutes preceding your demise. One second later, it will not.

I guess it’s a bit nihilistic to think that I should not bother to stretch for those goals since it will mean nothing after you die. What about achieving lofty goals like inventing something that will change the world or becoming President? Other people will remember you when you’re gone. But it is still meaningless because you won’t even know and they may even cease to exist as the universe disappears with you.

If you think about it, what is the meaning of life? It’s all about the temporary experience. You come from nothing and in the end you return to nothing. You are an imperceptible blip on the timeline of eternity. In 1000 years, nobody will know who Donald Trump was. Nobody will know who Albert Einstein was either. The sphere of cinder we currently know as Earth will not remember.

Consider it all pointless? Well, yeah. Still… Your little blip is something to YOU. Try to spend your time as best as you can. Be excellent to yourself. Be excellent to each other. Have your version of a good time. Don’t stress too much. Three wise men once said, “It’s your thing. Do what you want to do.”

That’s all I have to say about that.

The idea of you is better than you

I’ve spent the last few days mired in frustration about being alone again. It’s painful and annoying but what am I really trying to tell myself?

What is it that I want? It’s extremely possible that what I am looking for does not exist merely because it is unrealistic. I spend much time imagining that special Someone and though it seems simple and basic to me, in reality, there’s nobody like that. People just aren’t like that. I’m not sure why because I’M like that. It only makes sense that there must be others.

It is likely that I am holding myself back because I don’t want to deal with the disappointment of finding out that that person is not what I need him/her to be. I have plenty of meaningless acquaintances already. I don’t need more people sucking out my soul and not replacing it. I don’t have that much left anymore and it takes a long time for it to grow back when you have nobody to fertilize it.

I really hate that I cannot just let this go. Human Nature is quite the bitch! I wish she would just leave me alone and let me be happy and satisfied.

Finding Your Other in a Society of Fear

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but the lonely person of today has a great mountain to climb. How do we find someone else in a world where everyone is afraid of everyone else. How can you go on a date with a stranger because he/she might have alternate motives. Will he rape me? Will he use me? Will she break my heart? Will she drug me and steal my kidneys? Will she be some kind of crazy person who will grab on and never let go?

What about the Corona virus? Will this person be contaminated? Will I die? Will my parents die?

On top of that, we seem to be a society of vanity where we all think we’re innately ugly and can’t be seen until we are perfect. We need to lose 20 pounds which will never happen.

Dating during the 2000s seems to be more difficult than ever. How is a person supposed to find their Other? Online dating is difficult because most of the women out there are really insane men. The ones who are actually women never return to the site or are overwhelmed with desperate requests that they can’t respond anymore.

Friends don’t want to help you because they like you better when you are lonely. That way you will always be there for them when they need you.

Since dating in person is virtually prohibited, going online is the only option. How do you set yourself above the million other people vying for your object of affection? How do you get that person to see the real you instead of their suspicious imagination? You only get one chance to make that impression online.

You could, perhaps, write a blog online for 13 years so that the world can see who you are. Women will be all over you as they bask in your awesomeness. NOT!

Perhaps the best solution is to turn off your inhibitions and throw yourself out upon the masses and see who bites. Yeah. Not so much for introverts. Besides. I wouldn’t want to date an extrovert. Hmm. Is there IntrovertDating.com? … Nope.

I don’t know. If I knew the answer then I wouldn’t have spent the last 40 years of my life in crushing loneliness. It seems the best solution for me is complete submission to the inevitable. Let it go. Embrace your solitude. Get in touch with your true aloneness. Watch TV, Read, Write, Eat, Masturbate, Sleep. Does it really get any better than that? I can’t imagine. I think I’m good.

Solitary Naturism – Acceptance

There are many stages a Solitary Naturist tends to pass through on his journey to happiness. I know because I’ve experienced each one.

1. Curiosity – Your first, lonely, step into the world of naturism.
2. Frustration – When you find that your friends are not interested and finding another like-minded person is impossible.
3. Anger/Rage – After fruitless decades of wishing, searching, and dreaming of finding a naturist friend.
4. Acceptance – When you finally give up and accept that you are the only person on the planet. You stop searching and wishing.
5. Enlightenment – When you let go of your suffering and are satisfied to just be naked all by yourself. Your world is all that matters.

I’m currently in the Acceptance stage. The beginning of it at least. Of course, during my journey I’ve met other nudists but none of them in my age group and none that I could call a “friend.” Nobody with whom I could share my deepest thoughts and desires.

I don’t expect I’ll ever reach the Full Enlightenment stage. I’ve seen glimpses of it but I am subject to human nature and all the desires contained therein. I’m not sure I’d even WANT to be satisfied with a life of complete solitude. That might be truly sad.

I think my plan is to work on the Acceptance stage and see where it goes from there. I’m tired of Anger and Rage so I think it’s time to move on. Wish me luck.